satisfying...

I've sent my son an email requesting could he video a shark programme, the channel of which I don't have access to, to be able to do so. Its the most 'normal' thing that I've been able to ask of him in a way, and I'm starting to feel very much more relaxed and satisfied. The 'hole in the heart' is mending and feels very good, I don't recall feeling this satisfied with life and it feels as if we've moved on now from the treading on egg shells, half afraid to do or say anything. We are now finding our levelling out and even though things have been so good for us both, I still feel that I can leave it a few days or maybe even a week and not worry to the same extent as before. Something has changed, and thank goodness for that, I was at breaking point. Its certainly good to be in control of the situation instead of the situation being in control of me. There had been so much understanding intellectually with no emotional satisfaction, as I heard one birth mother poignantly say "I understand intellectually, but in my heart I can't'. I got what she was saying. I'm happy to feel that now, that my heart can accept things now, because emotionally I've arrived to where I always wanted to be. I've applied what I felt was the right thing to do and say, and now I'm experiencing the happiness of being emotionally fulfilled. It gives me more confidence and if there is anything my son needs, its to know that I am 'together' and enjoying life, which I am. Can't say that I enjoy this M.E. much at times, but there is still plenty of positive stuff going on, if I would only take the time and trouble to recount it at the end of the day and put it in my diary, which for the main part I do. Keeping a diary and writing down emotions, as well as the good things of each day (there are always some) helps to keep my mind positive. Brockbaby, you don't know what you started back on the Primal Wound Book review (or was it Bookies corner?). Its a great idea and it works for me. So much satisfaction now after having so much regret over well over half my lifetime. So much promising to happen. I don't get pangs now like I used to. I needed a break and it finally came and I get to feeling this is how things are going to be. The triad is happy with itself and is moving through the next stage to get better things. We are all supporting each other. That is great. I can't wait to meet his parents and to see these great people that have had so much to deal with and yet they bore it and held out for better things with our son. I really hope that if the reunion carries on as it is doing, that we will all have our measure of happiness, that has been denied for some years now, because of my son's pain at being adopted. As much as it hurts all of us, I never realised that being adopted would bring such grief to my son and his need for me, and in turn that it would bring grief to parents that love him dearly. Things are doing an about turn and I note that a post today asks what makes for good communication in reunion. Well I would say, getting to know what the defenses are in my son and why, making myself an adult that he can turn to for the right responses, rather than a needy mother that discharges her pain on him. I have to take his pain, but resolve my own through other resources. Once we 'get' where an adoptee is coming from and adapt our responses to their needs, that is (I feel) what is going to get the best results. For me, Verrier helped me enormously in this journey, plus both my own approach to the triad and my son's mothers' approach and attitude to it. Both his parents were entirely supportive to his search for me. If the ultimate goal is to be achieved, then it would be for both sets of parents to communicate in a positive manner to each other and for the adopted son or daughter to see them so, then they can begin to enjoy what they need. It is very satisfying to see my son enjoy us both now, rather than fighting and being in pain. What a turn up for the books. What a week. My heart that has been sorely troubled for so many many years is now well satisfied and the future looks good. I still need to give my son breathing space and not be surprised if he needs to pull back from time to time. He has another person in the equation now... his grandpa and that will take it out of him. I feel that I've matured quickly in these past 22 months and that the emotional permafrost that kept me in its grip for so very long, has now thawed. I used to worry about so much in this reunion and its as if all those worries have now been laid to rest. Now we can get on with life, now we HAVE each other and the love is growing between us. If I never put in another journal entry, I have only one thing left to say - thank you Nancy (Verrier) for helping me in our journey. We are ok.