I came to California from Illinois, not knowing what to expect. I spent the first three weeks in tears, crying my heart out as I learned healthy boundaries for the first time in years.

I chose to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (BSSM) in April of this year. In attending, I realized how much I loved my family. I realized that no matter how betrayed I felt by specific people, in order to move forward I had to heal and allow myself to grieve parts of my life long forgotten.

Coming here was no easy task. Part of the journey to get here required uncovering some ugly truths and dealing with a past I would rather forget. The identity of being a birth mother was something that worked powerfully against me. It defined me and put me in a box of suffering and pain I could not overcome on my own.

In the last two months I have been moved by God in many areas of my life, one of them being my identity as a mother/birth mother. What changed me the most was the acceptance and friends I found. I find them to be great sources of strength; they don’t even know how much they mean to me.

In this journey of self discovery I am becoming more alive with each free breath I take, and every prayer I pray. I thank God for bringing me here and for loving me so much. Life is getting better and better. It’s not perfect by any means, but I feel peace and hope that transcends my past and gives me hope for my future.

Dealing with loss and lies, and believing truth about myself, is a daily process that requires all of my being. I must become really vulnerable with the right people. Finding my identity apart from pain is part of the healing process and it is one serious process…

The great thing about this process so far is that for the first time in my life I am allowed to heal and become whole. I am finding out who I am, after losing more then I care to recount.

Life is messy, and real healing and coming to terms with adoption related grief and sadness is like any other process. Healing is all about the right people, the right place, and being willing to get ugly with a few good friends who see the gold in you.

That is a very good place to be.