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I have been 18 now for almost a year. I have desired to search for my B mom since I was very little. Not because I have a bad relationship with my A mom. I love my A mom and we have the best relationship. She is always there for me on every other issue. Recently, I have gradually started my search. I put up some postings, I have been using these forums and others. I discovered that I can request the state to see if my b mom signed a consent for release of information. The form is simple enough and I had all the information I needed save for one thing. The name of the hospital where I was born. I side handedly brought up the topic in conversation with my mom but she passed it aside and wouldnt tell me. So I turned to my dad (my parents are divorced) he told me. So I was left with all the info I needed for this form. However, I do not wish to search withough my A moms consent. I'm currently in College and hours away from home so I called my mom to talk to her about the form. I told her I would not send it in yet if she felt uncomfortable, that she is the most important thing in my life and I dont want to hurt her. She told me I could do whatever I wanted but I could hear the hurt in her voice. I told her I would wait untill I was home and could better explain why I need to do this. The only thing I wonder is will she ever feel comfortable enough to support me in this. I have never done anything this emotional without her by my side. The thought of her fearing that I might love her less because I may find my b mom is horifying to me. I tell her all the time whenever I bring up the subject that she is my mom nothing will change that. That I just need closure on a part of my life so that I can move forward into the future. Even if I develop a relationship with my b mom it would never be like what I have with my mom. Any suggestions on how to talk to my A mom about this? My dad has no problems talking about it, I dont see why it is so hard with my Mom. Sincerely, Kristin (ISO Birthmother (BD: May 6, 1985) Lower Bucks Hospital
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I can tell you why she's having a hard time with it. You're still referring to her as an A mom on this forum, and I guess I need to know if you're just typing that for clarification's sake or if that's how you view her. I look at it as having two moms, a birthmom and mom. I get all icky when I think of Mom as an "adoptive mom." She's just plain ol' mom. I don't need to differentiate between my birthmom and what I consider to be my "real" mom, the one who raised me. Kids used to ask in grade school, "So, you know who your real mom is?" And I'd be confused and respond, "Uh, yeah... she's at home with my brothers right now. Of course she adopted another one had seven of her own, so she's a professional mom, as pro as they come, and even though we're not on the best terms, she's still my mom and the only one I've ever had. The woman who gave birth to me will not be a mom unless we find each other. And even then, what's wrong with having two moms? Assuming she wants that two... So I suggest wrapping up your argument like that, and explaining to your mom that you already know who your real mom is, but you've got a burn.... it's not your fault. It's human nature to want to know from where you come. I think your mom will understand.
While I can't speak for Royalcav1024, I know many, myself included, that only use "adoptive parents, aparents, amom, adad" etc. on the forum to make it clear whom they are talking about. I NEVER use any of those phrases in real life. Also NEVER refer to myself as an "adoptee" in real life. It is "forum language", to me. My parents are simply my parents. In addition, I have "biological parents, bioDad, bioMom, bioHalf-siblings". I do use those phrases in real life as to me it shows a lifetime connection vs. a one time event as in "birth". It also differentiates the separate roles of all involved.
I kinda figured as much, and I'm kinda chagrinned for even posting that. Of COURSE we use those prefixes to differentiate between "which" mom we're talking about. But still: I can't imagine an "a-" mom not being able to get with her adopted child searching for his or her roots. My dad offered to help me on his brand new internet back in '92 or '93. I guess I'm just kinda spoiled like that.
No need to feel "chagrinned ", you made a valid point. Every situation is not the same either. I've seen adoptees post that they were introduced as the "adopted child"! I was appalled ~ my aparents NEVER would have done that! :eek: "I can't imagine an "a-" mom not being able to get with her adopted child searching for his or her roots. My dad offered to help me on his brand new internet back in '92 or '93." I'm with you here! I find it hard to believe that there are so many aparents that are so totally insecure with their relationship with their children. While my aparents and I had our differences over the years, same as any other family, bio or adopted, there was NEVER any question that I was their child and they were "My Parents". Also, my Dad suggested to me in 1990 that perhaps I should search to get updated medical information as I had a health problem. As none of us had computers at the time and I was unaware the agency would be helpful, I didn't know how to go about it. Plus, I always was of the belief that I would be intruding ~ that was how society portrayed it to adoptees during the time in which I came of age. I honestly believe that my parents would not have felt that searching for bioFamily would have threatened the very real relationship that existed my entire life. Unfortunately, they are both deceased ~ I miss them. :(
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My parents brought me up on adoption. Not only was it an easy way to explain the birds and bees, but I always knew that I was. Adopted, that is. I can't imagine Amy giving birth to this baby we're expecting and giving it away. I just can't fathom it. Maybe I never will be able to. One of the first books I ever learned how to read was a staple adoptee children's book about a happy couple who pined for a kid, ended up adopting one, and hapily ever blah blah. It had a green hardcover, was about 24, 30 pages long, and I seem to remember a swing hanging from a tree on the cover. I googled things I remembered about it, but didn't recognize any of the hits. Anyone have a CLUE what I'm talking about?
About 10 or more years ago I mentioned to my mom the possibility of looking for my bmom, and she freaked. she said I was trying to replace her, that I should only need one mom, that the bmom had no right to know me since she gave me up, etc. I recently found and met my bmom and some siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My parents are divorced and my dad (typically, i guess from reading this forum) is fine with the whole thing, but I haven't told my mom. If I had talked to her before and she told me not to look, I would have anyway. we get along ok, but I don't think she has the right to keep me from doing this. However, it will be very hard to keep this a secret for very long. I need to tell her soon. I thought I might approach her as if I hadn't actually done it yet, but then what if she freaks out again? then I'll feel like i need to keep up the secret. Any suggestions on what to do when you KNOW your mom is against the reunion? matt
Well, Its been a while since I updated this post. A lot has changed in the mean time. Clarification yes I only use A mom B mom for clarification sake in the forums. Update I found my birthmom actually only abour a month after I put up this thread. Things were rough for a while and a still a little rocky but my mom and I have been seeing a counsler together and have been working through it. I have met my birthmom and her whole family they are incredible people. My mom hasnt met Diane yet that will take some time before that can occur. But in the meantime my mom has been understanding my need to stay in touch with Diane and to spend time with her / my birthfamily who live around me. She lives in Florida whereas I am in PA. Thank you all for your advice and God bless.
It was very scary for me when my daughter's birthmom found her. Yes, I felt insecure and wondered what would happen. I wished my daughter would have talked with me and I wished I could have walked with her in her journey because it is mine too. I had many emotions and that is o.k. Just as you have emotions. I needed to work through them. Don't be afraid of your mom's emotions. She is big enough to work through them. My daughter feared my reactions so she went behind my back. It hurt me more than if we could have worked through this together. In the beginning I was very angry because I was soooo afraid. My daughter didn't want me to have any fears but that was asking me to be inhuman. As time past I was able to work through most of the pain. I never thought I would meet her birthparents but I did and I found I loved them also. I wanted to embrace them. It is a journey for us just as it is for you. My youngest daughter wants me to go with her in two years to find her birthmom. I feel honored and loved. I want to do that with her and for her. love4
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matthewkurz wrote..I thought I might approach her as if I hadn't actually done it yet, but then what if she freaks out again? Its all about control IMO.. My mom controlled me.. The society she lived in controlled her.. I give my baby up and the woman who adopts him.. Is controlled by her life.. I once heard a woman speak (amom) at an adoptee convention.. She said she learned the true meaning of love when her adopted daughter looked for and found her birth mom.. Maybe I found that true meaning when I let my son go the second time.. (after a reunion) We can't force people to love us.. We can't manipulate the reunion.. None of us can. We got to let it run its course.. Protecting your mom may not be a good thing for her.. Its all lessons.. Jackie
Matt, As you know, the news of your reunion will come out eventually. My suggestion, since it is going to be difficult for you and your a/mother, would be to write her a letter. In your letter you could let her know you have found and met your birthmother and family; reassure her of how you feel about her and tell her that you know she will feel hurt but that was never your intention; tell her why it is important to you that you know your origins; and explain what your hopes are for the future (ongoing r/ship with them?) so that she knows upfront what to expect (as opposed to thinking that maybe this is just a one-time meeting). I think it's also important to explain that reunion is nothing about adoptive parents, in fact its not even about adoption. It's about reconnecting something previously lost. That isn't to say that adoptive parents have no place in reunion, it just means that it's not about anything they did or did not do over the years. This way you are being totally honest and open about what is happening for you right now. She will then have a LOT to process, all the emotions you have already seen and MORE. You can't stop her from feeling whatever negative things she will feel but you have to allow her to work through it all from her perspective. Naturally you don't want to hurt her but this can't remain a secret so IMO you would do the right thing to deal with it. A letter would be easier for both of you and allow for time instead of things going into hysterics and arguing face to face initially. Hope this helps.
Pain and wondering was just as much mine as it was my daughters and her birthmom. I too wondered what her b/mom might be thinking on birthdays and holidays. Was she sad? Did she care? I didn't know. I too walked through malls wondering, "is that her?" I too felt a void. My daughter was mine but I also knew she had a b/mom. I felt scared all her life wondering if she found her would she still want me? I prayed for her b/mom a lot. I didn't want her to feel empty or sad. I watched my daughter struggle with anger since she was 8. I felt her emptiness and there was nothing I could do to fill that void. Her anger was lashed out at me. It hurt. I wanted to comfort but she wouldn't take it. She once thought that maybe Dolly Parton was her mom!! LOL. We laughed but inside she wondered. I hurt for her at family functions because she would look at her relatives and was facinated that everyone had similarities but her. Her birthmom found her and now she knows. All her questions answered. The journey is still mine. I still hurt because my daughter, her b/mom and dad walked off without me. I too have many emotions. The journey is not just yours. It's mine too. To tell me not to hurt is telling me not to be human. I have loved and feel I have lost. It's o.k. because I am big enough to work through my sorrow. This is only a piece of my life and I go on. I still love, I still care, I still enjoy life. My choice. love4
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A great book for amoms and adopted persons looking for birth family is "The Family of Adoption" by Joyce Maguire Pavao. She is adopted her self and a psychologist with a practice in the Boston area. She writes a very loving book that will help adoptive parents understand why their children have a need to search. It is not all about search/reasons etc. other very valuable information about adoptive families. In my case, by daughter's adoptive parents are in their 70's and were amazingly supportive of her reunion. I attribute this to their unconditional love for her. Her mom did tell me she had some reservations early on in the reunion but hid them from her daughter as she did not want to interfere with what she felt was her daughter's human right. She said when she adopted my daughter in the 60's she knew in her heart her daughter had a mother already and knew that I was placing most likely because she did not have a father. Now remind you this was the 60'single parenthood was not accepted. She said it it took her many years to come to terms with this and being a religious person, she feels that the circle is now complete. My daughter's mother is truly an amazing woman and I have found this to be simply a most wonderful part of reunion with my daugtr...finding she had such loving parents.
I too met my daughter's birthparents and loved them both. I spent a few hours talking, sharing and loving our daughter. I embraced them and wanted them to be a part of me too! I invited them to dinner. The three of them are together without me. I have no problem with reunion. I wanted my daughter to have her questions answered. It was o.k. to have a relationship with them. I wanted it too. Like I said earlier. My yougest wants me to go with her to find her birthparents and I glady accept the offer. I have reached out in love. I was hurt but I reach out again because I LOVE my daughters and understand their need for reunion. It's o.k. I would never deny them their right. love4