Adjustments

I am not feeling well physically, but I'm doing very well emotionally. I would much rather endure physical pain than emotional pain. Work went well yesterday. I didn't drink yesterday. I felt good about the day. I consider trying to deal with my drinking problem apart from AA. I would like to be able to have a drink with a friend on occasion. My drinking at home became excessive and too frequent. I am now enjoying a non-alcoholic beer as my come home from work drink. Before it would be a regular beer and then into wine - in the last month sometimes a whole bottle of wine! Being in Kentucky helped break the pattern that was going and a friend suggested the non-alcohol beer. AA is complete abstinence - can never drink again EVER. I am not ready for that drastic of a step. The next few weeks will help me decide if I need to be that drastic. I will keep AA open as an option. I might need that. I hope not. I am also going through some relationship adjustments - its that new relationship dynamic where you have to be really honest and say what you need, hope the other person understands. In this case my friend has shared her needs and I DO understand. The front end of relationships are always energy intensive - the excitement of getting to know someone, learning how to integrate them into your life, finding out the balance of time and contact that works for both. I am tempted to feel guilty for not being more considerate and thinking through what my light joking might communicate or the frequency of my phone contact, but I choose not to go down the guilt path - the relationship is new, people don't know what's in the others head, there has now been healthy communication and I can go with that. A good, healthy, wonderful friendship is in the making. I am feeling heavy for one of my friends . . . crapola in the home to deal with. I will pray wisdom and comfort for her. It's a very tough situation. I wish there was a way I could shoulder some of that with her - but sometimes loving someone means giving them the dignity of carrying their own burdens. But I am here to pray and to care. It feels as if there is some hope with my drinking issue. At some point, I will need to re-embrace the idea of being responsible in my home. Part of it has been the intensity of searching, part of it has been depression, part of it has been drinking too much. I also turn my heart to God to ask how to rebuild this relationship of ours. I have avoided hanging out with God as I once did. I used to love the times we had together. What drew me away from that? Was it just that hanging out with God goes counter to how we are wired in this world? Or is there something deeper? Is there a lie I'm believing? Is it just a matter of discipline? Need to be off to get ready for work . . . I hope to have another productive day . . .