Birth Grandparents Grief

Stephanie ~ First, let me say that my heart really goes out to you. When we brought our son home from the hospital...it was obvious the pain that his birth mother's parents were going through. Placement was the hardest day of my life and the most amazing. It is hard to watch someones heart break. We have an open adoption with our son's birthfamily (both bmoms and bdads)! I feel that this is a huge blessing in our lives and will be in our son's also! Our open adoption only works because everyone understands their rolls and their place in our son's life. We use first names only. In that I mean that our son will not know his birthmom as mommy M, etc. He will know her as M and that she is his bmom. The only one called mommy is me! This will keep the confusion out, hopefully! The same applies to M's parents and J (birth dad) and his family! If I were in Hailey's aparents shoes...I would have no problem with more contact and you asking me would never make me want to cut off contact. In my opinion, the worst they could say is that they want to keep things as they are. And then you would know! But it would make me cautious if M or J's parents told me that they just wanted to be grandparents. I can understand that desire but with our son...we have to keep his birthfamily and his forever family different so that he is not confused! I feel like I am rambling...am I making sense? I in no way want to offend you but I feel that it would be dishonest to sugar coat how I would feel! Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming visit! I so look forward to visiting with Tyce's birth family! I love them so much and I love watching them with Tyce! He is so lucky to have so many people who love him so much! Let us know how it goes and have fun!!!:love:

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate hearing from you, but I'm not sure I understand and I wonder if you could clarify why it would offend you for the child's grand parents to want to be grandparents? I don't want to sound like I'm questioning you, but I don't know how aparents think, because I have never been one. So it's difficult for me to understand. Any input you have would be great. Thanks so much God Bless Stephanie

My daughter's paternal biograndparents were a great source of support when we were going through the long process of bringing Her Sweetness safely into our forever family. We were happy to get to know them and we feel blessed to have them as part of our new family. My daughter will never know my mother, who died many years ago; and my father (who is actually Her Sweetness' great-grandfather) is an elderly man who lives on the other side of the country. My husband's parents are deceased also. My sister and her ex, who are the maternal biogrands, are not involved and likely never will be. So, we were thrilled to have the paternal biogrands step up and volunteer to continue in the role. Families are made in all different ways and today's climate of open adoption allows us to build the family group that best supports and provides for our child's needs. We wouldn't have it any other way. DeeCee

I am sorry that I wasn't clear...sometimes I ramble! I am in no way saying that I don't want Tyce's bgrandparents in his life...because I do. But although Tyce will know ALL his birth family as his birth family...and one day he will understand all that that means, they are taking on the roll as VERY close family friends, not grandma and grandpa and mom and dad! There is just more of a connection with them because of the fact that they were his first family! We are not trying to take that away from them...but they choose us to be Tyce's family and that includes giving the "grandparents" roll to mine and my DH's parents just like Tyce's birth parents gave the rolls of "mom and dad" to my husband and I. We can't have Tyce calling M and J's parents grandma and grandpa so and so and NOT calling M and J, mommy M and daddy J. Then Tyce wouldn't know who was his family and who was his birth family, and as he is growing up...we are just trying to take the confusion out of it. And for the record...M agrees with this explaination and wants to be called by her first name, same with her parents! I don't know if that clarified anything at all:sick: I guess it is more hard to explain on paper.

You explained it wonderfully, thank you very much for your help. It's hard because I don't know what to say to the aparents, I never want to offend them in any way, I am so grateful for them, they are wonderful people and I'm so glad they are her Mommy and Daddy. Being my first and only grandchild, I only had one son, no daughters, I would just love to be more of a part of her life.

I don't know about your bgranddaughter's parents, but my husband and I DO want Tyce's birth grandparents to be a part of his life. It is obvious that they love him and he can only benefit from that love! My advise to you is just be their friend! I can talk to Tyce's birth grandparents as friends and I know that they are grateful that we are Tyce's parents! Just be honest with them that you would love more contact if they are okay with it! Good luck!

I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful little girl. Our daughter's bmom is still young and doing her own thing, we see each other once a year to celeabrate Castle's birthday and then if anything comes up during the year we might see each other then too, ie bmothers uncle died a couple months ago and we went to visitation. Anyway, bmother's mother, grandmother and aunts all had a very hard time with the adoption and want to be a part of Castle's life no matter what bmother wants. I talk very regularly to all of them but only talk to bmother once or twice a year. We still send her pictures and updates every couple of months but send a seperate package to bgmother and bggmother so they have their own copies. I would contact the afamily through the agency and let them know how you feel and that you would love to stay in touch. From my experience, most afamilies want contact with the bfamily as long as they don't stir up trouble and cause problems so I bet they would love to hear from you!

:wings: Don't worry they love her and take care of her she is theirs and is a very special child. I was adopted and my parents and they were the best. My daughter is seven months pg. and is chosing open adoption. My husband is having a hard time as you but I know that my daughter isn't able to support her son and is doing the right thing. She wouldn't get anything from said father for he doesn't have a job and can't even find him. I know that her son is going to lovely parents that will take care and love him. Don't worry by what I have been told alot of couples will let you share letting you see her and give letters. Please look into it I think you will find they are a lovely couple being blessed by your granddaughter. She is a very lucky little girl to have been chosen by them. Also by having a Grandmother like you that loves her even though she isn't with you. Take care from agirlthatwasadopted

Stephanie: I'm happy for you that you have been able to maintain contact with your biological granddaughter. I'm a Mom of a soon-to-be 2 yr old myself...I'm not his Amom...I'm his Mom! Just as Hailey's parents are not her Aparents. I'm hoping you distinguish them as "aparents" for the sake of clarity on this site only and do not refer to her parents as "adopted parents" in real life. If you do refer to Hailey's parent in that manner, I can see why you may not have the relationship you want. You need to understand that these people ARE part of your family and always will be and if you continue to hold them separate, how can you expect them to be more open to your needs? I really don't mean to seem hard or uncaring of your feelings, I'm really not. Even if my son was biologically mine, I still wouldn't be allowing him to spend the night at grandma's house just yet...to me, 2 yrs old is still too young to be away from home. In the 2 years that my son had been alive, we have left him overnight twice...both times DH's sister spent the night at our house so our son could still have his surroundings (he does nap at DH's mom's house occasionally when we're visiting), but it's never an overnight thing...and I think they've only driven with him alone once.:flowergift: I think you need to give this relationship time to evolve into a more "family" relationship. Not knowing more of your situation (except I take it that your son and the birthmother are not "together"), I can't comment more (which I'm sure you are most excited about). Now, I will comment on our situation...our son's birthparents are "together" and are even expecting another son in a couple of months, though they are not married and are barely living on their own. The birthmother's mom has had "issues" in her life and though she would LOVE to have more contact with our son, her life if not one that would be a positive experience for him (her youngest has been in the system most of her life while her mother has lived off of the system for the past 15 years for one reason or another...and her relationship with our son's birthmother is "strained" and not always healthy). Our birthfather's mother would make a wonderful grandmother as I see how she deals with her two sons, but they all live 5 hrs away and the birthparents don't own a car. Even though at placement, they said they wanted to visit at least 3 times a year, they've only seen our son 3 times in 2 years (2 of the 3 times was use driving the 5 hours and staying a hotel for 2 nights as well as paying for the meals for all of the families during the visits). They only came to our home once...and now that there will be another child, I suspect that they will drop out our son's life even more. So, I guess I'm just trying to say to be open to accepting your granddaughter's family as her family and be as willing and open as possible to keeping this relationship as open and active as possible and try not to leave it up to her parents to make contact possible....if that makes sense! :flowergift: Kat

I came on for support, as well. Granddaughter adopted almost one month ago. Open adoption, but family is a good distance away. My daughter gets emails and will get pics,too. Just feeling a selfish sort of grief for everything that I am missing...I am doing a notebook of hospital pics and special things that I hope to show her and let her have in the future...I just love her and will always!

Grandma3, Sorry for your loss! I'm sure it's tough. My dd's birth grandma (Nana) is a big part of our lives though she lives about 8 hours away. Luckily she drives through town every few months visiting relatives north of us. We think of her the same way we do our two moms though we know she holds back a little so as not to overstep and probably also to protect herself from pain. I really hope your granddaughter's parents welcome you fully into their lives. One can never have enough doting grandparents! And I'm sure she would treasure any family photos you'd share.

I am a "new" birth grandma and would love to chat with you about what we have been through. My granddaughter, Olivia, was born on May 9. She lives over 400 miles away..but adoptive parents have been keeping in touch with emails and picture updates. The worst on me was the first day...ugh...the pain. I started a book to give her that has hospital pics and "family" pics that I want to give her one day...I also keep a journal...so someday, she will read my feelings and know how much I (we) love her and wanted absolutely the very best for her. She will have anything she wants or needs...and my daughter is so proud of her ( and dad is so proud of her, as well) the aren't married but are together. They are overjoyed when new pics or email arrive for them...I do not know your situation as far as whether there is any contact. But I am happy to talk with you...depression hurts. Try to think of her as your granddaughter that just doesn't live near you. Do you know where she is (location of adoptive parents?) I hope just having someone to talk to helps. I have to grandsons 4 and 3 that live near me from my older daughter. I hope to talk again.

For me the first day was Hell that has continued for almost a year now. I lost 3 grandchildren to adoption, age 6, 18 months and 6 months. I thought I and the adoptive mom were close friends, my mistake, once the adoption process started she had her attorney call the bm and tell her no contact at all. Before this she could not see the kids but could write them letters. I was able to call and check on the kids and see them once a month. This was not enough (I was caring for them daily, they're like mine). When I called to check on them the foster mom had the constable call me and tell me no more harassing phone calls. I had no idea why so I asked the constable to please call her and find out what happened and call me back. We were friends, I thought. I was beginning to think af her and her husband as my kids too, I trusted her and she betrayed me, and didn't even have the guts to call me and tell me, she had the constable do it, I didn't deserve that at all, I helped her get the kids placed with her...and this is the thanks I get, that's Bull! The bm got to see her daughter today by accident and she didn't even know her, She hasn't seen the kids since Febuary, this is June. Now she says we can see them after the divorce is final....I will be civil to her but I WILL NEVER TRUST HER AGAIN.

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