I have hit a dead end road on my search for peace...

Deborah, your post brought tears to my eyes. My heart really goes out to you. I am also an adoptee (reunited) and a mother of four myself. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. 24 years ago I found myself pregnant at the age of 17 and having been adopted myself (as you are!) I just knew I could never give up my child. Thankfully I was able to keep him. But if I had made the decision that you did, I would pretty much be where you are right now. I'm sure everyone has told you to make peace with your decision because you "did the right thing" and that is true! But I'm sure it doesn't really lessen your pain. You miss your child and you want to know that she DID get the wonderful life you hoped for her. I wish there was an easy answer to your dilemma but I know there is not. But I hope it helps to share it with us here and know that I will pray that one day God will give you the peace you seek - hopefully through some contact with your daughter. She is too young to search for you right now but there is every chance that she will in a few years. It has become very common and relatively easy to search - and it is in your favor that she is a girl because women are more likely to search than men! BTW, I'm wondering if you have reunited with your own birthmother. Is that something that you want to do? Take care and please feel free to share your experience on this forum. There aren't many people in our lives who can understand these feelings but many of us here have been in similar situations and can sympathize with what you're going through. Best wishes, Sonata

Hey hun, its amazing what the mind can do, repressing trauma is the brains way of allowing us to survive. After I lost my son to adoption, also in 1988 I went on believing that I did the most wonderous act, feeling that I was a saviour in the eyes of the adoptive parents. I survived with suppressed memories intacked for twelve years, just before my 27th birthday, which is four days from my sons I had a nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide. When I woke up in the hospital I found that I had full recollection of my sons birth and subsequent adoption. I remember in those twelve years of suppression that I never fully accepted that I gave birth. Even though when asked I would always say I had four children. My thoughts of him where always masked with a fog, as if I was speaking in third party and I was only an entity. I then embarked on a journey to find my son, believing that this is what I needed the most. It has been two years since finding my son, when I first found him I thought my life would be happily ever after and he would fall into my arms, luckily this did not happen for I had and still have so much grief healing to accomplish. We will forever feel as if a piece of us is missing, even in reunion. We will never have the satisfaction of raising our children to adulthood. Our maternal feelings will never come to pass though they still blossom. In finding my son was okay to me it was bittersweet, even though the words are there, even though I am now able to see through a picture the fine young man he is I still feel incomplete, my worry never ceases, and in my case becomes worse. Have you read Heather Carlini's A birthmothers Trauma?? This book is so truly amazing and beautifully written. It tells us that we are not alone in our pain and that it is okay...it is nessissary to greif the child you lost. I too feel that I am not a good mom nor a good wife. I also feel that if I love my three subsequent children I am betraying my first born son. These are feelings that I am working through right now. Its extreamly difficult to parent when you lost your first child. You will eventually be reunited with your child, your suppressed memories awakening now is good, because this means that you will have this time to heal your grief before meeting your child, there is nothing worse than meeting your child for the first time with your memories still inside. Hugs Melissa

Hi. Thank you so much for posting, I did not even get to finish my posts and you were replying. Thanks so much for caring. Please go back to see what you may have not seen in my original post. I tried to go back and edit and it somehow got lost. Thanks for your thoughts. Hugs! Deb

Your daughters adoption was in Georgia right?? You can obtain all your information from the hosptial about her birth, and you are entitled to your information about her adoption, sometimes this leads to other information. Its to bad that the lawyer destroyed these documents for as far as I can find Adoption agencies are very sticky when giving out information. I do know that there is FOI office in that State (Freedom of Information) I am not certain in what capacity they run but from what I can see reading on the net you do have every right to ask for information about you..meaning all papers that are non identifying to a third party, even before your child is of majority. Please correct me if I am wrong in my assumption about your daughters birthplace. I know I do have it somewhere but at the moment cant seem to find it...must be my selective memory. Hugs Melissa

Deborah, I live in Atlanta, Georgia. If there is anything I can do to help you, let me know. You can PM me if you want. Sonata

Decision- Thank you for your concern and for trying to help me as much as you possibly can. You did refer me to some leads about a month ago and I did research them. You had told me something about the FOI act in Georgia which is where my daughter was born and adopted. I emailed them asking them how to request any records of mine. I did not mention adoption. They called me back and said that they did not keep any records on me and then ask me the nature of the records, and then they said that I would have to get any records regarding that from the State Adoption Unit. That they were the only ones who would have records on me. I do not know where to go from there. As far as the hospital goes, they told me that records were only kept for seven years. I think that is hogwash myself. I know that my doctor had a few records from the hospital a few years ago when I requested them from him. I just mainly want to have something to help me remember everything and I think that if I had my records(none that identifies the family) that it would help me. Of course I would love to be able to see if she is ok somehow but if I could just find more answers to help me work through some of this mess from suppression that is now coming out and trying to destroy me and my family, then I could at least be a little more close to having some type of peace in my life. Thanks for trying to help. Sonata- thank you also for caring and being there. I did go to search for my birthmom when I was 22. I did meet her and have an ok relationship with her and my two half sisters. Would like it to be closer though. You said that you live in Atlanta, how close to there do you live? I live about an hour north of Atlanta. I had my daughter at Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta in 1988. I wish that you could help me but just being there for me is nice. How was your reunion with your birthfamily? Do you continue to have a relationship? PM if you want to tell me more of your story and about where you are at. Take care. Hugs to both of you!!!!! You mean a lot!!!!!!!

What did you name your daughter??? I was born 3/4/1988 and I have been given random info about my adoption which not matching upquote=10609]I am a birthmother who just wants to know her daughter is safe. I have been searching for any information to lead me to know the truth so that I can have some peace in my life. My daughter, born March 4, 1988 was adopted through a private attorney. I just learned after wondering for so long that I never used an agency. I feel like for the past 15 years, that I have suppressed almost every detail of this time in my life. My mother and father(who are my adoptive parents-I am adopted also w/closed adoption) never informed me of anything other than closed adoption while I was pregnant. I was never told of any other option. I know that in my heart that I made the right decision only because I felt like I could not raise her by myself with no help. My parents persuaded me that adoption was the right thing to do. I have lived a very busy life since my daughter turned four, as I gave birth to a son. I have spent an active life with three children for many years now and up until about three years ago, I put my other daughter into God's hands and held on to that. Three years ago, I started to have most of those suppressed feelings and events of come rolling back into my life only to drive me down into a state of not being able to be a good mom to my children or to my husband, due to pain, grief, worry, guilt and many other destroying feelings. I have been trying to find anything to just prove to me that she is ok out there. I do not want to interrupt her life. I have finally reached a place in my search for answers where I honestly have nowhere else to look for answers or find the peace that I desperately need. I have been trying to locate the attorney that handled the adoption. He did manage to get a few pictures of my daughter's first year after I wrote him and he contacted them about a year after she was born. For years now, I have known that he is one of my only hopes. i just found out on Friday that he has passed away. I located the Ga Bar Association to see if they could tell me anything and they confirmed my fears and gave me his wife's phone # since he only had a small private practice. I called her yesterday hoping to at least be able to get my file or at least part of it with my info on it, so that I could maybe remember some of the things that I do not. She told me that those files had been destroyed. I could not believe it. She said that he had called to verify what to do with the files and the State told him that if the file was located somewhere else, that he could destroy it. She told me that I would need to call the State Adoption Unit. I told her that they would not give the birthparent anything ever. She said that they should give my copies of where I signed to relinguish and my non-id info. Well, that put me to tears for a good while. Then, I tried to contact the hospital to find out how I would need to go about getting my records there, and they said that they no longer existed. So, I do not know where to go from here. I am feeling like I will never know. I do not know if she will even be told that she is adopted. I pray that she is and that she has the same interest to find me , as I had to find my birthfamily. Anyways, sorry so long. Anybody have any suggestions. Thanks to anyone who may.[/quote]