​Picture: My son Austin and I, December 2016.
​​Inside a restroom stall on my 25th birthday, I stood in shocked staring at the two sticks both marked "positive". The world stood still as my mind raced in every direction.
My life as I knew it was over. I thought I did everything "the right way": Graduated university with a bachelors degree in finance, landed a fortune 250 corporate job prior to graduation, I was enrolled in studying to be a U.S. Licensed Customs Broker, & working in my dream industry of international business. I had a huge ego, traveled for work, and flew in business class internationally. I resided in Long Beach, CA in my own 1 bedroom apartment with my cat - two blocks away from the ocean. I had just gotten back to Los Angeles from back to back weekend trips: running a 13.1 miles (half marathon) in Nashville, partied until 5 am in Chicago, bachelorette party in Vegas, a business trip in Dallas, and a wedding in San Diego. I worked out 6x per week and was in the best shape of my life. At the time, this was my definition of living the life of my dreams as a 25 year old. 
The next day, I found myself at Planned Parenthood & confirmed that I was indeed pregnant - 9 weeks along. The nurse lectured me as if I was a mother in trouble & I was told that my window to decide was getting shorter by the minute.  I called my mother, who was living internationally, to break the news to her and I had asked her for help. She said no, cried hysterically, and begged me to abort. The birth father and I had just broken up over a month ago and our future together was non-negotiable. 
Walking into Planned Parenthood, I had every intention to abort, however the moment I saw him swimming around in the ultrasound display, I knew there was a soul, and I just could not find it in me to follow through. I chose to give life & so the next 7 months consisted of uncertainty, the whole adoption process, emotional (hormonal) roller-coaster rides, & of course a baby growing inside.
As a 25 year old, I had extremely high expectations of myself compared to the average person. The backlash with high self-expectations is that there is no amount of validation to ever make me feel like I was enough. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew that I could've raised him on my own.
This is the part where most people disagree with my decision. I've heard every opinion and judgment possible. I've been called names and accused of a number of things. I have been told that I should be ashamed of myself. My father ignored me for an entire year after placement.
My favorite is when a colleague said "Aww, you should've given me the baby, I would've taken him". - As if my son was an object and as if you are qualified to be his mother. 
What I learned through this process was how to tune out the world and to listen to my own voice and intuition. 
The truth is that I wanted him to have an extraordinary life. I wanted older parents with life experience walking down the different paths of life, siblings so that he won't be lonely, and pets because I was not allowed to have them growing up. I wanted parents with masters degrees and financial stability to place him in Montessori school because I disliked daycare. Religion was important as long as it was non-extremist. The most important quality to me was Time. Time was the deal breaker because it was my love language and the type of love I craved most from my parents growing up. I was born to immigrants who became entrepreneurs. My parents both ran their own businesses, worked around the clock, and rarely had any time to spend with us. Gifts and money was their expressions of love. I knew as a single mother I would be forced to do the same to my son. I knew I would take my anger and resentment out on him the way my parents did with us. I knew he deserved more than what I could give him. 
The adoption agency sent me stacks and stacks of waiting family profiles. I turned them all down and came up with my list of requirements and told them that if they could not find me a family that matched - I would raise him myself. Sure enough that was when I met Mark, Sarah, & Reagan (Older Sister). 
When I was 7 months along, I flew out to visit the family. I wanted to meet their friends, check out the neighborhood, the schools, and basically see what day-to-day life meant in their household. Mark & Sarah had two disrupted adoptions prior to meeting me. I had built a solid relationship with the family. Because I was able to experience and see the environment that my son would be growing up with, it gave me a tremendous amount of closure and ease.
The hardest moment of my life was walking out of the hospital without my baby. Months of crying myself to sleep later, I grew the courage to let go & trust the journey. For the past 3 years, I’ve spent my days obsessing over ways to nurture my soul & to heal myself. Over 100+ self-help books later, countless seminars, courses, & certifications resulted in finding more calm & peace than most people do in a lifetime.
Initially, I thought I was giving him the gift of life. Now having gone through it, I came to realize that being a birth mom has been my grace. The hardships, misfortunes, & life lessons that we overcome... they become our life's purpose, mission, & journey.  
My dreams have since changed and I am still living it. If I could go back and do it over again, I wouldn't have it any other way. 
Modern Birth Mom (MBM) is a collective group of birth mothers & adoption advocates united to inspire birth mothers to live their best lives and help others do the same after placement.
We are here to create support systems that empower birth mothers to reach their potential, and turn their life experiences into fuel to achieve their dreams.
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