September 17th 2005

I was gonna write last night, but I wanted to try to get to sleep so I could get up early this morning. Then it took me a long time to go to sleep, so I should of just stayed up and journaled. Anyway, I'm kinda sad and anxious about Tara cause she went to her former Fosterparents house for the weekend. I'm assuming she's with the Mexican family that pressured her into becoming adopted, but obviously she's still close to them to stay with them all weekend. I'm scared to death they will all decide they want to give it another try. I was so upset last night and feeling so jealous of them. We waited to call Tara until last night because I've been at work and who knows if she ever got the card we sent. I hate being so jealous, but I have felt so close to her and the thought of her being with them is really hard to deal with. I want her to be with us, it's all just felt so right, I thought for sure it was all meant to be, but I can't shake the thought that she might very well go back to them. I'm thrilled that she actually bonded to someone, but want that someone to be us. I can just feel the wall building up around me, to protect me from being hurt. I want to give her everything I have, but now we can't even talk to her because she's with them. I guess we'll try again on Monday, we'll see what she says about them and her visit. I'm just so horribly sad and miss her so much already, I didn't expect at all to feel this way.