I don't know where to begin.
I am 24 years of age. Only ever had three sexual partners. Without going into the in's and out's of it I was sexually and physically assaulted afer my drink was tampered with. My arm was dislocated and i was covered in bruises. I also had my purse and cell stolen. ALthuogh i have no memory i know who done this as another person who was out was able to give me the name. This man is double my age and although i never knew him, and could not tell you what he looked like, he was pointed out to me and i freaked out.
Without dragging this out i have found out i'm pregnant. It was my worst fear. I am absolutely petrified. I do not know what to do.
Raising it - I am 99% sure i can love this child and care for this child if i had the finances (and i think i may be able to manage). It would be MY child. I am afraid of a few things. If it looks like him will it be so hard. What about when it asks who it's father is. (I had to search for mine so i know the inevitable questions and the feelings that go along with it). Would the child suffer something terrible knowing about it's conception. How could i hurt a child like that. I always felt unwanted by my birthfather and it killed me, would it be twice as worse for my child. How will i explain to people and my family about this childs father. (Only one sister knows what happened that night).
Adoption - Most definately out of the question. Because of how i felt inside (and i had loving parents and i love them to bits and would not change anything) i could now go down that route. I spent long enough wondering about my own heritage that i do not want to have to worry where my own flesh and blood is. I could not have a child and give it away. It's my personal choice. Open adopion would be harder - seeing someone else raise my child. No!
Abortion - I always believed that was wrong. I believe in everyones right to choose. I have had others in my family go abroad for abortions as they are illegal in my country. The child is innocent. I had the assault done to me but i would be the one killing my own flesh and blood. I would be murdering a child. What if i could never have another child? I love children. I could not face doing it. It has crossed my mind but i don't think i could ever do it. My sister is adamant i can't go through having this child. She wants to take me away in two weeks for an abortion.
I'm afraid of being kicked out of home. Of being labelled a slut when i wont say who the father is. I;m afraid of anyone findout what happened to me. I feel ashamed. I have felt did i do something to lead him on although forgive me he is an ugly SOAB and certainly too old and not my type in the slightest. I feel physically sick at the thouught of him and him doing that. How can i afford a baby.
How expensive is a baby, I have large bills. I earn in Euro 1600 a month. Car costs 800 Euro. Ten i have other day to day living expenses and bills and i live at home and only pay 100 a month keep.
I'm going to be killed.
I also want STD testing but i'm frightened. How do they perform that. Can i just give blood. I dont want any male near me.
If it were me (and that probably changes a lot of things since you have your unique perspective) I would tell my parents straight off about being attacked. You are obviously having inner termoil about this and hiding it from people who love you so much will only perpetuate the undue shame. You just may find out that your parents can point you in all the right directions.
I would also seek a therapist. After suffering through a violent attack you may be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Of the options you have listed first, to continue the pregnancy or abort. It sounds like your sister is the only one who is for the abortion. She is not the one that will have to live with that decision, it is only your choice to make. Abortion is permanant.
If you decide to continue with your pregnancy, your next choices are between parenting your child or making an adoption plan. Remember, you do not have to make an adoption plan now!!! I'm sure many women here will tell you that finances were a temporary problem and one of the big reasons they relinquished their children. If you are considering parenting, actively seek out financial aid now! Your parents may be a great resource as well.
If the child is born and every time you see it you feel horrible or you just decide there is no way you are ever going to parent, then think about adoption. If you think parenting is right for you, look for support groups (hopefully others will have more help than I) for single parents.
I hope you can find peace, my heart goes out to you.
My dad is in his late 70's and has been ill for 19 years. If i told him about it i would probably kill the poor man. Telling him im pregnant is going to be hard enough on him.
My mother will yell and scream about being pregnant but ultimately get over it.
My sister & her daughters have had abortions. . She cant make a decision for me but i kow she would help me financially. Ive told her already that i know what i can and cannot live with. Maybe that's just to clarify to her that it is MY choice but i would like her support. Adoption is a definate no no. Out of the three that is my worst nightmare. I know people adopted and i have relatives adopted and it was a great thing. I had my issues with my situation, my birth etc. I cannot giev birth to a child a lose it, not rear it. That would be worst than the trauma i feel now.
Thanks for advice. Going to bed now try to sleep. Thank you.
Well, OK, here goes:
First off, you should be laying criminal charges against this person. Absolutely.
Secondly, I guess it's because you were adopted that you are here on this board, and that's great, but you obviously don't want to consider relinquishing at this point. I won't try to change your mind.
That leaves you with only two options, aborting or raising. And I'm glad that abortion is OUT.
Raising this child, you express your fears, and I can't imagine how much that must scare you. You'll definitely need to consider counselling to help you avoid any chance of seeing your rapist when you see your child. When the child is old enough to understand his paternal connection, you'll find the right words. It's not the child's fault that his 'father' made such poor choices.
Basically, if abortion is OUT and adoption is OUT then you only have one choice left, and there's nothing wrong with that choice. And I believe that you are entitled to every bit of counselling, that you are also entitled to make sure this male is brought to account and hopefully never does this again, and then I wonder - when DNA proves paternity, isn't he obligated to contribute financially?
Oh my gosh i never thought that they would try to prove paternity and take money off him. No way would i want that dirty money or have him know he made me pregnant and know the child was his. He would never be out of my life. I never even thought about that, thank you. Now i most definately am having an abortion or raising it and moving the hell away. Adoption has been crossed off the list totally. The more scared im getting the more i wonder could i go through with abortion. thank you. I need to go decide this weekend as i would have to travel to another country.
Thanks for advice.
Just to let ya'll now i decided that abortion was something i couldn't do or live with myself for doing. I would of felt i'd murdered the baby, who's fault none of this is.
I am keeping it. I have not told my parents and family yet. I dunno when i'll get the courage to do it. I'm going to pretent it was a one night stand because i can't deal with the truth. They will go crazy but i'll let them be ashamed and think im an idiot.
I am doing a lot of extra hours at work and have already saved 1000 in a month. I have put in to work lots of hours this month and i am going to work christmas day for triple time pay. I'm also working night shifts at weekends extra.
I'm very tired but i need all the money i can behind me to get everything i need for my baby and also some moeny because i'm 99% sure i cannot stay at home after it's born due to my father's sickness and old age.
I am scared it will look like him but you know what? I'll get over it in the next while and it will be MINE and i will love it. If it's a girl i'm going to call her Mia, as it means "mine". If it's a boy it will be after my dad.
I'm going to sell my car after the winter and buy a piece of crap car. I've also paid an extra 1000 off my loan the last month and cleared one of my credit cards. Only one left to clear which i should have done by February. I cant sell my car right now for a piece of crap as it's winter and i work 50 miles journey and i can't have an unrealible car in winter.
I have started paying money into a local Mothercare everyweek so that it will build up the next few months and i won't miss paying a little bit here and there.
Now all i've got to do is get the balls to tell everyone.
Thanks for the advice.
I think you should also seek therapy.
It's not your fault. It's not the baby's fault.
Neither of you got to choose who the father is, so it'd be wrong to act like you did or somehow that you brought this on yourself.
I've always been able to confide in my mom about anything, and there are things that she never told my dad about too.
I had an abortion at 15 years old. Long story short, I'd do the same given the same set of circumstances & I lied when I had it done. I was 5 weeks - they say you can't do it before 8 weeks because you can hemmorage to death... so I lied, and mom lied for me too. I currently have 2 beautiful children, but it's very hard to live with.
I'm a unique position to be able to relate on a couple of fronts however. My "first time" was a date rape. I drank way too much & was in & out of consciousness the entire time. No bruises (thankfully), but this was also a guy I had trusted. I try to be positive about it (my friends say I'm nuts) - but because I went through what I did, I've managed to stop other young girls from drinking as much, and in a couple of cases stop drinking all together. So it was worth it.
Your parents love you, and you love them - it's obvious.
You didn't do this to yourself, but I would start by talking to your mom first. Give her the bad news first - you were raped.
then the good news - there will be a beautiful baby from this horrible thing... out of everything bad, something good can be found. If you need to tell the child when they get older - go to counselling first. Find out the best way to let them know, but personally, I would make it a point to say that out of this horrible thing, I got something wonderful, so it was worth it.
"We can't change our circumstances, only our reactions to them."
If you need to PM me - I might be able to help you look up support groups.
Thank you but no thanks. I probably live in another country to you but i have support. I have found it in my own way, the only way i can deal with right now. I have free councilling due to the nature of my job and what i have to deal with on a professional front every month. I have spoken to her about this,.
I'm glad you felt able to tell your mom. In my case that is something i don't want her knowing. Yes, maybe she would like to know what's after happening, but i dont want to hurt her by telling her. I dont want her fretting. Her life has its crap going on right now and she has been crying a lot and i'm not going to blurt this out to her. What doesnt know won't hurt her.
Thanks for your words.
I am parenting a child that was conceived during a brutal sexual assault. If you ever need someone to talk to whos been there, feel free to send me a PM.
YouҒre on the right trackyouŒre going to be fine!
Hi Stuck,
I'm confused, why aren't you pressing charges against this animal? I mean guy? He deserves to be in jail for what he did to you!
In my humble opinion you should go to the police and tell them what happened and ask them to have your mom come there so they would be with you when you told her. They would be able to help her see that it wasn't your fault (not that she would think that anyway but having someone with you of authority may help).
I'd just hate for this guy to get away with what he did to you! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and have given this a lot of thought. Just remember, if you reported him to the police he may not be able do this to some other innocent person.
Best of luck to you and your family. I will pray for you, your baby and your parents health.
Thanks Brandy.
I am not going to the police because i cant face it. I never want to lay eyes on that guy ever ever again. I don't want people knowing what happened me. I dont even like to think about it let along talk about it to police. I'm trying to put it out of my head. I guess im not strong enough. I wish i could, i dont want anyone else to suffer at his hands. But i can't. I'm sorry. It's something i dont even want to discuss here on the board anymore, not that night and what i should be doing. Sensibly i know what i should do, but i can't. Now i need to concentrate on being able to provide for me and my kid. Our futures. The past is done, can't be changed, can't be rectified for me, i got to live with it and get on with it. Present & Future need to be my priorities now.
Thanks everyone. I will update down the line.
I agree with you....I'd not press charges if I were in your situation. I would NOT want that man involved in my child's life!!!! If there's any way you can make do financially w/o his support, then do so.
What if something happened to you? He'd end up with full custody of the child. Or demand 50:50 visitation, etc.