It has been 27 days since you were born and 17 since I last held you in my arms. Not an hour passes when I don’t think of you and wonder how you are and what you’re doing. Whatever it may be, I know that you’re in excellent hands and being utterly worshipped. One thing I have no doubts about is the people I picked to be your parents. They are amazing people and obviously are very happy together. You’ll grow up surrounded by love and laughter and jokes. You will have all kinds of advantages and opportunities that we could never give to you. I am completely secure that you couldn’t be cared for any better or more loved by anyone else.
I know I did the absolute best thing I could have done for all of us involved, no matter how much it kills me inside. You’re very well taken care of, and your parents finally have the child they’ve dreamed of. I know in my heart this is what is right for us.
That doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I miss you in the most physical of ways. For nine months I carried you under my heart. There are times my arms just ache to hold you, and I wake up every few hours at night, just like I would if you were mine and I got to feed you. I miss you with every breath that I take. I hope that your life is so bright and full that you never feel the pain of losing a part of yourself . . . especially if it’s one of the best things you’ve ever done.
There is so much I want to say to you, and I’m so scared that I’ll never get the chance to. I live in fear that one day you’re going to hate me or not understand my motives and think I didn’t want you or love you. As your mother, I had to put your needs and wants fully ahead of my own and only think about you.
To keep you just because I love you and you’re the most beautiful baby girl in the world would be entirely selfish. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to your older sister, either. I have to think of both of you girls and what is best for your futures, even if it means we have to be apart for now. I’m choosing a completely different life for you than I had growing up.
I can’t stop staring at your picture! You are so incredibly sweet and innocent and beautiful, and I can’t believe something so perfect came out of my body. I’m completely amazed by you, and it isn’t just me. Everyone who sees you falls in complete and total love and adoration. You are a complicated miracle who brought people together from separate lives and different ends of the country, and you made them a family. Every time I think of you, I can’t help but smile.
All my love,