~Relationship Stages After a Reunion

How do you deal with reunion when you have moved near them and you want to spend time with them? You try to be mindful that they have their lives and you try to build yours while trying to be a part of theirs and wanting them to be a part of yours?

To birthmothers or adult adoptees out there, can you help with any insights? After receiving a nasty email from my birth daughter I am now wary of being in contact with her. I will keep the story as short as I can - around 8 months ago I met my adult daughter who was adopted at birth. We had been corresponding for about 2 years before she decided she wanted to meet me. She has also met my parents. I have no partner or other children. After a warm reunion we got to know each other by meeting for dinner or lunch about 6 times, she then set off overseas for 4 months. This trip included stopping off to meet her birthfather. I found him for her and I knew she had got in touch with him but I was surprised when she told me that she had stayed with him in his home for a week. She did not tell me she was going to stay with him, so now he has actually spent more time with her than I have. While she was away she wanted us to stay in touch on Skype and we did speak once, mostly about her visit with the birthfather and his side of the story which I found uncomfortable. Then after week 1 when I went online she was often online but didnt acknowledge me or suddenly went off line. If I said hello and asked if she could chat she said she was busy, maybe another time. Then she sent me emails saying that she would like to catch up the next time we were on Skype and the cycle would start again. After a few months of this, I did get pushy one day and said our relationship was important and I felt shut out. She responded with an angry email full of character attacks and citing things that I had said or done which caused her to feel obligated, most of which were misunderstandings. I did respond explaining the misunderstandings and standing up for myself (as I felt she was putting me down) and she did send an email of apology weeks later for her anger however, I now feel as if I canҒt trust her. My birth daughter is due back from overseas soon and although she has recently sent a nice message signed off With Love - as I dont know her very well IҒm worried that she may have more hurt in store for me. Her adoptive mother was supportive initially but has struggled with the reunion and only recently suggested that we meet. I have just started researching the issues adoptees have and I have found it a bit overwhelming. I did notice that my birth daughter was prone to fits of temper on a few occasions when we met, just over little things and she seems to be in conflict with various people in her life.

Hi folks. On September 28 of this year, after 28 years, my daughter found me through her husband who actually had a dream about how to contact me. That was a miracle in itself. Yes, we went through the honeymoon stage. It was wonderful. We found out that we had so much in common. She is like a mini me in so many ways. I even found out that I am a grandmother. Now the very hard part..we are in the separation stage where her and her husband wrote some really awful emails and totally misunderstood where I was coming from. This all came to a head Thanksgiving when she was invited to my son's house. Out of my three kids, she is the only one I adopted out. My life got together after she was born. Long story. She and I are both into technology so I asked her if we could Facetime at my son's house who lives far from me. She lives closer to him..which is another miracle. Anyway, she didnt say anything bad about it...but when the time came, I sat by the computer and NOTHING happened...they never contacted me. I was so heartbroken because I wanted to see the whole family. It seems like its always about her feelings but I'm not allowed to have any. She also makes me out to be a monster that I'm controlling, pushy...when all I've done is be loving to her...want the best for her and enjoy chatting with her through texting...we both agree that we dont like talking on the phone. She turns the tables on me...its like it comes out of nowhere that I'm the bad one. I sent my granddaughter a gift and it took her forever to acknowledge it. It's like I dont know how to deal with this. And if we do reunite...(she said she wants some time)...I dont know if I want to. I love her (and I told her that)...she said...bull..... I dont like being mistreated....I could have said I didnt want to reunite...but I didnt. I was happy to have her in my life. She had a great family and she's grateful for that...its like: what did I do?

Oh I understand it all too well. I guess what we both need to do is take it slow, one day at a time. It's like, how do we act, how can we be ourselves without being judged and misunderstood...it's painful, I know. I pray we find the answer we are looking for.

Hi Robin.. Sounds a very familiar scenario to me, so you are not alone! I don’t have other children so at least I only had my daughter to deal with.. how unfair of her husband to write nasty emails as well – it should be none of his business and are you sure you believe the dream story? He could be trying to be her hero for his own benefit. It is easy enough to find people with the internet these days. Did you say that she was with your son at his house and they didn’t Facetime you? I would have a word with your son if I were you. It is not recommended that other family members meet her before you do and it is not good manners in my opinion. It is now Nov and I wrote my post in Aug so a few more things have happened and I am in a different space now - seeing things clearly rather than with rose coloured glasses or through my hurt so perhaps I can assist you. I note that you only made contact a few months ago in Sept and already she has turned on you? Please don't think you have done something wrong. You have other children and naturally you want to be able to treat her the same way and be as close to her as your other children. That is a very difficult thing to happen realistically as she would feel that she was the one “given away”. It does not matter what the reason was - in her mind while she was growing up she was the one who felt rejected on a deep level, perhaps without even realising it. Now it is your turn - this is a physiological thing really and she may not even be aware of it. Even if you weren’t pushy or anything of the sort she would find fault in something you said or did order to “punish” you. It does sound as if things moved very quickly though. Things started to go array between my daughter and me when I started giving her advice and getting too involved in her life. Making you feel as if you have done something wrong.. yes.. you see if there is something “bad or wrong” with you then it validates her adoption – then there is nothing bad or wrong with her – it’s you… do you see what I mean? There could also be aspects of the adoptive family coming through – they often become very threatened especially if grandchildren are involved as well. What seems to happen is that everyone thinks reunion will be a great experience and when it actually happens the can of worms is opened and it is THEN everyone starts feeling uncomfortable and “acting out” scenarios, misunderstandings, lashing out etc which they normally wouldn’t do. I think it is part of the healing process which may take years. My advice is enjoy your children who are in contact with you Robin, let your adopted daughter go for the moment because this time it is on her terms and not yours. Hopefully, through this process the healing will continue and in time you may have a relationship with her. Don’t forget she found you and wanted to be in contact. Do not be a doormat to her by continuing to be available for her to take things out on and if they continue with the nasty emails tell them so – otherwise she will not respect you at all and every relationship must have mutual respect. Remember, although she feels familiar you don’t know her or her family and YOU may decide not to be in contact in the future. I found it helpful talking to a specialised adoption councillor, as friends often don’t really know what to say unless they have gone through it themselves. If you would like to post me about anything anytime please feel free. Take care Robin, and do your best to be happy in living your life in the present with the hope of finding resolution with your daughter in the future.

OMG Ultrea....everything, I mean everything made sense. Yes it was true about the dream. I know what you mean but he's a spiritual person and it was a miracle...truly...and that I think is wonderful. You might find it humorous that my husband had a dream about me before we met. All these men dreaming of me ROFL. Anyway yeah I know, I refuse to be a doormat. After reading about all the stages of grief the basic stages of the adoption that people go through I totally understood where they were coming from. I thought in my mind all things would go smoothly. I didnt know she was having such emotional torment about it. She's a very tender hearted person and I think in her mind, she didnt want to be turning on her adopted mom either. Yeah her husband might have said some choice things. But we parted on a good note...she basically said she needed time! And that's fine with me. I wrote an email called the Magna Carta of birthmothers...making a pledge to not interfere, a pledge to love from afar and wait as long as it takes to hear from her. But in my world its like dangling a jewel and then snatching it away...its like why make me suffer? Havent I suffered enough? Oh well...as I give it to God, I have peace. I really appreciate your input..I would love to chat with you if its possible. My email is hebertsgraphicdesign@gmail.com

My son invited her for Thanksgiving...it was just a loving gesture.

As an adult adoptee, I would like to reflect on my feelings about the more recent posts to this thread. One posting in particular included some "theories" about what someones adult daughter (that had been placed for adoption as an infant) MIGHT be feeling or reacting to. I was wondering if the bmom that wrote the post might be better off asking her daughter directly if that's how she is feeling rather than assuming. I guess I was also saddened to hear (what seemed to me to be) a lack of compassion from the bmom regarding what her adult daughter might be feeling or dealing with regarding their reunion and/or the adoption. There is often a lot of anger that must be worked through and processed but not necessarily feared. In fact...working through these issues together might actually increase the likelyhood of reunion success. Remember she IS your daughter despite the fact that you didn't parent her. I don't for a moment think that the bmom is not struggling as well, but in order for their relationship to even have a fighting chance to move forward...someone needs to be the adult in this reunion. I am probably going to take some slack for saying this but...I think the older of the two adults (the mom) should take the lead on this even if it was the adoptee that searched. Reunion is not an easy road but the knowledge and healing that can result from a healthy reunion can be literally life-changing for all those involved. I know as an adoptee...I CRAVED a nurturing feeling from my bmom when we reunited. You can spend the early days of contact keeping score of who contacted who or you can try to fully embrace this opportunity that's been given to the both of you. Best wishes going forward on your reunions.

Hi. Are you talking about my situation? Of course I want it to work out. This is all new to me. I was praying that someday we would find each other and we did. I don't understand fully what she is feeling but Im finding out a lot by reading. The thing is: communication is important and if either party is not being honest...what can you do? It doesn't help the bmom if the daughter acts as if everything is fine one minute and then acts the opposite the next. I'm 3000 miles from her. Our only communication is by text and email. Many times when we've shared pictures or stories...we've really enjoyed it. She told me how she wasn't ready to call me mom one time and then right after that she warmed up to me. It's like a schizo situation. I really don't know what to expect. Oh I'm willing to work through the process but how can you when you're always the bad one. Yes someone needs to be the adult but we are both adults and even if I wasn't her mom, she should still respect her elders regardless. She doesn't know me either and it leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth when a person lashes out at them when all they wanted to do was be loving to them.

Hi Robin.. thanks for your email address I have emailed you today - we can chat further via email. Hope you are having a good day!! xx

Thank you Belonging for your perspective. Everyone is different so there is no formula for making reunion work better, but I do know that it takes two people and whoever takes the lead someone has to follow. If as a birth mother you come up against hostility and withdrawal it makes it very difficult to move forward in the relationship. Different people's personalities come into it as well and some are not compatible. Best wishes to you and your reunion process.

Actually in thinking further Belonging, perhaps you can enlighten me on something if you don’t mind? I have read many posts from birth mothers and MANY adoptees have an MOD – which is what I experienced. Drawing bmom in warm and fuzzy - when bmum responds.. distancing themselves… playing games by not answering phones, emails going unanswered or not answered in a reasonable amount of time so bmum worries… being controlling about how you contact them i.e. wanting to catch up on skype then next time you call them on skype they are angry etc… lashing out by sending nasty emails when bmum approaches again… but are fine with bmum face to face and act as if there is nothing wrong. When bmum tries to talk about their relationship it is deflected. So.. if it feels like emotional manipulation and it acts like emotional manipulation then what is it? I understand there are things to work through in a mature way but why all the power game playing?

ULTREA,I don't think this is specific to adoptees. I believe either the adoptee or a b-parent can be guilty of the things you seem to want to pin exclusively on adoptees.However, since you are specifically asking about adoptees. One possibility is that your daughter is testing you. She may want to see if you leave her again. In all likelihood, this testing would be done unconsciously. Most of us know intellectually that our mothers did not abandon us, but there is still that child inside that feels abandoned. And, like a small child, some adoptees will test their b-parents to see if they are going to leave them. . . .That, of course, is just one among many possibilities. . . . Reunion is hard. It is not for the faint of heart. I hope things work out between you and your daughter.

One thing that struck me is one of the posters used the term "polite". I think "respecting your elders" was also used. It just dawned on me that the concept of etiquette in these relationships is expected or anticipated. I would hope that there would also be an unconditional understanding that there was an unequal state of control in these matters. Adopted people who find their birthparents had absolutely no control or choice in the matter in the beginning and truly the person searching is putting themselves in a very vulnerable situation again if it's the adopted person who initiated contact. Given that; it seems pretty logical to me that there should be a level of sensitivity regarding that fact. Having said all that I don't believe it's productive on any level to play games. It's not a game it's a life changing event to find a birthparent. Look at it this way. Someone makes a decision to change the relationships with your family out of the blue arbitrarily. Your nationality, heritage, extended family siblings all gone with no information available. Medical issues unsolved, no history nothing. Imagine all the things you take for granted gone. Never to be found because someone decided that it was the best thing for them and you. People won't tell you anything because the person who took all this away somehow is more important so there is this understanding that everyone will keep the whereabouts of these people secret and you are now considered intrusive for having the audacity to ask questions. The tacit agreement is you should be thankful or grateful for this decision being in your best interest at the time. So through some miracle you find all of this out. Would you have some anger? Would you feel some resentment? Would you be worried it might all be pulled away again? Can you see yourself being stable through all of this, confident and having the presence of mind through all of the emotion to be "polite" and to "respect your elders"? Really?

I understand your remark but putting aside the relationship....from one person to another there needs to be respect. Being an adoptee does not give you a free pass for: manipulation, insults, abuse, disrespect...no matter what you're feeling. No one deserves that treatment.