Effect on Biological Children

My children were 3 and 5 when we began fostering 14 years ago. The first children placed with us were 2 and 4 and WE WERE ALL OVERWHELMED! They stayed only a short time, and my 3 and 5 year old were extremely relieved when they left. After that, we stuck to children a couple of years younger then our children (so it was babies at first, gradually the age children we took got older as our kids grew up). It has been a wonderful experience for our children. They are 18 and 16 now, and we also have an adopted 10 year old. My teens say they were always so proud to be part of a foster family, and loved showing off the younger children. Each feels confident they will be good parents themselves due to the nurturing they have given younger children over the years. In my experience, the only problems I have had over the years was when a child was placed who was too close in age to my children. I do believe it is important to keep the birth order intact, particularly when your children are young. Best wishes to you -fostering is the most rewarding experience, and I marvel that I have been blessed to have known so many wonderful children in my life. Good luck!

We have birth children who are currently 8 and 5. We began fostering before our oldest was born. As our birth children have grown, we have adjusted the ages of the children we are able to accept. Fore awhile after the births of each of our children, of course, we didn't accept any placements. What we have found, like many others who've responded, is that if you keep the placements younger than your youngest, it usually works much better. Definitely would suggest NEVER taking one who is older than your oldest--that really created problems for us. Our youngest has had a very hard time w/ the boy we have now who is 4. They are so close in age. But, after 3 1/2 mos, it is MUCH better. We have had lots of discussions with him and it helps him to know that our love for him doesn't change or lessen just because there are more children here. It would be ideal if the children we accepted were at least 2-3 years younger than our youngest birth son, but that's not how it happened. I think fostering is helping my children become more aware of others who may not be as blessed as our family has been. They both are very saddened when they realize some of the things that have happened to our foster children. By the way--my oldest birth son--now he would be happy if we had 100 children, regardless of their ages. I'm sure it all depends on the personality of your children how they will ultimately deal with it. The bottom line that I have come to believe is that regardless of how my children feel about what we as a family are doing, I have to do what I feel the Lord calling me to do. He will take care of my children and any other "issues" if I am obedient to Him.

I have been off line for a while and just read this tread. I can comment on this issue from both ends. Growing up both my grandmother and my mom were foster parents. My grandmother usually had teenagers and my mom mostly took younger kids. I was about 6 when my mom started fostering and we had little babies all the way up to my age all the time. I loved it and I know that it made me a better person and thankful for the things that we had. My grandmother started fostering long before I was born and one of my uncle's and one of my aunt's are adopted. They are only slightly older than me. Now to my adult life. We became foster parents 21 months ago and our son was 10 months old. We have had children from 1 day old to 14 y/o. My son of course is now 2 1/2 and he loves having the kids around and still asks about the children that have left. He is a compassionate, although hard headed, for other children. He has seen how these children show up, with no clothes or shoes, and he will bring them his toys to play with and clothes to wear. Although of course after they are there a few days sharing is out of the question:) LOL So as so many have said, I have had to call and have children removed for behavior that I felt treatened my son, or any other children in the home. It also seems that the birth order thing is right for some and doesn't bother others.

leastof these, I just read your response! We should get our kids together, my 7 year old wants between 100 and 400 kids! LOL!

This is a super thread! Our fboys have been here for 6 or 7 weeks now. Cole has had a really hard time with the oldest. I think both of their personalities are intense and so they clash. We are initiating counseling for the fboys and I think I am going to take Cole at the same time. He has always been very intense and I think it will do him good. We are having fewer conflicts as the weeks go by, but he still gets really aggrivated by R.'s behavior. While we were taking classes and getting ready, our children were so excited and supportive. They made plans for the boys and bought them gifts. It was so sweet. However, the reality has been more stressful than any of us imagined. My teens are still doing great with the boys but I can tell the get annoyed at times. We were very careful to protect the birth order. We felt this was important for our children's safety. We were also blunt about the fact that we wanted basic children who would not be acting out sexually. Of course, some of those behaviors do not come out until months into care, but they did not place kids with us straight out of the home. The boys had lived in another home for 6 months before coming to live with us so we pretty much knew about their behaviors before they came. Fostering is harder than we anticipated and more rewarding than I had imagined. I love these kids and I am so glad I get to take care of them. This is His plan for us and we will continue to care for kids.

hi i am from ireland.... i am doing my thesis for my degree in socila studies in ireland and my topic is on the support networks available to bilogical children of foster parents. i would really love to hear form you all. if you would like to help me on this i would appreciate if you could contact me at sandy@rymus.net thankyou so much

I have a five year old son and now have three foster children ages six, three and a four month old baby. On the positive side, my son has had a great time having little friends to play with and is sharing very well. He loves having the new siblings. On the negative side, you don't often recognize the stress placed on children in this kind of situation. We've noticed that although my son has only positive things to say about his foster sister who is six, he is also being subjected to alot more stimulation and never gets a chance to relax. She has been very bossy and never leaves him alone. He is too young to realize when she is trying to manipulate him. I think that until you really know your foster kids, you need to be very attentive and alert to what is really happening. I often peaked around the corner or looked out the window, only to find that my "darling" foster daughter was really intimidating my son and my foster son. Even the most secure and loving home isn't always enough to change poor behavior of the foster children, although I keep trying. Also, I agree with the post about the stress the biological child feels concering the parents leaving them just like the foster children's parents did. It really takes alot of effort and although it may look like they are all having fun playing, there may be other things going on behind your back. It can be a very positive experience, just stay alert.

Will be reading this thread through! But, I just wanted to say that I have a 2.5 year old biodaughter & am beginning certification to foster ... to "transition" us both as best I can I'm starting small with the Fresh Air Fund where we'll have a kid visit for only a couple weeks in the summer, then I believe we'll start with the Bridges program, eventually moving on to more traditional fostering ... & maybe one day I'll adopt? Can't predict anything with a whole lot of certainty, but I hope that the shorter visits less often to start out will help my little one understand kids coming & going -- my own hope is that it has no worse & possibly even a better effect on her considering that she has 2 older half-siblings that she rarely ever gets to see, but who live down the street & are in the school she'll attend. Of course I'm also hoping their mom will let the kids have a relationship of some kind as they grow! I can only hope....

We always wanted to begin foster/adopt program in our area. We went to the initial orientation and we were told that the classes would begin at a church in our community. Then we sat down to explain what we wanted to do with our 4 bio sons. Unfortunately, they had a lot of problems with this. At the time, they ranged in age from 14 to 6. They all had a lot of concerns and asked why we couldn't simply adopt a baby girl (they wanted a baby sister). I told them that I would go to the first class to gain some more information and that we should, as a family, pray about and do some serious thinking. Well, needless to say, after the first class, we became a little bit concerned. In our area, the three agencies that placed, along with DSS told us that 98% of the kids they placed had severe emotional or physical problems and that the youngest children available to foster/adopt were 7. We also knew that our oldest did NOT want a child placed that was older than him. We were given sample situations that had occurred and we were told to look over the lists and see if there were situaitons that we could deal with. There were a lot of things that concerned us and we realized that, for right now, this may not be ideal for us until our youngest is older. We did complete our homestudy with a local agency for a domestic adoption and are officially waiting to be placed with a baby girl. I want to say how much I admire those of you who foster/adopt even with having your own kids! You are such blessings to so many children and your strength, courage, love and committments are wonderful! My hat goes off to you. God bless you and your families! kllee

We started out just planning for foster-to-adopt. Our son was 5 when we first started discussing, & he loved the idea from the start. We browsed pictures & profiles with birth-order in the forefront of our minds. One day (after our son had looked over many, many pics with us), he abruptly said that he wouldn't mind having an older sister[s], but not an older brother. Good enough. We were matched with 2 lovely girls who are older than him, & he loves him already! (We took him out of school for a week to go with us for our initial visit in their state. We felt it was VERY important to include him.) In the meantime, we were doing respite & had A (girl, age 9) & J (boy, age 10 -- almost 11) come to our home several different times. When A & J needed a placement, they begged to come here. We hadn't intended to foster yet, with the impending adoption & all, but we (1) already knew & cared for these 2 & (2) just couldn't say no to them. So, our son, R, has ended up with an older [foster] brother after all. Luckily, R knew these 2 ahead of time, so the adjustment wasn't as difficult. Also, we make our rules on a maturity-based level, rather than age-based. We explain this thoroughly to the kids, so they all work to be "mature" & earn privleges accordingly. Sure, R has been stressed at times, & we've seen some attitude from him that he hadn't normally displayed; but overall, we really think it's been good for him. He's attached to both our foster children AND our soon-to-be foster children. I think that if A & J are sent elsewhere (not likely to be reunited), R will be traumatized, but I think that he will grow from having known these two. As an only child, our son had a hard time with playground politics, but he's finally getting the hang of it. Also, it was like pulling teeth to try to get him to learn new things (like riding a bike), but now, he's perfectly thrilled to learn what the other kids already know. I swear that R was born with a great deal of compassion & love. Now, we're just adding a healthy dose of competitiveness, the value of a "team," & a larger support system. I don't expect that he will come away from this experience totally unscathed, but I do expect that he will be a better man because of it.

thank you all so much for your insights as i am now officially beginning the process of either fostering or adopting- we have our orientation tonight. my 4 yr old is diagnosed as educationally delayed and attends a special ed preschool so fortunately i do have experience with special needs children. my 4 yr old is so compassionate that he spent as much time as possible with my best friend when she was pregnant and he absolutely adores her now 8 month old daughter. his best friend is also a girl and is only 6 months older than him. however they fight alot. my little sister is 10 and he gets along great with him. i am in a position where i could take children younger than him or at least a year or two older than him.