Advertisements
RELATIONSHIP STAGES AFTER REUNION (Author Unknown) Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion. HONEYMOON STAGE: Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each others life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts. Preoccupation with other party Minor negotiations about relationship, ie. What to call birth parent Some uncertainty about place or role in otherҒs life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members TIME OUT STAGE: One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experience Parties may seek professional help to resolve situation SHOWDOWN STAGE: Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents DISENGAGEMENT STAGE: Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great SOLIDIFYING STAGE: Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge Email: California Website: Other great websites to check out: [url]http://www.adoptionchat.com[/url] [url]http://www.adoptionlists.com[/url] [url]http://www.adoption.com[/url] [url]http://www.adopting.org[/url] [url]http://registry.adoption.com/[/url]
Like
Share
identicaltwins
I understand that there are different personalities within a reunion that may or may not be compatible. But here are my 14 cents (inflation)... It is my opinion that there are many emotions that are "concentrated" during the reunion process. Both on the bmom side and the adoptee side. I feel that it is still my job as the mom in the relationship to act as the adult as Belonging said in her post. I know that during a child's growth stages, it is perfectly normal for them to lash out at their mothers. At two years old, at ten years old, as teenagers and yes, even as adults. Well, during this crazy reunion process, it would be totally fair and expected for the "child" to lash out at their mothers now. They are testing boundaries, feeling anger, and expressing feelings. It is my job as the "adult" mother to be strong and continue to offer unconditional love. I didn't go into my reunion with the expectations of only seeing the sunshine and roses side of my child. We all want a "normal" relationship after a time, well, we are getting a concentrated dose of emotions that would have been dealt us over 20, 30 or 40 years. It is my job to be the strong one, to offer nothing but love and have no expectations of being "owed" anything from my child.If anyone "owes" anybody anything, it is me that "owes" my child even more love. Although we as bmoms have loved from a distance for 20, 30, 40 years, our children have never felt that. It is now that we can express all that bottled love. And with that we also have to be patient and strong. It is not about me, it is about my "child". Being unselfish and offering nothing but consistency and love, which is the gift that I can continue to offer.
Advertisements
I truly appreciate your perspective Murphy...that helps me understand things better. I can't even imagine what my daughter is going through but it's almost like her and her husband ganged up on me...and left me holding the bag of raw emotions. Almost like the borderline personality conundrum: I hate you don't leave me...mixed signals. Yes she feels overwhelmed but so do I...and I feel a person who would want to get to know their birth parent would show more mercy towards them. I think that it makes her feel safe if Im the bad one.
ULTREA
Yes thank you for some very good points there. I don't have any other children so I feel very sensitive about being lashed out at. Concentrated emotions.. yes definitely. Also I have noticed that my daughter acts as if I "owe" her something but I couldn't put my finger on what it was because I have given her all the information I could - perhaps it is the unconditional love you mention. I'm just not really sure how to hold that space when she is dismissive and hurts me. I then think that perhaps she has found out the information she wanted and doesn't want to be in contact really but doesn't like to say so. If I ask her she would think I was asking because I want out of the situation? I'm sure she has issues but she is too proud to talk to me about them so we can work through it. I just don't know how to communicate with her. We are just sending polite emails at the moment every few months or so, I hope you are well etc. She often seems to be in conflict with others and is involved in dramas in her life so that is another reason why I have backed away. I'm wary of getting involved at this stage in her life.
Thank you Identicaltwins.. that would be fantastic if we can assist each other.. although you sound better at this than me! Would it be possible to email each other? My email address is ultreya1@hotmail.com.
Hi Identical...I wanted to add my email to and contribute to encouraging one another. hebertsgraphicdesign@gmail.com.I have to say that I do agree with your point about someone having to be the adult and mom. But that's the issue...what if the daughter doesn't want to acknowledge you as mom? I think what has happened is Im still dealing with the Pandora's box that opened. The confusion I deal with is the mixed messages my daughter gave me. We found out we had a lot in common but something happened over Thanksgiving when she went to meet her brother for the first time. I have three children and she was the only one that was adopted out. Something tells me that the underlying hurt came up that she was adopted out and they weren't. That's my guess. But at any rate...she basically shunned me after that and even wrote some insulting things. It can be difficult dealing with this after 28 years of silence. She had been looking for me since she was 10. And as I told Ultrea...Im having a feeling it was more about getting information than really wanting a relationship. I think she thinks it's too much pressure to have two moms. And on top of that I don't really know what else she wants from me because I've been loving to her and it backfired. So...I recently decided that I'm going to surrender the whole issue to God. It's for my own sanity. I was better off emotionally before she contacted me. Who likes being mistreated? That's no way to break the ice after 28 years. It's sad how dysfunctional this whole thing can be. She claims to be a Christian but I reminded her that forgiveness is job one in any relationship.
Advertisements
Hi Identical...I wanted to add my email to and contribute to encouraging one another. hebertsgraphicdesign@gmail.com.I have to say that I do agree with your point about someone having to be the adult and mom. But that's the issue...what if the daughter doesn't want to acknowledge you as mom? I think what has happened is Im still dealing with the Pandora's box that opened. The confusion I deal with is the mixed messages my daughter gave me. We found out we had a lot in common but something happened over Thanksgiving when she went to meet her brother for the first time. I have three children and she was the only one that was adopted out. Something tells me that the underlying hurt came up that she was adopted out and they weren't. That's my guess. But at any rate...she basically shunned me after that and even wrote some insulting things. It can be difficult dealing with this after 28 years of silence. She had been looking for me since she was 10. And as I told Ultrea...Im having a feeling it was more about getting information than really wanting a relationship. I think she thinks it's too much pressure to have two moms. And on top of that I don't really know what else she wants from me because I've been loving to her and it backfired. So...I recently decided that I'm going to surrender the whole issue to God. It's for my own sanity. I was better off emotionally before she contacted me. Who likes being mistreated? That's no way to break the ice after 28 years. It's sad how dysfunctional this whole thing can be. She claims to be a Christian but I reminded her that forgiveness is job one in any relationship.
robinhelene
We found out we had a lot in common but something happened over Thanksgiving when she went to meet her brother for the first time. I have three children and she was the only one that was adopted out. Something tells me that the underlying hurt came up that she was adopted out and they weren't. That's my guess. But at any rate...she basically shunned me after that and even wrote some insulting things. It can be difficult dealing with this after 28 years of silence. She had been looking for me since she was 10. And as I told Ultrea...Im having a feeling it was more about getting information than really wanting a relationship. I think she thinks it's too much pressure to have two moms. And on top of that I don't really know what else she wants from me because I've been loving to her and it backfired. So...I recently decided that I'm going to surrender the whole issue to God. It's for my own sanity. I was better off emotionally before she contacted me. Who likes being mistreated? That's no way to break the ice after 28 years. It's sad how dysfunctional this whole thing can be.
robinhelene
She claims to be a Christian but I reminded her that forgiveness is job one in any relationship.
JavaMonkey has provided good insight! In particular when he wrote "If you want the relationship, you will let that slide while she processes everything. Not forever, but for now." I couldn't agree with this more! RobinHelene...I, like your daughter, also have a full sibling that my bmom kept and raised (a brother). In fact, he is only 18 months younger...so if you do the math, he was conceived a short nine months after my bmom relinquished me. Our mother never married our father so it was/is something I still struggle with (why was I given up and he was kept). Have you ever read the book Primal Wound? It is an emotional read (for bparents as well as adoptees) but very helpful in understanding what feelings a lot of adoptees have as they process their relinquishment and reunion. In the book, the author makes reference to two types of adoptees. The "conformer" type of adoptee that goes along with what others need and expect from them (for the good of others) without rebelling and then the "acting out" type of adoptee that does just that...."acts out" to express their pain and emotions. Usually both types of adoptees struggle with the same issues but react to those issues in totally different ways. I am the "conformer" type of adoptee and in early reunion, I never expressed my anger, confusion, disappointment because I was too afraid to loose the new relationships. What I found was that I still had all those feelings but I just buried and disguised them to please others. I found out, however, that is just a temporary fix. It finally got to the point (after many years) I could no longer hold it all in and it all came spilling out. I actually think it's heathier to have real emotions and reactions to the pain from the "get go" but as bmoms...you need to not allow evidence of her pain to scare you away. In my opinion the best thing you could do is acknowledge her pain and "be there" for her while she works through it. Like JavaMonkey said in the previous post "It really isn't about your emotional state right now." I suspect that if you do as you posted... "I recently decided that I'm going to surrender the whole issue to God. It's for my own sanity." ...your daughter will view this as a second abandonment.
I am very open to using this sites PM feature. It is the most convenient for sharing ideas back and forth that we may or may not want to post publicly. Ultrea, I sent you a PM. RobinHelene give me a shout out. I am always open to talk and share. It helps all of us! And yeah, sometimes you just don't want it "out there" on the big old internet. Private Messages are great for getting to know one another and to share at a more personal level. We are all in this together. Not a club I would go out of my way to join, but for reasons unknown to me, this is the path my life has taken. So we need to prop each other up, and stumble along together.
Advertisements
Belonging
JavaMonkey has provided good insight! In particular when he wrote "If you want the relationship, you will let that slide while she processes everything. Not forever, but for now." I couldn't agree with this more! RobinHelene...I, like your daughter, also have a full sibling that my bmom kept and raised (a brother). In fact, he is only 18 months younger...so if you do the math, he was conceived a short nine months after my bmom relinquished me. Our mother never married our father so it was/is something I still struggle with (why was I given up and he was kept). Have you ever read the book Primal Wound? It is an emotional read (for bparents as well as adoptees) but very helpful in understanding what feelings a lot of adoptees have as they process their relinquishment and reunion. In the book, the author makes reference to two types of adoptees. The "conformer" type of adoptee that goes along with what others need and expect from them (for the good of others) without rebelling and then the "acting out" type of adoptee that does just that...."acts out" to express their pain and emotions. Usually both types of adoptees struggle with the same issues but react to those issues in totally different ways. I am the "conformer" type of adoptee and in early reunion, I never expressed my anger, confusion, disappointment because I was too afraid to loose the new relationships. What I found was that I still had all those feelings but I just buried and disguised them to please others. I found out, however, that is just a temporary fix. It finally got to the point (after many years) I could no longer hold it all in and it all came spilling out. I actually think it's heathier to have real emotions and reactions to the pain from the "get go" but as bmoms...you need to not allow evidence of her pain to scare you away. In my opinion the best thing you could do is acknowledge her pain and "be there" for her while she works through it. Like JavaMonkey said in the previous post "It really isn't about your emotional state right now." I suspect that if you do as you posted... "I recently decided that I'm going to surrender the whole issue to God. It's for my own sanity." ...your daughter will view this as a second abandonment.
Belonging, thanks for telling me what you dealt with...its true, I think she was at first conforming and then it all just exploded. I am trying to understand it all. Thanks for your help! I'm sending her a birthday gift. I also sent her an email recently about how I wanted to just love her and support her...I'm trying to work it out...now its up to her too...I guess I have to be patient!!!
Advertisements
I wanted nothing more than to be loved by my biofather but instead I was met with distane and cruelty and judgement. I am now in a healing process and learning to value myself,and I know I will think of him for the rest of my life,I just hope that with time his rejection and lack of dedication and communication will no longer haunt my thoughts.Right now it remains a daily battle.