Fostering to adopt, dishonest???

I beg to differ. I have seen reunification efforts sabotaged by FPs. I live in KS and the FPs have a GREAT deal of input. They are the ones that hear what goes on visits, how a child behaves at visits, how the BP is when they pick up and drop off, some even testify in court. It is very easy to sabotage reunification efforts, fill the childs head, be hateful to the BP, make mountains of molehills etc. etc. There are also things to do to support reunification help the BP get resources, encourage the bond, help with visits, etc. It can go both ways!!!!!!!!!

>>>>>>>They are the ones that hear what goes on visits, how a child behaves at visits, how the BP is when they pick up and drop off, some even testify in court. It is very easy to sabotage reunification efforts, fill the childs head, be hateful to the BP, make mountains of molehills etc. etc. There are also things to do to support reunification help the BP get resources, encourage the bond, help with visits, etc. >>> Here we are required to provide documentation about what the child's behaviors are before, during, and after visitations. We have to tell the workers about any problems the child has in day care or school. We are not required nor encouraged to help the bp's get resources. There are homebuilders who do that. We are not involved with visits (most of the time). Fp's should not be filling the child's head with untruths, nor should the fp's be hateful to the bp's, but those things can not go against RU. RU in determined first by the DCFS workers, with input from the lawyers, and then by the judge. What kind of influence does the fp have in Kansas? Are you a fp or adoptive parent?

Leca im sorry to hear that. Here we also have nothing to do with visits. The cw are in charge and there when we drop of the kids. we just come by, chat a little with the bparents and leave, same with picking them up. I think leaving a foster parent responsable for the visits is a conflict of interest. Everybody raises their children diffrently. The bparent might be doing nothing wrong just differently then the foster parent does things and to some people that is a big deal and to them it is abuse or neglect. Some people believe in spanking and some dont. To some its abuse and to some it is not. Maybe they dont mean sabotage, maybe to the foster parents it is something seriouse and a big deal. Here we also have nothing to do with reunification that is the decision of the court, we just be supportive even if we dont agree. I know this has nothing to do with the conversation, but be careful helping too much the bparents. A lot of bparents depend on others too much. They need to learn to get their own jobs and their own rides. If they dont learn they might get back in position they were in the first place and their children back in foster care.

I am licensed to foster but have never and will not until my kids are grown and gone. We are not required to help the BP with resources etc but I know alot that do. We have a shortage of workers here and I know alot of FP's that arrange visits and meet BPs halfway or take the kids to the BPs house. This is not required but these are just very involved FP's. One lady I know even invits ** to all the kids ballgames. She has a great relationship with her. If the kids go home she knows she will still get to see them. But one of my friends wants to adopt the fosterkids at any cost and is constantly undermining mom and sabotaging reunification!

I have a great relationship with 2 of my foster kids' biomom. In fact, she has come and stayed with us numerous times during the last 8 months and even went on a weekend vacation to Colorado with us. She is a young mother who has never been shown what a loving, nurturing mother does. If I want what's best for my two foster kids then I feel I have a responsibility to do all I can to show her there is another way to parent than the way she herself was parented. They can't teach the day-to-day stuff in the parenting classes she was required to attend. I initiated the overnight visits to my home by asking the caseworkers if it would be in her best interest, work within her case plan and if they would ask her if she would feel comfortable coming here. It's worked out great for the kids...and the caseworkers have told me that the chances of their reunification being successful improve if there is a positive relationship between fp and bp. It goes without saying that every foster situation is unique and what works for one may not work for another. In fact, with the other 3 foster/adopt kids I have, I have never even met their biomom. Their situation has legal and safety issues that prevent this and I respect the courts decision on this. I believe and hope that it's true that most of us foster parents want only what is best for "our" kids.

After re-reading my post I just wanted to add that with my kids whose biomom comes and stays with us...I would adopt them in a millisecond!!!!!!! They are 2 wonderful little human beings! But despite (or maybe because of) my love for them I will do everything in my power to help make their life with their biomom as safe, loving and nurturing as possible.

Wow, long thread to digest at one sitting!! I'm still stuck on the infant thing...We only foster infants because that's what we're best at. I'm a mother/baby nurse and feel most comfortable taking on the youngest ones. It's not ALL fun and games either...there is the sleep deprivation, in some instances MONTHS of inconsolable crying, projectile vomiting that smells like Nutramigen (in case you've never experienced...it's bad), poop that squirts up the back, and they do have major fussy times after visits in many instances. Why do we do it? Certainly not to "steal" someone elses child. In fact we did not get into it to adopt at all. But here we are, on the way to adopting our 7 & 8th placements (sibs). It is INCREDIBLY sad for bp's and should the adoption go through and one or both of them stay forever they will always know how much they were loved by their bp's. The youngest is in concurrent planning so we are juggling 2 different goals...the oldest is adoption. Yes it's hard, but I have demanded that bp's get their fair time to work on reunifying. The thought of them being split is also difficult, but the oldest is becoming more and more a part of our family. Not meaning to ramble, but feeling a little defensive. Everyone seems to think that people that choose to foster infants have it so easy or are in it for the wrong motives. I'm also not trying to whine. We CHOSE to foster knowing how hard it would be, and it has been worth every moment. I can't imagine the challenges of fostering teens either. Each child in care needs the family willing to provide it....no matter how young or old they are. I just thank God there are families out there. I'm also not so naive to know that some families are in it for the wrong reason and I believe as advocates for children we must do what we can to notify those people that can investigate and do their job to weed them out.

I read through all of this and just couldn't help putting in my 2 cents worth. I am married to a wonderful man that I should have married 15 years ago (the first time he asked), but I didn't. I married someone else and have a 9 yo bio son. My ex was a drug addict and I have some health problems which led to 5 miscarriages over many years. When dh and I married, we wanted to have children together. I have since had 2 more miscarriages. We began discussing foster care or house parenting before we got married. It was something we thought we could do "someday." We began getting info on adoptions for infants and even for older children (closer to my son's age) and roadblocks went up everywhere. Some one we talked to suggested foster care again and we got info from the state. Everything went so smoothly and we both have had such a peace about fostering. We knew 15 years ago as teens working with the children's home that we wuld do this someday, I think. Yes, we still want to adopt, but now that is our "someday" dream. We can help so many children in our foster home. There are 10 times as many kids in care as there are homes in our county. I do help our bios. The cw we have now for our 6 mo fd has been strongly suggesting from the beginning that K will never go home. Her mom is young and was molested by a family member to produce K. The mom has cognitive delays and no parenting skills. She was in fc on and off for years. She was abused at home and in her foster home. The entire family has been in the system for more than 20 years. Not one family member has been found to be "suitable" in that time. BUT K is not our child. She is their child and I will do everything in my power to mentor to this mom. She loves K and may not ever be able to take care of her, but that is not my decision. It is the state of Alabama's decision. I have offered my services to the mom as I work with at risk youth every day. I am helping her now with her resume and interviewing skills and will help her set up interviews when she is ready. The cw keeps saying "I can't make her smarter." and I keep telling her that we can give her some of the skills she needs. I do go to visits and help C take care of K. I show her the proper way to feed and burp and how to change a diaper. I have talked to her about wipes and diaper rash and clothing and everything related to taking care of an infant. I send her pictures weekly and take pictures of her with K at the visits. I send her a written update each week of what K is doing now; what size clothes and diapers, how she is eating, etc.... K is medically fragile and I send reminders of dr's appointments every week (for the next month to 2 months) so they can arrange transportation. I do not transport bc the appointments are over an hour away in a city where I have family I like to visit when I am there. I am not one who can look at this beautiful girl in 15 years or 20 years and say "I wanted a baby so bad, I wouldn't even help your mom." I feel confident that we are doing everything in our power to assist this mom with becoming a good mom and a self sufficient mom. If she does her case plan and K goes home, then we will help another child and another and another. Also, we must be doing something right, bc this family has been involved in DHR for more than 20 years and has had some really good foster families and some really bad ones, but we are the first family that they have not complained about daily. They actually requested us for a child in their family who was going into custody (we couldn't take her bc of space). They do not have the lifestyle I would want for myself or my child, but K is not my child; she is theirs. If this case goes to TPR, yes we will adopt. I do not think that is dishonest or wrong of us. I do agree that there are foster parents who are in this to adopt that may sabotage ru. As a matter of fact, I talked to a friend about it and told her if I see any other attempts to sabotage, I will report her. There are also foster parents out there who do it for the money or for other sick reasons. But I don't think there are any of those parents on this board and I think everyone should stop trying to insult people who don't share the same point of view. People who are in it for strictly selfish or "wrong" reasons would not be coming to this board for support. Can't we just agree to disagree and move on to something else? Christy

By the way, we were only taking school age boys when we began. We now have a 6 mo medically fragile girl. I totally get the sleep deprivation thing!!!!!!!! Christy

Christy, I actually got misty eyed reading your post. I wish every birth family had the wonderful support this very lucky BF is getting from you. You are the kind of FP I will strive to be when my kids are grown and gone and I become a FP. By the way could you clone yourself and send about fifty of you to Kansas?

Leca, Don't get misty-eyed for me. I am human. I get angry at the system and at the bios who allowed my beautiful little fd to lose weight and put her in medical danger. BUT I do realize that it is because they did not know how to care for her. It is really hard for some bios to ask for help (heck, it's hard for me to ask for help sometimes), so I don't wait for them to ask. I just tell them everything that I do to take care of their daughter and do it in a way so they do not feel stupid or talked down to. They have told me they were always afraid she would be taken and that's part of why they didn't want to go to the dr or to mandatory appointments. They know the system!!! My dh said you do NOT want clones of me running around. I am way too bossy!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Thanks for the kindness, though) Christy

I have jaded feelings for the bios of my current fd. They are only interested in their "pharmacutecul business". The only time that they show interest is when we have a hearing. Then all of a sudden- Mom finds a "real" job and Dad moves out. So, the case drags on and my fd who is almost 3 now and been in care since she was 6 weeks, gets older. By the time this is over she will probably be past the cute baby stage. Can I help rehabilitate them? No. do I want to? No. Am I a bad foster parent because of that? No. That is not my job. I take my fd to all of her appointments, family visits and love her beyond words. My first and utmost concern is the baby. That is my job. I have meet them and quite frankly I am afraid of them and do not want to risk the safety of my family. Should the bios be tpr'd, you better believe that we are going to adopt her. Why should we not be considered first? Is it fair to her to be taken from the foster family that she has bonded with for 2+ yrs? I do believe that the system has to be tweeked. The biologicial parents get way to many chances. Whatever happened to the best interest of the child? Forget bios, foster, adoptive families, I am talking about the child.

I read this thread and saw so many important contributions. I have to agree with the last writer it is in the best interests of the child that foster or potential adoptive parents need to keep in mind. It is definitely not in the best interest of the child to have one caretaker undermine another. When people express here they can't take the loss or start whining about bad biological parents I think they have come to the right place. When they say I don't like whats happening and I don't want to talk to bmom and they say it here they are venting how they feel. When people support actions that are undermining the bioparent that I think is wrong. Regarding costs- many people have no insurance and many pay for insurance so that pregnancy isn't free and in fact it two years to pay for my first sons birth and that was because I had insurance I paid (you had to understand the hospitals payer mix I was told). People don't have problems putting 20 k out for a car or a house but not a baby. I think it is part philosophy (you shouldn't buy people),part where the money is going, and part if it actually gets you the child. I am not sure what is right with this but I guess if you really want a child you find the way. If that is private adoption vs. foster adopt you are choosing cost as well as risk. With foster-adopt some of the risks are losing the child and potential costs down the road.

Leca - one more thing and then I'm taking myself off of this board because the last thing I need to do is read about your feelings on fost - adopt. I came to this site for support in one of the most difficult times in my life (worse than when I was told I could not have children)! The Fost-adopt porogram is a very different entity than the Foster program. Fost-Adopt was CREATED to place children who had VERY LITTLE chance of returning home in homes where they might be adopted. The program was created because there were specific types of cases where children were taken from there homes, placed in foster homes and when reunification didn't work, they were then taken from a stable loving home and BOUNCED to an "adoptive home". Very confusing, if not terrifying for a young child or teen. Family Services is still able to recognize these situations and it is these children who get the gift of being placed in a fost-adopt home. I applaud foster parents and I applaud any parent who would choose adoption in the foster care system! By the way, yes, I was blessed with a newborn but if you look at my original chart I asked for ANY child younger than my youngest child! (8) So, to anyone reading this - take care of yourselves and your kids - you are doing the right thing by them.

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