Wedding Reception

I will go to DT's wedding reception today. I met him one day after his 3rd birthday in 1985. It was in becoming part of his family that I began my healing journey. D's Mom K and I became close serving in ministry together. That family adopted me and I spent a lot of time with them. Being in the midst of a "normal-dysfunctional" family began the process of peeling away the layers of denial at how abnormal my own was. It was bittersweet to see G & K parent their kids. I knew that I had experienced things no child ever should growing up, but I didn't realize there was another wound - not receiving the things I should have. A key moment in my process was spending Easter, 1986 with this family. We were on our way to G's parents home (he has 11 brothers and sisters!). Little did I know that there would be a stop at the graveyard. This was a family tradition every Easter as well as other times of the year. G & K had lost a little girl to SIDS at aged 4 months a 4 years before. As I watched the family clean the gravestone and carefully place each flower, something way down deep began to loosen. The intensity of it frightened me and I needed to get away from that place. I quickly walked away . . . K came after me but at that time, I was not able to let anyone into my life while so vulnerable. I could only push her away. I don't think I had ever allowed myself to cry unless drunk. As a teenager, I would get drunk for the purpose of giving myself an excuse to cry . . . it wasn't allowed otherwise. I've come a long way since April 1986. I can cry now (sober). I've still not let anyone too close when I'm "out of control", but the thought of that is not so scary now. The turmoil and bitterness I had toward Mom has calmed into a workable relationship. I am not afraid of the deep needs of my heart and even have a few people I feel safe enough to share that with. I am still in a transitional period, but I feel the momentum of progress and know that in time, I will be reengaging the world and ready to dream dreams again. I've watched DT grow up from a little boy to a married man. I used to take him an afternoon a week so K could have a little personal time. I had some good times with D, taking him to the zoo and to the beach. He was such a sweet little boy. Everyone loved a D hug! I look forward to hugging the man D tonight and meeting his wife. In many ways, I've grown up right alongside D.