Rebuilding the foundations

I need to write at least a little. I woke up feeling a jumble of emotion and though I have slept many hours already, I will probably go back to sleep for a little while. I want to cry but I'm not completely sure what the tears are about. My dreams indicate that I am feeling a new level of security and safety. And I think that now there is a foundation of security, new doors are being unlocked and their hidden contents are beginning to make their way into consciousness. I suspect this is why my body feels so tired and sick. I still am not Johnnie on the spot when it comes to feeling. I think what is most impactful right now is that I have a couple of people that love me like a mom would love. And this is so pickin' new for me. And the wounds from not having that run so very deep. I have not experienced being protected and cared about. I've not experienced anyone caring whether I do something stupid that could hurt my life. Yes, I have GREAT friends and they care very much for me, but a mom takes it very personally when you mess up. I've never experienced keeping someone up at night with worry (and don't WANT to experience that one again!). For some reason, there is much embarrassment and shame that I am feeling all of these things. This is an entry I am tempted to put on private because the feelings are so tender and raw. I feel such deep SHAME that at my age I so much need the care and love that is being offered. I might put it on a partial private. I NEED to say these things and I may need the safety of not having the "whole world" see. I also feel a sense of shame that all of my deep little girl feelings crowd out my ability to fully process the trip I just had. There are many delights wrapped up in that one. Many joys that I want to take out and enjoy. I suspect that I won't fully be able to do that until I allow myself to have some of these little girl needs met. My body feels so tired and ill. Again, its the inability to emotionally feel, so things go to the body. Part of me feels like I am in an infancy stage right now. If I listen to what my dreams are telling me, I am feeling claimed and like I belong to someone for the first time. It feels like some very early foundations are being reestablished. And life may be a bit hard because of these infancy needs - lots of sleep, food and bonding. Sleep seems necessary to the physical as well as the emotional. I am learning to REST in belonging and being safe - something I haven't had. The rest of my life may be on hold for awhile as these new foundations have a chance to set like freshly poured cement.