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What difficult decisions! Our bdaughter is eight and we are trying to prepare her for the addition of three new sisters. After leaving a group home where we were house parents when she was three, we struggled with whether to become foster parents. We finally decided that long-term fostering/adoption was the best option for our family. She had such a difficult time when we left the group home (you could not convince her that those kids were not her brothers and sisters!), she trully grieved their loss in her daily life, that we decided not to put her through those types of transitions again. At the beginning of our current situation, we involved her as much as possible in the decision making process. We continually asked her how she was feeling/what she thought about them coming. For the past month she's been bringing it up on her own in everyday situations. For example, when hanging up her bath towel she commented that is the girls come, we'll need to get more towels.
The girls that we are preparing to foster then adopt won't meet our dd or even see our home until they are actually here (interstate). Preparing them all in the absence of meeting one another is difficult. Fortunately, my husband and I have met them. DD had lots of questions about their personalities. We have put some of their potential issues into language she can understand and asked her how she would deal with different situations. She's come up with some great ideas and I think the reality of some of the changes is sinking in. At first she had overidealized everything (wanted to put three more beds in her room, etc.). While none of us will know how it will all work out, we are beginning to feel prepared. Of course, we might just be naive.
One thing to prepare for are the questions about why the kids aren't with their mommy and daddy. This was one of the first things she asked as a very young child. Our explanation was that their parents loved them, but were unable to take care of them the way they needed right now. We've had many conversations over the years and dd has a very clear understanding of what every child needs and deserves to grow up healthy, as well as a clear grasp of the difference between needs and wants.
With older children you should also prepare for their concerns about their own security. DD needed to hear that she would never leave our home and that we would never make choices in our lives that would put her at jeopardy. This was repeated in all kinds of language all the time, in addition to when she indicates she needs to hear it. At this point, she has no doubts.
Now that five years have pasted and we have a little perspective, we see how dd's early experiences helped shape her personality. She was exposed to alot of behaviors that most three year olds don't see. But, she loved those kids despite the problems and has developed great compassion and empathy. Recently, she was telling me about one of her friends annoying behaviors then added, "He is a really good artist and has great ideas, so when he's acting like that I find something else to do. Even when he acts crazy, he's still my friend." I was pleased that she demonstrated an understanding that we all have strengths and weaknesses, good and bad behaviors and that's okay. Hopefully, when she struggles with her own identity, she'll be as forgiving of herself.
Now that I've completed my book!!, I will say I think it depends on your children's personalities, but with good communication with your child you can really create a positive outcome for them.
Good luck on your decision. - Cobb