Okay so I did it. I wrote my soon to be 3 year old her birthday letter and finished up getting all her presents and everything ready to send so it will get there in time for her birthday next week.
I can't believe she's turning 3 a week from this Tuesday already. I don't know it's just bizarre, time and everything, my little girl growing up and watching her grow up through the pictures and the movies. It's just kind of surreal in a way, ya know what I mean.
Oh and my mom was irritating me cause I wrote the birthday letter to my almost 3 year old and then we were eating dinner so my mom asks me did you finish writing the letter? I'm like yeah and that didn't bug me, but what did bug me is that then she asks so how long was it and I'm like about 3 pages and this is what really bugged me when she said this next thing, "3 pages? Why so long? What did you write to her? I mean did you like tell her all about your life or something?" I was just thinking to myself, um what does it matter the length of the letter to my daughter - I placed her for adoption, I should be able to write however long of a letter to her as I want and I can write to her about whatever I feel I want/need to write to her so why do I need to tell my mother what I wrote to my daughter?? I mean that's what irritated me because I was like, seriously, what business is it of my mothers to question me on the details of this very personal birthday letter to my daughter I placed :grr:. But then again, this is my mom we're talking about here :rolleyes:.
Well and I've been moody and a little angry because of dealing with emotions that I do when it's one of my girls birthdays. So, anyway, I was annoyed by my mom doing her usual stuff to me today about my almost 3 year old and her birthday letter and stuff. I don't know I just get irritated with her asking me what I consider to be private questions about a lot of things in my life and not just about my girls, but I think that was a very dumb, too personal question for her to ask me that she had no right asking me or commenting to me like that about how long my letter is or wanting to know what I wrote in it and everything.
I've already cried during part of putting together my almost 3 yr old's bday package, writing her letter and everything today and well on and off this whole weekend. But I had another emotional moment hit me when I was signing and writing a not in her cute little birthday card I got to send with her gifts and everything. I don't know what it was that all of a sudden hit me that I was feeling this ache for my almost 3 year old to hold her in my arms again like I haven't felt in a while.
It just hit me and BAM, I was all teary eyed and getting emotional again and now I am again just thinking and writing about it here. I was just overwhelmed with this strong, amazing realization all the way to the depth and core of my soul of how deeply and unconditionally I love my daughter that's about to turn 3 years old now and my heart aches for her especially right now. My heart ached especially for her in that moment when that feeling and realization of how strong that feeling was for my daughter swept over me and that it was magnified as I felt and realized it twice as much thinking of both my girls at the same time.
Oh, man, I don't know how I do this sometimes. I mean I know I did the right thing, but it sure as heck hurts like heck sometimes and I miss them like the air I breathe and everything especially around their birthdays. I just sometimes wish they were older already so we could start having more of a relationship or so that they'd realize who I am and recognize me as their birthmother, other mother and that they would have the same importance of me in their life as they have in mine.
That's sometimes one of the hardest things for me is knowing that neither of my girls really know who I am or what part/role I play in their life just yet. I don't really mean as much to them yet because they're still young. They know about me, see my pictures and know that I'm part of their life and I'm someone important, but they don't understand it all yet for themselves so that is sometimes hard for me to realize. I mean ya know what I'm saying here.
Anyway, it's another year and another birthday that I'm surviving even though it's hard and I know everything will be okay, I just miss, ache and cry for her now at her birthday time especially. It's just the reality of it all every year for me so far.
How could it not be otherwise? She's my daughter, I gave birth to her and she was my firstborn girl. I wouldn't ever be able to forget that or her and the special place she'll always hold in my heart. She stole away my heart even before she was born, ya know.
I love her so much even though she's not with me and being raised and with her family that it kills me sometimes. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder is the truth especially in this situation.