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I think it could make me scream. NO bow to her, NO reference to her, to her loss...to ANYONE's loss, for that matter. THAT'S the rub for me with this poem: it captures the attitude that is so prevalent--that adoption is this romantic, "win-win-win" miracle. "Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone/but still miraculously my own." NO--IT ISN'T A MIRACLE!!! It is a wrenching process that involves the losses of many people, not the least of which is that of the adoptive parents
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I think it could make me shout. NO bow to her, NO reference to her, to her loss...to ANYONE's misfortune, besides. That's the rub for me with this lyric: it catches the mentality that is so pervasive -that selection is this sentimental, "win-win-win" supernatural occurrence. "Not substance of my tissue, nor bone of my bone/yet at the same time inexplicably my own." NO- -IT Isn't A MIRACLE!!! It is a tweaking process that includes the misfortunes of numerous individuals, not the slightest of which is that of the new parents
I know this is an older post, but struck me reading the responses that this in not about who hurts more...the birth mom or the adoptive mom. Because we both hurt in ways neither will fully understand. This quote is for the CHILD who strives for some form of normalcy in his/her life that is often missing in an adoption. I am the mom of two adopted children, both through open adoptions. Both children have suffered great losses... and feelings of abandonment no matter how "wonderful" their adoption birth story is or their adoptive family life. I can't stress enough that many of these posts relay to me an "us against them" mentality that in no way helps the child. Our children (collectively adoptive children) know we love them. We don't "need" a quote to tell them that. We tell them that every day with our love and nurturing. But guess what... it is NOT enough for them. They need MORE reminders of this because of their deep loss they incurred (and many including my children incurred again and again as their birthparents came and went out of their lives). They need affirmations from both their adoptive and birth families.
Be kind to each other birthparents and adoptive parents. We have ALL suffered loss...but none so great as the child. Let's give them all the love and reminders they need to build their self esteem and belief in who THEY are (not us adoptive parents or birthparents).
Adoption is a journey of loss as well as joy. These emotions flood the lives of all parties involved. Let's put our losses aside and try to help the child overcome theirs.
<3
Lisa
I want to question the title of this thread. By what criteria should "best" be judged? I think that's very much in the eye of the beholder, and even for an individual can definitely change over time.
Long ago when I was a child I heard this poem many times from my adoptive mother. At the time I simply took it to mean what she said it meant... that she loved me dearly, and no interpretation was necessary beyond that. If you had asked me then about adoption poetry I would have recited it by heart. And to be honest, it was the only adoption poem I ever recall hearing, so if I called it "best" it would only be by default. She still treasures the poem and finds a lot of meaning in it.
For me the meaning has changed somewhat as my understanding of the nuances and complexity of adoption has grown, but I still understand what she means to say when she uses it.
Nowadays, I find that there is adoption poetry by adoptees which expresses our own experiences and speaks to me more meaningfully than the "not flesh of my flesh" poem ever did. There have been some that I found very personally resonant, and others that helped me to see and appreciate other adoptees' perspectives. One that absolutely blew me away was Rachel Rostad's "Names," delivered superbly on stage and now available by video online.
So I guess I do not think there is ever going to be a "best" adoption poem, because there are just so many different experiences and needs to be met.
This is a long thread spanning decades and I basically just joined right now because I wanted to respond with my thoughts on one of the posts.
Marcy I don’t know anything about your process of adoption nor any parents nor even mine but I will tell you one thing that is from my view.
This poem, the one that this thread is about is not always the same to everyone just as Marcy had said and I wish that every sorrow for you or anyone else revolving around being adopted can be calmed if by anything but time. For me, being adopted is something that I every so often ponder about. Not necessarily in positive ways but not in negative either. This is a poem my mother used to say and write in her journal as if she were speaking to me through her daily/weekly entries awaiting my arrival. For me, this poem means much more than it could for many others in the sense that it helps me to realize that no matter how much pain, self pity, guilt, suffering, low self esteem, self hatred, self blame etc I may every have for myself or for being adopted and wondering “why wasnt I good enough or what was wrong with me. Why didn’t she love me. Why was I let go???!”, it doesn’t matter in the end even if I come to the conclusion, she was just loving me so much she gave me the opportunity to have a better life”.
All of those thoughts I have had and many others don’t even come close in comparison to this simple and powerful thought that I always end my adoption and birth mother ponderings about: No, they may not be my biological parents nor sister but they are my family and the most powerfully loving thing about my adoption is that my parents didn’t create me, they wanted me, searched for me, waited for me, loved me, and cared for me without thinking, not even once, that I was not one of their own. I am their child and brother. They are my parents and sister.
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