Carla Young

I feel the exact same way. I don't accept the criticism from other people because I AM an adopted child. Now I am 54 and my 25 year old adopted daughter found her biological mother. She has a baby and said that she is her baby's real grandmother.I was VERY hurt by the way it has gone down because she acts like she doesn't need or want us anymore. She had an amazing childhood. But it's okay. I think about it like this. Her mother was a prostitute and drug user and had other children all taken away. She has all the great memories of childhood but none of our great family life now. It is her loss. It is her baby's loss. I am a GREAT grandmother who was willing to love, help take care of (because I don't have to work) and can afford to give her baby whatever she needed. I am very affectionate and understanding and stable. I didn't abandon her like her bio mother. But I still have goals and dreams of my own, now that I am an empty nester. And I don't have to worry about her any more. I choose not to. She does not deserve my attention any more. I told her that until she treats me like her mother, I am NOT her mother. Love is a choice. And people are quick to judge but she does not call, return calls or ever visit. She is also combative. She is a grown up now and she has just as much responsibility as I do to work at a relationship. Motherhood is NOT a one way thing. We give, give, give and there's no way that anyone who criticizes give as much. They don't get it. Family members and friends can meddle and say it must be something I did because otherwise she wouldn't have looked or she wouldn't call me names or I must have done something that made her want to hide her search. Well she didn't hide it. She put it all on Facebook. I wish those relatives had adopted so they understand it.As a mother, I know that I wanted my mother to be more involved in my life and my kids lives. I craved for more help and presence from her. We mothers have something of value. We adoptive mom's are GREAT. I am walking away. She can come running after me when she changes her mind. And I have the option of writing her out of my will, as well. Do not continue giving the majority of your focus to an ungrateful child who is taking your feelings for granted and turning their back on you. They need to understand how lucky they are. And before you criticize, I would feel the same way about my biological children if they acted this way (with in-laws or a spouse). They need to appreciate the parents who were there for every milestone cheering them on and their siblings, too. it hurts everyone when they say "you're not my real family." I know many of you don't have other children but I also love my husband and my dog. You can always find love in other relationships or focus on a career. Remember, I was adopted. I loved my mother and father unconditionally. But they never allowed me to control them with my actions. I was lucky to have them because they had careers and were busy and still had time for me. But they wouldn't have put up with any nonsense if I had acted this way. I was reluctant to look for my biological family and waited til I was almost fifty. Even then, I discussed it with my mother first and she supported me. I think it's a generational thing. We tend to focus more on children these days and they take us for granted.They want everything now and they think they are in charge of everything, even us. A little space might give them some perspective, let them see what they are missing. Kicked in the teeth, yes. I found my biological parents but I don't think its appropriate to spend holidays with them over your real (adoptive) family. They are extra. I was a great daughter and a loyal one, too.I am teaching my kids that they need to be good sons and daughters as adults. Life is not a one way road. There are other lanes, other cars and oncoming traffic. Watch out. And remember you are AWESOME mothers. Awesome fathers. Even without kids. You deserve to be celebrated. You are AWESOME!!!!