This is my first time writing in this forum and my first attempt to verbalise what I'm feeling so please bear with me..
I am 36 and was placed in my adoptive home shortly after my 4th birthday and have always known and 'understood' the reasons for my adoption. After years of internal struggle, anxiety and depression I finally decided to actively find my biological parents and got my file from my local authority who handled my adoption. Fast forward a year and I actually stumbled across my half-sibling on Facebook which led to make contact with my only full sibling (I wasn't aware I had a full sibling) and another half sibling and both my biological parents. Some might say jackpot! After really positive reunions with all I looked forward to building relationships with them all, however after the initial meeting both parents have withdrawn.
I have since developed an irrational anger, I understand having read my file, and spoken to my siblings, and in part to my biological parents about what happened. But I have this sense that I have been rejected again by them. I understand that they were unable to be parents when I was born, and I get they are still not able to be parents but I can't help the feeling that they should step up a bit more. I'm their child for all their declarations that they wanted me, loved me and wish that they had known me as a child etc etc but they just can't seem to think of me first.
I'm a parent myself and I would give me last breath to protect my children or to tell them I loved them that last time. But even as grown adults 30+ years later they cant see past themselves. I know I should be grateful I had a wonderful childhood, an amazing husband and 2 beautiful children but why can't I shift this soul crushing anger and hurt? I want to move on, deal with the fact they don't want to be active in my life etc but it hurts, its like I wasn't enough to fight for as a child and I'm still not enough for them..
Am I stupid? Will I ever be able to just move past this? I find it hard to verbalise how I feel to my family, I try and my hubby almost gets it but there is just this sense that they just don't get it, am I making too much of this or am I justified in my feelings? I want to feel something other than deep routed anger, I feel I constantly have to squash the feeling down in fear it will all come out and people will look at me like I am mad!
***sorry for the rant!