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[FONT=arial]I received an email last week from the daughter that I gave up for adoption at birth in 1983. We spoke on the phone and have exchanged emails. I am not sure what she is looking for from me. I am not that girl that I was back then. It has been 21 years and I have grown and changed. I am giving her the time and space that she needs. I just have never been here before and do not have any idea how I should act, what I should say. Anyone out there with any words of wisdom for me? I am touched that she sought me out. Thank you for any help that you might have for me..Becca[/FONT]
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Becca i'm in the same boat. My bd just contacted myself a couple days ago, quite a SHOCK!! All I can say is stay in touch with her, it doesn't matter if you arn't the same person what's important is the bio connection and a longterm relationship. go slow, let it happen and enjoy the ride. My fear is I don't know if I want to meet mine f2f because i'd be heartbroken if she didn't want to have more then that and I don't want the heart break of separation again. Isn't there a book or something on the market to help birthparents like us? i could also use some sage wisdom on what to say and what not to say to a bc. lostrmarbles
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I just started talking to my birth father 2 1/2 weeks ago. I knew how to contact him since I was 18, but chose not to in fear of rejection. He sent me an e-mail 1st and then we talked on the phone. The 1st few days were rough for me, we get along great, but my emotions were all over the place. He consumed my thoughts all day for a couple of days. We now share e-mails daily and he calls about 3 times a week. We have a date set to meet, and I am a bit nervous about that. I have chosen not to tell my family (other than my husband) about all of this. My mom had me when she was 14 and my bio dad was 15. I lived with my family but he was asked to leave me and my mom alone and he did. He has been very honest with me and I appreciate that. My family is very judgemental and probobly would still hate him today. I wanted to base my opinion of him myself, not from what I would hear. I may tell them at one point, but not now. I hope I helped a bit. My biggest fear all along, and even sometimes now, is rejection. I know that what my bio dad did was the right thing, but it still hurts.
sam_i_am_71801
Your children........are just that..........your children. Even though you did not raise them they still blong to you. There is a soul connection. Blood is stronger than adoption. We remember........I know that you probably don't understand .............but there is something in our souls that call us back to you. We have no control over it........it is too powerful. It is a calling. It is a need.
I am thriilled to be able to post to this forum, a yr later, that my daughter and I have stayed in contact and are getting to know each other, it's been a wonderful experience. I admit to still being miffed with the department of useless services however for releasing my psersonal information to her without letting me know, no I don't regret it but am questioning their supposed anonymity legislation. Anyhow, that is neither here nor there, I am thrilled to have her in my life, never thought i'd for certain ever see her again. God is good.
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Sam you have brought tears to my eyes in such a happy way i usally cry alot out of pain and anger but for the first time i felt some peace with your post..My child contacted me at the age of 6 i have missed her in so many ways i have tried to feel my void with so much but never felt whole until the day she called me for the first time in 6 years i dont feels so broken..I never realized what i was feeling till i read this your words are very powerful. Thanks for your blog im sure it has opened the eyes of many..
1st, 2 make a VERY long story short, when my daughter was 5, I ran away from EVERYTHING!!! [I keep typing reasons & then deleting them cause my life isn't about all my past pain & loss any more] What I desperatly want is to know the young woman Heather has become. Throughout the years I have tried 2 reconnect but circumstances being what they are between me & her paternal grandparents, every attempt has failed. At the age of 15 my bio daughter & family lawyers sent adoption papers to me. Since she wanted it I chose not to fight in court any more & signed them. 3+ years have passed & on line I located her on FB!!! Sent her a friend request & she immediatly accepted!! Hurrah>>>or so I thought. She gave me her forgiveness which is all I deserve & I AM blessed because of that!!! :clap: But in the same breath she said she did not want me a part of her life cause of the trouble it causes & said please don't tell I've spoke with you. Of course I kept emailing cause I didn't want her to feel that I really didn't want her as badly as I claimed 2. Now she's been caught by her g-mom & all h@#$ has broken out>>>I am now blocked from seein' her or communicating w/ her online. She sent me a text via mobile phone sayin' 'please leave them alone>I am making her miserable & that I chose 2 leave so lets just keep it that way! Oh the hope I had 2 finally reconnect!!! She was all I ever wanted & I blew it!!! My heart has ached 4 her all along & now I'm consumed w/ thoughts & hopes of knowing her. This is such a tragic seperation in so many ways! I can't help but fear I'll never know her! Hind site is 20/20 & I chose not to blame anyone but myself>>> What can I do? anything? WAIT & PRAY is all I know.:hypno: thanks 2 any & all who take the time 2 read this!!!
My dear, you are in my prayers. Please remember that she is in a very hard place right now. Please give her time... as much as she needs. Right now she is in a very hard place. She is a very young adult and her grandparents are putting a lot of pressure on her. She knows you wanted to reconnect. Give her time and keep hoping. My bson was 33 when I found him. He has told me that our reunion would not have been as easy or successful if it had happened when he was 18 or even 25. Sometimes it's a matter of the "right" time.
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Maybe wait till she moves from them and into her own life.. and world.. Give her peace of mind.. and time to sort all this.. U r exactly right!!! Thank u both 4 takin' the time 2 reach out 2 me w/ ur wisdom. I'm just struggling 24/7... even dreaming bout her more than ever! Been made 2 believe my leaving was cause I didn't want her>>>so not the case!! I guess what's making this sooo difficult was her initial responce 2 my contacting her>>>>OH MY>>Words can't express how surprised & alive my heart felt>>>there is this empty place she will 4-ever hold & not even my 7 yr. old son touches there. Again, u r very wise 2 say she can't solve family issues & shouldn't have 2>>>she was & is an innocent in all of this! Oh the dreaded waiting & wondering how I've made her feel>>>> She posted something 4 me 2 c a month or so ago, "Break my heart once, shame on u! Break my heart twice, shame on me!" I am just sooo sorry I wasn't strong enough 2 be the Mother she needed & deserved!! If only I could go back the Cindy I am 2day>>>>Fools wishes:roadblock:
Lots of family issues involved.. she can not solve them..
Hello all. I am new to this forum and definitely looking for advice. My 18 yr old daughter found me in December. It was a wonderful reunion and it was unbelievable to me - still is, in fact. Since the 1st phone call, we have seen each other twice. We talk on the phone a lot but it has been hard to really communicate since she is 18 and always on the run and I am now married with a 3 yr old. However, in these few months I have been able to ascertain that she definitely has a lot of problems. She has been arrested a few times, hangs around with very unsavory people and quite likely is abusing drugs. She is not working now since she was fired for not showing up. I have spoken with her AM and she is worried sick but doesn't know what else to do. Her father is in Florida (they divorced yrs ago). Her mom feels she is definitely headed towards big trouble. She is constantly at war with her mom and now holding me up to her mother, telling her she can come live with me any time she wants. Recently she called me to ask me to come here. She had a big fight with her mom. My concern is that she has been showing me in a lot of ways that she is manipulating things now that I am in the picture. I have enormous love for her and she is a beautiful child but she is pretty messed up. Finally, my more immediate concern, is that I am married now and have a 3 yr old son. I feel that I need to be concerned for him as well. I do not really know my daughter yet and what I know frightens me and I am not sure what is the right thing to do. I want to help her but I need to protect my family at the same time. If anyone has any advice, please share. Having my daughter find me is still the most amazing thing that could ever have happened to me.
You have come to the right place for good advice and support. I would advise creating this as a new thread so people are sure to read it, since this is a realtively old thread. I am an amom so I don't have experience in this area...you and your family are in my thoughts and I hope you get some helpful replies soon from those who have been there.
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I just started talking to my birth father 2 1/2 weeks ago. I knew how to contact him since I was 18, but chose not to in fear of rejection. He sent me an e-mail 1st and then we talked on the phone. The 1st few days were rough for me, we get along great, but my emotions were all over the place. He consumed my thoughts all day for a couple of days. We now share e-mails daily and he calls about 3 times a week. We have a date set to meet, and I am a bit nervous about that. I have chosen not to tell my family (other than my husband) about all of this. My mom had me when she was 14 and my bio dad was 15. I lived with my family but he was asked to leave me and my mom alone and he did. He has been very honest with me and I appreciate that. My family is very judgemental and probobly would still hate him today. I wanted to base my opinion of him myself, not from what I would hear. I may tell them at one point, but not now. I hope I helped a bit. My biggest fear all along, and even sometimes now, is rejection. I know that what my bio dad did was the right thing, but it still hurts.
I to am a birthmom who reunited about 7 years ago with my bdaughter. She is my best friend and even made me a grandma about 6 months ago. At first, it was awkward. She was almost 18 when her mom asked if we could meet. Her Mom and I had been writting for years. My first suggestion would be to take it slow. Let her identify what she is looking for in this. Second, I know this is going to be a hard thing... I ALWAYS put my myself in her Moms shoes. What I mean by this is everytime something came up I thought about her Mom. I still do this. On our first meeting, I told her Mom that I was NOT going to walk in and become her Mom. I would be her friend, her Moms friend and anyone her MOM wanted me to be. I love her and her family with my whole heart and her feelings, insecurities and concerns have always been put before mine. That does not mean that I haven't dealt with mine, but she is my daughter and I love her enough to think of her first (as we all have done who are birthmoms)