Being shut out?

My advice is to be patient with him, he'll come around. At this point he's hurting. (I'm a female, but I am having some of the same feelings as he is, because I personally am an adoptee like he is, only a few years younger, hope you don't mind. So hopefully maybe this will help) Don't force him to talk. He'll talk when he's ready, just be there for him and let him know that you support him and still love him (if your relationship has gotten that far). And hopefully he'll understand that you aren't going to leave him, but at this point, patence is the key. Remember also, take one day at a time, hopefully I have helped a little bit.

How did you arrive at the conclusion that the problems in the relationship are due to his being placed for adoption? Not all adoptees feel "abandoned". Many bioMothers did not abandon their children ~ many were unable to parent and made the difficult and painful decision to have someone else raise their child. There are many reasons that relationships have problems. Many people that were never touched by adoption have the exact same relationship problems.

As a female adoptee (who is 35) I can tell you that it is very difficult for me to maintain relationships with anyone except my children. I have been with the same man for over ten years and have 2 children with him (and one on the way) but still feel very unsure of our relationship. It is hard for me to believe that anyone really cares about me. Even though I sometimes refer to him as my "husband" I could never actually see myself getting married to him (or anyone else) I have been through years of professional couseling, but can't get over the pain of being given up. My situation is a little unique though since my adoptive parents also abandoned me. Many adoptees will tell you that they have not been affected by their adoption at all, so I want to stress that everyone is different. Best of luck to you.

As a female non-adoptee, I've also found it difficult to maintain bonds. In fact, the older I become and the more I learn about others, the more I am convinced that most people have difficulty maintaining bonds; bonds don't come easily, and maintaining them is hard work, except for a lucky few who are gifted with a natural propensity for establishing bonds and a natural ability to maintain them. If relationships were easy, then good ones wouldn't be so precious. Unless your boyfriend has been diagnosed by a professional as having abandonment issues, and unless he has specifically stated to you that he feels his birthmother "abandoned" him and fears you will do the same, I would not make this assumption if I were you. There are many adoptees who do not feel this way at all, and some of them resent the assumption that all adoptees either have "abandonment issues" or else are in denial. While my experience with men is not vast (I've only been in two real relationships: my current marriage and my previous one) it is my understanding that many men, both adopted and non-adopted, do have intimacy issues, which are manifested by a reluctance to commit and a tendency to be emotionally guarded. What you describe sounds fairly typical of this. I hope and trust that your patience will pay off in the long run, that eventually your boyfriend will come to trust you and become more open with his feelings and less hesitant to "let you in". You might also consider some sort of joint counseling. Some people, for whatever reason, are never able to let down their emotional barriers enough to allow true emotional intimacy with another person, and if this turns out to be the case with your boyfriend, then you will ultimately have to decide whether to be content with the level of intimacy he is capable of offering you, or whether to move on. Best of luck to you both, Sharon

FYI, he did specifically stated to me that he has abandonment issues. So I'm not making assumptions. But thanks for all your replies..... Exercising patience, Rose

Rose don't let anyone make you question the underlying issue here...I am in a relationship with an amazing guy. Very early on he was the one to rush to a commitment..we were "meant to be together"...I was his "angel". Until he started provoking arguments over NOTHING! It was like he needed to be reassured that I wasn't going to break up with him. So when he would get all pissy over something very minor I would get all upset and reassure him and tell him I wanted us to work etc. etc. I still feel all the things I used to and rarely doubt our relationship--but it is a pattern I have noticed and one I accept because I know where it is coming from. He is adopted. He has issues. I am not saying ALLLLL adoptees have these issues (to those of you who seemed to bristle at the thought) or that adoptees are the only people with these types of issues (again to people who seemed to bristle at the thought) I have just accepted that the love of my life, for whatever reason, has whatever issues over his adoption manifest themselves as needing to test our relationship/my commitment. He has ALWAYS done this with his girlfriends. He has just finally found one, at a time in his life when we are both mature (mid 30's) who tries not to internalize his "moods" and I try to reassure him without losing my self respect nor his respect...does any of that make sense? I guess what I am saying is that your boyfriend's attitude sounds identical to mine and some of it must be attributable to adoption issues...the big thing is how YOU deal with it and react to it I guess...

cinfid- i think it's great that you are so patient with your boyfriend's "moods". it is good to recognize what might be underlying them relative to the big picture. it's also god to be aware of people's "bristling". i do also think it's fair to hope people aren't presumptuous about whether "adoption issues" underly these kinds of things: yes, there can be tendencies, but every one is at least a littel different and not everyone experiences such "issues". rose - i appreciate your efforts at understanding your boyfriend. sounds like he's a lucky guy. it might help you more to talk to someone with a better sense of the bigger picture such as a psychologist, or perhaps if you can find a reputable book on these things. it seems that these forums can be a pretty mixed bag of advice. good luck.

Have you suggested he get counseling, or find a local adoptee support group? You did not mention if he realizes his behavior stems from his adoption issues or if he denies his feelings altogether? I was in a very fruitless relationship with someone whose family had given him over to grandparents for monetary reasons. I am adopted myself, and my issues were also obstructing the relationship. I am very glad it is over, and know that 'pushing' it only ruined my health (in my case), even though I sought help for myself separately; He took this as a negative message. Sounds as though you have less to overcome, so I wish you luck.

To an adoptee it doesn't matter how they were given up. Even if the birth parent couldn't take care of them and made this hard decision.... it's still giving a child up. I'm a lot like your boyfriend. I push everyone away because in my mind everyone leaves. I'm not worthy of sticking around for. I know this isn't true superficially, but deep down inside it's another story. Just keep loving him. Let him bring it up to you. Does he belong to these forums? It could be a start. Good luck schivory