Michael McElveen

Hi Melanie, I am very sorry for what happened to you. I think you really need to speak with someone about this because sometimes both biological parents and adoptees really need to understand that they may not have the same needs and desires. You may feel heartbroken but I don't think you'd feel much better if your birth mom decided to have contact with you simply because she felt obligated to but really didn't want to. It's something that you will have to accept and based on what you said, it will not change.I am on the other side. I was adopted and found my birth father totally by accident. I won't reveal how on here for fear that someone in his family might read this, let's just say we look very much alike and randomly bumped into each other. Within a few months of figuring out who he was, I had cousins, half siblings and other relatives wanting to meet me. I felt guilty and kind of went with it. But the bottom line is I had no desire to find my biological family and although they seem nice, even now, 10 years later, I really don't want any contact with them.It bothered the hell out of me when my bio dad would say this is your cousin or try to teach me something about his language or culture saying that your half "this". To me, my identify, ethnicity, culture and other characteristics are that of my adoptive family. Luckily my bio dad is not reliable at all so I don't hear from him very often. I have had to cancel all of my social media accounts due to "cousins" and others adding me as a friend. I don't dislike any of my bio relatives but I don't really care to have any contact with them nor do I want my children to see them as relatives.The first few years I got a lot of invites to parties and reunions but since I ignored my bio family they have pretty much left me alone. I have no ill will towards them but I don't feel anything towards them either. It's just a genetic connection and that's all. Maybe because I had a strong positive childhood, I don't know. I honestly tried to connect with them but the feeling just wasn't there. I don't know why. So please understand, that your bio mom might not feel the same way that you do. It's probably tough but you have to get through it.Ask yourself why some people really don't care to find their bio families while others look for them and even go on talk shows. Are they actually seeking some form of happiness and think only their bio family can make them happy. Maybe, Melanie, it's not your bio family you are really looking for, maybe you're just sad for another reason and want to fill that void. Obviously, you feel some sort of rejection. They way I look at it is that your bio parents are responsible for creating your body but who you really are comes from your upbrining.

You did not list any specific details about your situation or your reasoning. In the foster care system there are many "children" between 18-21 who are still available for adoption. They chose to remain as wards of the state instead of going on their own. There are many reasons for this. Many of them are finishing high school or even in college. They are searching for a connection to a family. Their biological family was so abusive or dysfunctional that they don't want any contact with them.For legal purposes, these young adults are still considered children. Once they move in with you there will be social worker visits, family reports made on the placement and they will only have to live with you for 6 months before the adoption takes place. For someone 18 or over who is not a ward of the state, they must reside with you for at least 2 years before adoption is possible. And, a ward of the state will qualify for tuition breaks and possible monthly subsidies.Outside of that, there could be other reasons for an adult wanting to be adopted. For example, you dislike your biological parents so much you want them off of your birth certificate. You became very close to someone and want to have inheritance rights. And probably a variety of other reasons. But another adult should be hesitant before adopting an adult who has parents and a family because now the adoptee will have the same rights as your other children.Me personally, I would adopt an adult in their early 20's even if they were not in the foster care system if I knew them for a long time and they had no parents or family and still needed a little bit of help to get started in life. Other than that, I would be quite suspicious if an adult wanted me to adopted them. And I also feel that it would be disrespectful to any other children that I have to allow a stranger to have the same legal status as them.