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First thanks Tudu :-) and all for enduring my husbandless Mother's Day rant......got my montly visitor (I call it Hermon as I envision it as a grouchy old man who likes to ruin fun occasions) the next day and figured that may have been contributing to my boo hoos.....but Tudu your wise words are ALWAYS a comfort.....and Happy Mother's day to the busiest mom "I don't really know" tee hee :-) Ya'll busy I know....but the woman has 7 (soon to 8) kids....now there's a mother :-)
Ok....brace yourselves...but not too much cause nothing changed. But while I was driving my mom home from the doctor today I got "a call" from the agency. It was weird because I have been having weird feelings and almost expecting a "call" But this one threw me for a loop FOR SURE. Ready....here's how the call went.
So and So: It's so and so from the so and so agnecy.
Lorie: Hey So and So so good to hear from you...(smiles).
So and So: I was just calling to let you know that we have a two day old baby girl for you....are you ready?
Lorie: (jaw drops to floor....shatters!)
Ok....not to leave ya'll in too much suspense it was true I got a call for a baby. BUT I declined. :-( So here's the story. The girls in the office were working late and and AA newborn came in as a foster -to -adopt with plan to RU with bmom. They said that it was a foster/adopt though and a good chance of adoption. Which is AMAZING! However, I hope you all with a bajillion kids...(TUDU that's you) are not dissappointed but I am not ready yet. I have a crazy work schedule, my house is almost ready for Aria to move into her new room, none of the baby clothes are washed and I am not mentally or physically ready for India just yet. I actually said "no" because I really believe it is irresponsible at this point to bring another child home.
That is not to say she is not coming (and soon, by the sounds of it). So this brought me to the realization that I am indeed having another child and sooner than I may have planned. The girls in the office said they put my name back on the list and want me to have another baby, so when they get a late night case, like this one, they want to call me :-) I appreciate that every person in the agency wants me to have another child NOW....in fact people who I don't even know know me....got on the phone to tell me "don't worry....we'll get you the next one" HEY WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT YET!
I remember how precious, anticipated and special that call was for Aria....I remember the call I missed when I was camping in the desert and how I mourned for that little one I will never know....and then today like BAM....I find out I'm pregnant and giving birth in the same day. And I just was not ready.....but as The Blue Fairy often does.....she prepares you for the future and the plans that have been laid out for your life. And well folks I guess that means that Aria will be a big sister someday.
A few reasons I declined were, at the moment my work schedule is very hectic and I still need to secure a really big job in order to assure our financial future.....which I know is coming. If I had to add major sleep deprivation to my already sleep deprived (because of work) state I will be dead. Second it is not fair to India for me not to be in the heart and mind for her to come home. It is not fair to Aria, not to have me prepare her for this great big change in our lives.
For Aria I prayed, prepared and celebrated her arrival. I want to do the same for India and lastly my social worker wants to be the one to place us with Aria's baby sister. And as I am a big story teller....no really? I want India to have a story as beautiful as Aria's. Rather than tell her I was hit by a speeding train on the way home from taking my mom to the doctor.
I want to tell her that our social worker (who is like one of the family) lovingly found her and brought her home :-)
So on to India and who she is.....When I prayed for Aria she told me that she would have "big eyes and big hair, that she was drug exposed biracial and was a loving, kind healer, who wanted to sing, but had a strong mind and personality and was adored by all. She told me I would have to love her and guide her as her strong mind might get her into trouble" NO KIDDING.....my 15 month old had a throwdown (my term for a lay on the floor and scream bloody murder tantrum) in the Disney store today. All because I put her back in the stroller when she wanted to walk. And folks I was really in the spot light, I finally took my kicking and screaming kid out in the middle of mall and got her to calm down. When we came back in she did get a small toy, because she was really well behaved the rest of the time. However....I saw it in her eyes, it wasn't that she wanted to be mean or tantrumy....she just wanted the world to go exactly her way....and I ruined that for her, hopefully I lovingly taught her a lesson about life....too....cause dang....that's my job (I wish I could do the fun stuff and skip the dicipline, but sadly that's how monsters are created)
So India.....when I meditate she tells me that she is a very light spirit, beautiful and bright and although she too is strong her opinions are not as strong and she is just here on this earth to enjoy it. She loves to laugh and to live, she is the child you see who smiles when the rest are frowning, she told me she was coming to play with Aria and keep her company. That the girls needed to be together and have always been together because Aria takes her hand through things that scare her as they are unknown to her, guiding her way and India makes Aria laugh when Ari wants to shout out or cry, cause the world is full of pain, India will show her it's joy and together the girls will hold each other up in the world and they are meant to be here together.
At least this is what my meditations have told me. So......as with Aria, I am seeing India's name everywhere.....on shirt tags "made in India" on food items "India sweets and spices" one of my projects is working with a man from India, about language problems between Americans and Indians in the work place, my sister is going to India next month. I pass Indiana street almost everyday.....just like Aria, when she was about to come, I saw her name everywhere. So....I do believe in signs (like any good story teller does) and she has really been on my mind. I really want to wait til Aria is 2 to have another baby....but I don't know....that may not be India's plan we will see.
My mom was with me in the car when I got the call. And she has been really terrific, back to old mom again. I LOVE MY OLD MOM....not the psycho mom, but the beautiful healthy one. I give kuddos to my sis for getting her back in shape. I guess they were right, my style of life is just not condusive to mental illness and I didn't do my mom any favors by letting her run amok. Granted I was crazy busy, but I should have parented her more.....but I couldn't and my sister was better at it....so there we are....mom is better (today at least :-)
So we were in the car and mom was like.....YOU SAID NO?????!!!!!!! "Why your sister and you are just 18 months apart. Why did you say NO!!!!?" .....Me: "Mom I am not ready....it would not be healthy.....India needs me to be ready for her....this wonderful 2 day old newborn is someone else's dream come true....not mine"
She finally agreed, but begged me to consider getting ready for her....so we are doing that. :-) and here is how....
My mom named Aria's middle name....and she asked me what I wanted to name India's middle name. I told her some lame ideas I had....but didn't like any of them. Ok....here's a side note......my kids will ALL have 4 names....their name, middle name, birthname and last name. So everyone is gonna get a long @ss hippie name....gotta be fair now. So it's Name (mommie, they or God picked) middle name (grandma picked) birthname (bmom picked) and last name.
So.....my mom picked India's middle name and I LOVE IT!!!!! Shocker. I was not thrilled at first with the name Elizabeth for Aria, but now I love it.....so for India....I adore her middle name....MOM YOU ROCK!!!!! What is her middle name you ask?
Rayne :-) (meaning abundant blessings from above and Queen)
India Rayne :-) or Rayna depending on the birthname that follows.
Aria Elizabeth also means Queen (Elizabeth means devoted to God and is also the name of many Queens)
So there she is....also I got a random can of formula in the mail....weirdness. Guess If I believed in signs (I so believe in signs) she's coming.
So anyone want to chime in about this :-) Also if she is coming....that fat contract for my work better be too....when that comes....I can pretty much guess that India will be here too.
But today was total weirdness either way. I know fost/adopt parents get calls for kids all of the time....I just wasn't ready for this one.
But to my little baby angel....soon little one....soon. Aria and I can't wait (or I guess we can YIKES) to spend our lives with you :-)
pg
ok, so you are justifying your actions and there is no need to. It is ok that you turned down a referral. You will know when the time is right for you. Had you accepted this baby there was no guarentee that it would have worked the way you have planned it to. As far as your sister goes..... tell her...