Letter To Daughter

Wow Dad, when I first read your post, I could swear you were talking of our adopted dd, but from her birth mother's perspective. Unfortunatly, her mother has NEVER made any indications that she wanted contact again or letters, pictures, etc. (even though it is no access). She was charged for fail to protect and convicted of it. It is nice to hear that others in similar positions as her are actually intent on letting their children know it was NOT THEIR CHILD'S FAULT they were abused and are still loved. Our dd always was made to beleive it was her fault. She still tells me that *** hit her because she was bad. Many years of councilling is ahead of her, but for her to hear from you that this is not the case and she is loved is very important. Our dd too was removed at 2.5 and is now 5. I pray your daughter finds peace in herself to know it was not her fault. Keep up the letters, as this will make the world of difference for her.

Monica, if it's closed how could she possibly indicate that she would like to know about her daughter? Of course you've never heard anything...cause there's no open line of communication.... So, that would be why. It don't have to be a lack of interest on their part any more than it is on yours...if you don't have contact for the safety of your child (by court order) then more power to you, but if you want to tell everyone the birthmother isn't interested at all then be sure! Maybe you'll be surprised...and maybe she's changed...then again, maybe not. If she has then you could possibly get a letter (or visit) from her assuring your daughter that it was never her fault and that she is loved by all members of the adoption triad.

lilifelover, As my dd was adopted through CAS it is a close adoption. Even though, her social worker has tried to remain in contact with her bmother for pictures, letters, etc. that K could have. The bmother so far has indicated she wants nothing to do with her. So, we are very sure that she wants no contact. Just last week, our SW tried to get at least some baby pictures from her bmom or bgrandmom and was meet with hostility. I wish this was not the case, as we have nothing, not even pictures of the bmom or family to show K. We are not aloud to send pictures, etc. at the moment, but we can definatly receive them. I hope this will change.

Thanks for clearin that up...I hope that will change as welll, if only for K's sake.

wow what a change to this website, found it very confusing to find my way around but I think I have managed now. Back to reality... I have recieved my first letter actually written by my daughter. what a shock it was I can tell you. I could say you've got no idea how I felt when I got it, but some of you will have experienced this and know what I am talking about. I am in shock, I found it hard to write a letter to someone else who was to read to my my daughter and I've said before (i think) that I found it hard to write a letter to someone else to my daughter and would it not be easier to write to her? Now that I can write direct to her and she can understand me and what I say - now I am lost for words as to what to say crikey there is no helping me really is there. So I am going to try and do a letter to her soon, does anyone have any tips as to what to say? thanks for all help Paul (aka alisha's dad)

Thank you so much for what you said. Sorry I cannot say online how I feel.

Dad:To be honest I would, as a parent, find it hard to beleive that you knew nothing about the injuires your bdaughter suffered at the hands of her bmom. I also, find it difficult to see how your daghter was in foster care for 2 1/2 years and she was adopted out?I'm sorry, but everyone here is saying how much a child needs to hear their parents love them but it's hard to feel that when your bones are broken and your skull factured.

But it is true, I am ashamed that I did not know either, thanks for not believing me. As I worked away a lot I did not see everything and believed everything she said. Why do you find it difficult to see how she was in foster care for 2 1/2 years the court case took that long, untill the end I visited weekly at the social services, then the court decided to have her adopted. What's wrong with that? This is how they operate here in the UK.

Not to start BUT, why didn't you try to gain custody? I mean two years is a very, veery long time for a parent to try and get the child back, I also think two years is too long for a child to stay in foster care- I'm very curious, what will you tell your bchild when she ask "why?"

It's been awhile since you first posted this, but I just ran across this and felt like commenting. For us, Father's Day is for our DS' Daddy...the man that has gotten up with him at all hours of the night, the man that changes his poopy diapers, gives him a bath, holds his hand while walking outside and helps him build tents out of the diningroom table...this man did not pass onto him his genes, but passes on his knowledge, love, guidance and time to our DS daily. We acknowledge our DS' birthfather on the day before Father's Day, just as we acknowledge his birthmother on the day before Mother's Day. I'm surprised that you are amazed that you have not gotten a Father's Day card from your birthdaughter after it took you years to even make contact with her and hopefully apologized for your part in her painful early life. Perhaps some day, when she's older and her parents have instilled in her the self-confidence and forgiveness she will need to grow past the rough start she had, she may acknowledge you with the love that you are hoping for. Kat

The court case took such a long time. I did try for her, I even asked my wife to try which was dismissed after 3 months which was hard too. And because I was away a lot I did not know how the injuries really happened I was blind and stupid. I also agree that Father's day cards will go to the man who is doing the day to day care of Alisha. Althought I am aware that there is NO man in Alisha's adopted parent life. I am still hurting and regret it all, I was young and stupid all those years ago.

Also I have to say that the reason it also took so many years to contact Alisha, was because social services did not have this "Letter Box" Agreement in place until she was 5. For all those years from when she was adopted to then I always thought about her, where she was and what she was doing. I still do now, yet I do get 2 letters a year with photos and good progress of her life. She is also aware of my life too, we just don't actually know each others towns. Social Services do all the posting between us. Thanks for all who listened and commented. I cannot beelive it is nearly a year again since I last visitied this site. Thing is I am due a letter and need to write a letter back, it's easier now, knowing that she can write her own letters. I am allowed to tell her how I felt for her, and how I feel now. Paul (DAD)

Hi all, been a while since on here. Just like to say Alisha is now 10 and get 2 letters a year and are enjoying each others letters. I have been asked where I live in the last letter and it was not crossed out by Social Services, I called Social Services and they said it's up to me if I want to give her my address. Thanks to everyone who replied and said nice things. I am much happier now than i was when I first joined. Hope all is well Best wishes Paul

Any advice on how to prepare for an actual physical or verbal contact scenario? I've been asked for address/contact details in recent letter. No idea what do do or say? strange that I have in the past dropped hints on my location and where i work and what i do in my letterbox letters, have been assured those coments are not removed, so baffled as to why i am being asked for them.. slightly confused, so please forgive my dumbness tonight. Hope everyone else is doing well. Best wishes P.

Hi! My kids had a visit with their first dad before Christmas, my son is 11 and had very little memory of his father. For my kids, curiosity was huge. They wondered what he looked like..... were they anything like him...... what kinds of things was he good at....... finding out he had always loved them and thought about them even though he had not been able to parent was a big deal. I'd say meet her in a kid friendly environment where you two can have fun, like at a park or zoo. Show happiness at seeing her, but not overly gushy. Just enjoy the moments with her that you have now, and let her do most of the leading-- don't try to explain too much. Don't make a bunch of promises, or any promises, you're not 100% able to keep. For example, don't promise her you will start calling her every day or every week. Even if you would love to. If the current situation is for monthly exchange of letters and twice yearly visits, let her know you are very happy about that and look forward to seeing her every 6 months and monthly letters, and don't try to increase it in the visit. My kids' first dad was all gung ho on the visit, talked wonderfully to them and to me, but in the months since hasn't kept up with the promises he made. Which disappointed the kids and showed them he's not trustworthy even if he talks big about loving them. Let her mom know you really appreciate her allowing you in your daughter's life, and if you want increased time, discuss that privately with her, but focus only on your daughter during the visit. It should be all about just hanging out with her. A gift for your daughter would be sweet, but don't overdo it. You want her to know you think about her, but not associate you with tons of presents. Just do your best to go and have a fun, but relaxing time.... and anticipate a GRADUAL years-long process of getting to know her and spend time with her. Let us know how it goes!!