A Foster Mom’s New Year’s Resolutions

My poor children. I rarely call them by the right name on the first or second try. It’s not uncommon to hear, “Jacob, Sarah, Logan . . . uh, whatever your name is, come here!”

To make it easier, I’m going to stop using the kids’ names altogether and call them all by pet names like honey, sport, sweetie, small human, tiger, lovey . . . basically whatever pops into my head.

But how will I differentiate between them? I’ve decided I that I won’t. When I need one, I’ll call for the whole bunch. They’ll get used to it soon enough.

We have little boys. I often get wet. It’s gross. I’ll spare you any more details.

There’s this thing called Facebook. Maybe you’ve heard of it? I have “friends” on the Facebook that I don’t see in real life, I don’t talk to in real life, and I don’t have any sort of relationship with in real life.

Yet, I spend time every day looking at these people’s updates and photos like it’s my job. I’ve decided that I need to let go of my “imaginary friends” and focus on the real, live people that actually exist in my world.

Okay, calm down. I’ll make sure the dog doesn’t miss a single meal (but my kids don’t have to know that). In our house, it’s the children’s job to make sure the dog always has a full bowl of food and fresh water. But when I walk by and see an empty bowl, instead of telling a child to fill it, it’s easier to do it myself. Well, not in 2016, my friends!

My diabolical plan is to make it clear to the kids that I will no longer be filling the dog’s bowls. Ever. And if the dog loses even a tenth of a pound because she has not been fed, we will find a wonderful new owner for our sweet puppy. Then, every time I see an empty bowl, I will approach the nearest child and say, “I’m not feeding the dog.” The end. No pleading, no bargaining, no nagging. Parenting is so easy.

I apologize for another potty resolution, but apparently I have bathroom issues. I am a mom and therefore, I never pee alone—everyone knows that.

But what most people do not know is that I rarely get to pee at all!

Every time I try to get to the bathroom, someone is in there, or someone needs something, or I get distracted by an overflowing trashcan, or I see an empty toilet paper roll, change it, and leave. Only later do I remember that I had to pee, and the whole thing starts all over again.

Don’t worry; I have a solution. When I have to go, I’m going to get a kid and take him or her with me. I figure if I already have a child by the hand, I might make it to the bathroom without distraction. Sure, I may have to go while discussing Bubble Guppies or some nonsense, but that’s a sacrifice I am willing to make for my health.

I know. This sounds like an actual resolution, but it’s not. You see, society expects responsible adults to remember, or be aware of, the current day, month, and year. I am actually lowering that expectation by only asking myself to remember the year (and write it correctly on the fifty pounds of paperwork I will fill out in 2016). If I also happen to know the day and month, then I will reward myself handsomely.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Poop watch is never fun and my life would be easier without it. I don’t have a strategy for this other than prayer and finger crossing. Please comment if you have any ideas.

I’m going to get crazy and kiss my husband on the mouth in my own house! I’m going to dance whenever I want and sing in the car. I’m going to go down the slide and jump on the trampoline. I’m going to play games and sports, even though I always lose and have no athletic ability whatsoever.

I’m going to be in the picture, instead of always taking it. I’m going to get dirty at the beach and let my kids bury me in the sand. I’m going to be silly and tell stupid jokes and ignore the eye rolls. And, most of all, I’m going to lead by example and show our children that cool is overrated and that “weird” is just another word for “awesome!”