~Relationship Stages After a Reunion

JavaMonkey has provided good insight! In particular when he wrote "If you want the relationship, you will let that slide while she processes everything. Not forever, but for now." I couldn't agree with this more! RobinHelene...I, like your daughter, also have a full sibling that my bmom kept and raised (a brother). In fact, he is only 18 months younger...so if you do the math, he was conceived a short nine months after my bmom relinquished me. Our mother never married our father so it was/is something I still struggle with (why was I given up and he was kept). Have you ever read the book Primal Wound? It is an emotional read (for bparents as well as adoptees) but very helpful in understanding what feelings a lot of adoptees have as they process their relinquishment and reunion. In the book, the author makes reference to two types of adoptees. The "conformer" type of adoptee that goes along with what others need and expect from them (for the good of others) without rebelling and then the "acting out" type of adoptee that does just that...."acts out" to express their pain and emotions. Usually both types of adoptees struggle with the same issues but react to those issues in totally different ways. I am the "conformer" type of adoptee and in early reunion, I never expressed my anger, confusion, disappointment because I was too afraid to loose the new relationships. What I found was that I still had all those feelings but I just buried and disguised them to please others. I found out, however, that is just a temporary fix. It finally got to the point (after many years) I could no longer hold it all in and it all came spilling out. I actually think it's heathier to have real emotions and reactions to the pain from the "get go" but as bmoms...you need to not allow evidence of her pain to scare you away. In my opinion the best thing you could do is acknowledge her pain and "be there" for her while she works through it. Like JavaMonkey said in the previous post "It really isn't about your emotional state right now." I suspect that if you do as you posted... "I recently decided that I'm going to surrender the whole issue to God. It's for my own sanity." ...your daughter will view this as a second abandonment.