Two steps forward one step back

I continue to be amazed that gaping wounds in me that have been open MY WHOLE LIFE are beginning to heal. Needs that I thought could NEVER be met are being met beyond my expectations. While I am still in the middle of my healing process and not quite ready to not need my "Moms" anymore, I am starting to look ahead to the future. To whom much is given, much is required . . . I have a sound mind, decent health and now a healed and full heart of love. It's time to consider how I will invest that in others. This is a prayable and a ponderable. I do feel drawn to people that don't know that REAL connection is possible. I want to be part of seeing others rooted and grounded in love. I also have a heart for people that have a hunger for God but are tripped up in seeing who He REALLY is by the church. I don't know how I will live these things out, but I don't need to know just yet. God will direct my steps. He always does. My step backwards: For being a relatively intelligent woman, I can do some pretty stupid things. Last night was an example of my stupids. I've been amazed at how different life is with little or no alcohol. So last night I did something that rivals someone who quit smoking taking a drag off of a cigarette to see if anything is changed. I bought a bottle of red wine and drank a good portion of it. It didn't taste as good as I remember and I had some conversations last night I can't completely remember and I wrote some emails that I had little recollection of. THAT WAS STUPID BEHAVIOR!!! Proverb 26:11 fits aptly here: As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. Now the question is, will this "fool" learn the lesson and NOT do that again!?? It's a GOOD THING to remember conversations and emails! And my body will be healthier without that stuff. I've been making progress overall though. Tonight I get together with the COWS. It will be good to see them. I have another get together with women's church leadership on Thursday. That too will be good. I need to find out who I am in community again . . . I've changed. These are GOOD people. But I don't feel I can share my spiritual struggles with them. I'm pretty much on my own with God in working through those. It's lonely business. I don't have models of people who have struggled in these ways. I may consider giving Sheryl a call. She is always fascinated by people's journeys. She might have some input. I think I would like to have one or two people that understand spiritual things know where I am. I still love God - just the way I live that out is going through some changes. I don't think I can ever go back to where I was. I don't want to hole up with other people who believe exactly as I do and never venture out beyond that . . . and I need to find ways to give this love away that is in my heart. But I want to do it in the way Jesus would. And His ways are very surprising and unpredictable . . . the adventure continues.