Reunion Relationships!

I let my bson go again.. I did this a few years into the reunion.. It was an interesting experience.. I told myself that I could get on with my life.. And I did! I told him that I wanted to know him and was open to contact. But I put the ball in his court.. Now when we connect I consider it a gift.. I also have a hard time keeping the relationship going.. He lives on one side of North America and I live on the other.. I felt my son needed time to 'digest' what I had told him.. Jackie

My son was located in 1996.He was 36 at the time. From the time of our first phone call, the hole that had been in my heart for so long dissapered. He lives in a nearby state and he came to visit me a week after our first call. It was wonderful. Almost unbelievable. We bonded so fast. He called me mom and told me he loved me. It was a week out of a fairy tale. Never been so happy. He would call and we had long conversations. He is divorced with two children. I had two granddaughters and the fact that he was my only child, I never expected to have any. He had told me that whenever I wanted to come visit to stay with him. I decided that was a good idea. Called him to make plans, could only be gone for two or three days. Asked him to check his work schedule and tell me the best time to come so I could make plans. "Great, I will call you" He didn't call, email or write. I was besides myself. I call and leave msgs, email, sent cards in mail. No response. I was just sick. Had I lost him? Found a greeting card with just the right words. Told him I didn't care how he contacted me, but I MUST talk with him. I got the phone call. He said "mom, I am not ready for you to come here yet" So he wasn't ready, I felt crushed but at least he was talking to me. That was in 1996, he still is not ready for me to go there. I have two granddaughters that I have never met. Do get to send gifts and talk on the phone once in awhile. I always thought that bonding came slowly, but in my case we had an instant bond and now years later we feel like complete strangers. Now mind you, it's not that he doesn't want to see me, he would come here if I sent him a ticket. The opinions that I got from my bmom friends is that he is being protective of his amom. Afraid she will be hurt or feel threatened if I came there. We do talk every month or so. Always a short conversation. We are strangers and so it's hard to talk. I am a reunited (?) bmother and an in-family adoptee with a mother who rejects me and keeps me a secret. I don't know which is worse. Thanks for listening carol

Hello Carol He said "mom, I am not ready for you to come here yet" This reunion thing is so complex.. I protect myself now.. I no longer try to be the very best birthmom ever.. Jackie

Ya know what, Jackie? I don't try to be the best bmom either, not anymore. I used to follow the RULES of reunion. Send card every week or so, call every week,send gifts and money, that I can't afford. I hate sending money and not getting a thank you back. I must be a BAD mother. It hurts me deeply that in a reunion in 1996, that started off so good and I am still not ALLOWED in his town. My whole life has been full of restrictions. Starting out with my grandparents that adopted me. They were very religious and I wasn't allowed to do anything, including having friends outside of the church. My mother/legal sister keeps me a secret. When I found out at age twelve who she really was, I KEPT THE SECRET, did not tell anyone until I was 36. Maybe keeping secrets is a family tradition. I am restricted with her as if I told her stepsons or friends the truth she would never speak to me again. Is a restricted relationship with very little contact better than none? Fact is, I love her anyway and don't want to lose contact. Then my son restricted me. I could just scream. You will find me to be a very open and honest person, maybe too open. I don't want to keep secrets anymore and I don't have to. Now, what was the question? I forgot! carol

Question? :) There is always a question... I think a lot of this is about control.. Someone working very hard to control us.. And we behave like puppets.. I said NO!! to my mother.. She sputtered.. Ohhh that was a nice moment.. I just posted a post to an adoptee who's birthmom is saying I am having a happy life and I don't want to see you.. What is that about? What mother would not want to see her child? I will no longer be with people who do not want me.. When my bson stopped writing or responding to my missives I just stopped writing back.. Stopped trying.. Told him I am happy you are okay and all is well.. and if he wanted to know me I was here.. I let him go again.. And I can remember thinking.. Now I get to have a life.. My dominating mother is gone (she died) and bson is okay.. all is well.. Jackie

Thank you for posting this, very helpful to me. Guess thats why I love going to groups and forums. I had never thought of it as control. But it is. The birthmother side of me:p was told a long time ago that it is an "adoptees ballgame" We have to do what they want and at there pace. You know what really makes me angry about that? The adoptee side of me never had her own "ball game" There is so much to learn in the wonderful world of adoption that we are in. Maybe that is why I started this new group HOME of the blues. It is for bmoms who were sent to the HOMES and adoptees whoese bmoms were sent to the HOMES. TO get together and support and learn. I would love to know what my mother had to endure for my sake. Since she has never come to terms that she was sent away, and had me, she will never talk about it.

The adoptee side of me never had her own "ball game" When we are controlled we want to control :) And none of it ever works.. I quoted some Melody Beattie in another thread.. She said some good stuff about control.. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=618122#post618122[/url] I see the angry birthmoms on the net.. The ones who want to control how adoption happens in the US (and other places) today. Safe haven.. I have a real hard time with that one.. But I can't control it.. Its going to happen no matter what.. So I think I have spent a lot of time in the last few years.. being angry at the way things are happening right now.. I wasn't sent to a home.. I was 21 and I got a job till I showed.. (1964) I saved all my money and we got me a motel in Boca Raton.. It was a time out in my life.. A time out from the insanity.. It was an (almost) peaceful time. Jackie

Hi Jackie Are you talking about SAFE HAVEN for mothers to take there babies, instead of putting them in dumpsters, leaving in restrooms, or out in the cold to die? Or are you talking about a different safe haven? I have a lot of adoption related wants. For every mother, even teenagers to be supported and encouraged to keep her baby,if she is capable. At an adoption, to have an agency to make sure the adoptive parents are what they say they are. Many children are abused by adopters. I don't believe in foreign adoptions. We have so many here in foster care. If there is a foreign adoption it will be very difficult for mother and child to reunite. Every adoptive parent should tell there child. Adoptive parents should be supportive about a SEARCH Every American should have the human right of getting there own unaltered birth certificate. **I had to petition a court to get mine. It should not be at the discretion of one judge. Every birthparent and adoptee should know that if they search they do not know what they will find or if they will be rejected. Thats my list. lol You were fortunate that at least you were 21 and able to take care of yourself. Many young teenagers were sent to the HOMES, they didn't have any choice and some were shamed and treated badly. carol

Yes I was thinking of 'safe haven' and how it is practiced in the US today.. I have a lot of problems with it.. North Dakota gives a person a year to drop the baby off.. That does not make any sense to me.. A year? It was supposed to save babies life.. No one is going to leave a year old baby out in the elements or heck just abandon he or she.. A year old baby would make an awful lot of noise.. And I agree.. the ones who were sent to a home had a terrible time.. Jackie

Jackie, did you say North Dakota? I was born in Fargo N.D. at the Florence Crittenden Home. Now isn't that a place to be born. The family moved to Minnesota because of my birth they didn't want the shame on the family. A year is a long time. Maybe they are targeting the women who can't handle it and kill there children. I met this lady on an adoptee group. She was left in a paper bag on a strangers porch in the dead of winter. She wrote a book FINDING ME IN A PAPER BAG it is an awesome book. made me grateful that I know who my mother is. carol

Some will say that safe haven is a fast track relinquishment.. A very different kind of relinquishment from the ones they do today.. Open adoption.. Its like the woman or girl is not expected (encouraged) to take responsibility for the baby.. No going to a doctor.. No getting help for the delivery etc.. No consequences if she does not get medical help. I worry about the woman who actually does safe haven her baby.. How in the heck does she face herself years down the road.. How in the heck can she deal with keeping this kind of thing a secret.. Some folks will say safe haven will not catch the ones who really do abandon..(I kind of agree with them). There are no records kept in some states.. No way of acutally getting any hard facts.. Its all secrecy.. Darn that secrecy.. :) In Texas you have three months (pretty sure but typing from memory) to consider dropping the baby off.. And what really gets me is that in Texas you can drop your baby off at an adoption agency.. All in secrecy.. No questions asked.. It just reminds me of the time when I relinquished.. Jackie

I think that the Safe Haven serves a good purpose. I think the whole idea behind it was to save babies lives. If it only save some lives then it is worth it. Maybe the others who are using it for different reasons, like they don't want a record of it. They think they are protecting themselves, but then again if there wasn't this safe haven they might give away or sell there babies. who really knows. What they don't know is it will come back to haunt them. There will be no papertrail for mother or child to use to search. Life is something, thoes who want there children have them taken away and those who have the children throw them away. However I look at it, it is a lose-lose situation. carol

I just don't want to see another baby relinquished out of fear.. Out of secrecy and hiding.. If all the states had that 72 hour rule I may lean a bit in the direction of it saves babies lives.. Those seventy two hours are the most dangerous for the baby IMO.. After that what safe haven is doing is saving a baby from being murdered. A three month old baby is a baby.. Someone who has history with the mother etc.. Its not in danger of being left in the elements.. (unless the mother is a murderer) Its a step backwards to me.. And again.. we don't know the stats on who is saved and who is not.. We can never know because of the secrecy factor.. I looked on your bio Lady C.. I was born in 1942 :) Jackie

Just read this thread and some bells went off for my own situation. Thought I'd put my 2 cents in too! :) I was united early this past year with my birth mother and birth sister. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed in the reunion. Sometimes it's a delayed reaction too. When I pulled back it didn't have a whole lot to do with my birth mom but more to do with dealing with feelings. There is some great articles on here that explain the reunion process really well. There definitely seems to be certain stages one goes through. My birth mother and sister both noticed my pull-back and questioned me on it. I told them it was nothing that anyone had done but more just me taking time out to process things. They still don't quite understand why I would do that or need that but it really was all about me and was nothing to do with them or the way they show their love for me at all. When an adoptee has known for so long they were adopted and has had a lifetime to ponder it all... it takes quite a while for some to process the reunion and to put the "missing pieces" that have been missing for so long into place. Things do tend to work in cycles and come around. Don't worry. Just be open and honest and accept the fact that your son may not be able to find words for his feelings right now. Time is key. (This is just IMHO) I found that whatever we have to work through (knowing my birthmother has her own set of feelings post-reunion to work through too) not guessing or assuming what the other person is thinking or feeling is important. If unsure I speak my mind and ask for feedback from them. Most of the time what I let my wandering mind get up to was way off base!! ;) I do agree that distance plays a factor in reunion outcomes. I hope that things work out for you. Hope this may have helped in some small way. Take care.

Hmmmm..... Yes, I think this kind of relationship would make me feel more comfortable. Somehow her eagerness to be my "mom" pushes me back a little as I don't need a replacement for the wonderful adoptive mom I have. If my birthmother specified that she doesn't want to step in and take over but rather be my friend I wouldn't be so "stand offish" I guess. Yet, I still want to feel like she wants me to be around and be part of my life.My suggestion would be to write a letter to explain that you are so happy that your son is part of your life now and you don't want to smother him or be distant from him. Explain how it's hard to know how much to be involved with him without offending him or pushing him away so you need to take your clues from him if he can let you know what his needs are right now. Perhaps even explaining that you are aware that there are stages he may be going through with the reunion process and his feelings may be up and down and he may need time to ponder sometimes or just take a "break". You need him to keep you informed along the way as to how much or how little to be involved with him at the time. I guess what I'm saying is if you make him aware that you understand the process of reuniting, and such delicate matters need to have boundaries clearly defined. (Most of the time people in relationships don't define there boundaries clearly with words but this is one area where it's crutial. -IMHO)I say this because I know if I received this kind of letter from my birthmother it would have made a tremendous difference to me. I tried to explain to her what I was going through and I tried to keep her informed of where my thoughts are in the reunion process but she just doesn't want to hear about it. She thinks I'm just complicating matters and using my head too much instead of my heart. Her dismissing my feelings like this is the worse think she could. She even thinks coming on this site to gain support and work things out is stupid. (How can someone trying to help themselves by seeking a support system be stupid??? I thought it was a very healthy idea myself!!) Even if she doesn't understand my feelings she doesn't have to deny them. It has made be back away from her.I don't know if this helps any. It's only my suggestion because I would like to have had my birthmother respect me like that. Let us know how it works out. I would love to hear.Take care :)