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Me Du replied on Kristin Rich's thread "What would have helped you as teenager?".
Hi- I hope that some of my perspective might be able to help. I’m not fully adopted, but I didn’t find out until I was an adult that the man who raised me wasn’t my biological father. My parents still are vehement that I was not supposed to find out and have not been very supportive of any choices I made to dig out the truth of my paternity and the circumstances surrounding it. The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that my parents are also human beings. They were once children also. They had parents who made bad choices and suffered from physical and emotional abuse, like many others do. All of the circumstances that resulted in my mother’s pregnancy and their life-long secret are a direct result of their experiences and lives to that point. Having sympathy for and empathizing with aren’t the same thing. There are so many times that I ‘couldn’t imagine how this person made this decision’, but that is because I never walked in their shoes and had to live through their lives and was faced with a situation that will likely result in devastation no matter the path. I hope that helps.
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Me Du replied on Corey Bond's thread "Need some advice".
Hi- I had some similar circumstance, although my journey didn’t start through a genealogical test. I was told at 30yrs old that the man who raised me wasn’t my biological father. After almost a year I received enough information to start really looking. I didn’t have anything specific I was looking for or expectations on what I would find. I found a lot, I actually knew the entire family tree of my bio-dad before I ever made contact. It took me a long time to determine whether to reach out to the half siblings. I wasn’t sure how to go forward. They might not know anything about me and I might just wreck their family. Long story short I found out the family was already fractured so it was easy to make that choice without disrupting relationships. But I definitely shook the lives of the siblings I reached out to. It turned out to be a toxic relationship with the sibling and I had to stop contact. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I had to reach out to the bio-dad and make contact. His wife of 28 years had no idea about me and they were together at the time of my conception. I share all of this hoping that you can see that many things are out of your control and most have never been in your control. It’s hard to admit out loud, but every move I made was a selfish one. Truthfully, almost all decisions we make are selfish ones. We’re either avoiding conflict or seeking happiness. You looking for your truth is selfish- as it should be. I have spent the last 4 years trying to pick up crumbs of my truth while wholly avoiding my perceived wrecking/uprooting of other people’s lives. But it landed me in a much worse position than I started. Today I’m more depressed, lost, and confused than the day I found out about my paternity. My avoidance of conflict has been my detriment. Your decision is a very difficult one and only you can answer it. The only thing you can ever do is be ready to face any potential outcome. Sometimes it’s when you know you can handle whatever comes next that you can choose your path. Hope my words help bring you whatever you need.