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Adopted by my Step-Parent

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My story is feeling more and more relevant since I started researching adoption-reversal laws. My sister and I were adopted by my step-father about 30 years ago. I am now 36, my sister is 33. Our step-father felt that since he was paying for our bills and “raising” us, he should have full parental rights. My birth-father has always been a part of our lives. He had trouble keeping jobs and paying child-support, which was hard for my mother, but he did love us and showed support in that way. My step-father was very wealthy and had a very powerful attorney who threatened to send my father to jail for non-payment but gave him the choice to revoke his rights as our father in lieu of payment. Frustrated and monetarily unable to fight for his own rights, my father accepted the deal and lost all his parental rights. Our birth certificates now state the name of our step-father as our birth father.

After the adoption, my REAL father never lost contact with us. He would come to visit us and we would visit him at least twice a year, every year and has called at least once a week every week for our entire life. My step-father however, divorced from my mother about ten years ago. This is the man who had been our “father” for 20 years. Since about a year after they divorced, my sister and I have had absolutely NO contact with him. For the entire year after he divorced my mother (which was his choice), he would call my sister and I, after drinking who knows how much alcohol, and complain about how hard it was to raise us, until my sister and I told him we couldn’t talk to him when he was intoxicated. It has been almost ten years now; we don’t know where he lives, or if he is even alive.

My real father is Italian: he lives in Italy now, but still comes to visit once a year, or my grandparents (there), pay for us to come visit them. He is going to inherit a substantial amount of money, which without proper documents, i.e. valid birth certificates; we stand to lose any claim on that which he will leave to us, because of this adoption. Now we are going to have to hire an attorney to reverse this mess which was not made by us, and will have to spend a big chunk of what we will get on these fees incurred by my step-father’s selfish need of validation.

My sister and I loved our step-father. We didn’t care about legalities. We were happy for our mother and accepted this man as part of our family without needing a paper to state that he was a part of our family. If there is someone out there reading up on these matters, looking for perspective, DON’T DO IT. If there is still contact with the other parent, there is no need for this formality. If you care about these children, you should be happy that you are in a family with them regardless of whether or not you have a document that states what your role is.

As I read testimonials on-line about step-parents who did this and who are no longer married to the person whose children they adopted and are looking for a way out, I am dumbfounded as to why they would have done it in the first place. It is unnecessary. Your step-children will accept you as a parent or they won’t. The paper is for the adults who need to feel like they have control. The children, regardless of what the might say to you, don’t want it. I remember the day it happened and it was horrible. Please think twice before you go forward with your decision. Marriages don’t last forever, but adoptions do.

– Sara

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