New Board for adoptive parents struggling with the reunion of their adopted children

love4, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I as a birthmother would not want to in any way shape or form replace my daughter's amom. Afterall, she is the one who raised her and nurtured her to be the person she is today. I would like to have the opportunity not only to meet my birthdaughter but her aparents as well so that I may thank them for being there for her. Maybe one day your daughter will come back to you. Please, never close the doors or give up on her. Best wishes, Barbara

HI, I am adoptive mom, my girls are young and we are involved in one open adoption and one semi open. I was wondering what the experience for your other children has been in regards to their sister leaving to be with her birthfamily? Have any of them searched for their birthfamily's?

Thank you. I have met her birthmom and I like her very much. When no one would respond to me after our meeting I wondered if the 3 of them walked off on me. I was left with anger and hurt. I had the opportunity to talk with her birthmom the other day and found out my daugther is giving them a very hard time. Now they understand what has been going on for so long. They understand. The door is always open for my girl. She knows that. I am not even sure she is capable of staying connected with us. She cannot have a relationship with more than 1 person at a time. It's sad. I do have to back away until she wants us. I can only knock on the door of her heart so long. Then it becomes harrassment. Every time she did call or come by she was welcomed with open arms. Until she can settle things in her mind, I wait............................................even if it takes forever. Her birthfamily is welcome in my life also. It was not what I thought would ever happen but it has and it is o.k. I appreciate your post Barbara

Sylvester, I have 4 adopted daughters ages 29, 26, 19 and 16. The two older were infant adoptions. The younger were placed with us at the ages of 11 and 12. My 26 year old has no desire to meet her birthparents. My 3rd daughter is somewhat like my older daughter in the fact that she has a hard time letting us in her life. She longed for her birthmom but now her birthmom has passed away. It is very hard on her. She is happy here but has a deep hole in her heart. My youngest has been through many placements and a failed adoption and yet she is a survivor. She loves us and has bonded with us. She wants to meet her birthparents as soon as possible. She said she wants to put the past behind her and move on. I will take her next year to visit the place she grew up and the following year if she still has the desire I will help her find her birthfamily. I can't imagine her ever leaving us. She is a gem. It has affected all my girls very much. My youngest wrote in her journel stating that she is tired of worrying about her older sister. She is sooooo hurt for me and also feels so abandoned by her older sister. Sometimes she wants to call her and yell at her. My daughter leaves aunts and uncles and cousins who are very hurt also. None of us mind that she met her birthparents, we just didn't want to be abandoned. It hurts. I never thought this could ever happen to me and my little girl. Her and I were close in those early years. I thought she would always be with me. I miss her soooooo much. We think if we love enough that it will be o.k. I did love enough. The life was sucked out of me and it still isn't enough.

love4 - your daughter seems as though she definitely needs counseling to help her understand that she can have both families in her life, she does not have to choose. For some reason, she feels she can not integrate both. Have you asked her why?

My daughter has been to counseling for many years but not at the moment. She has always had trouble with relationships. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality. She is very smart and has a degree in psychology so it makes you crazy wondering if she really has a mental problem or she just can't work through adoption issues. She found out mental disorders run in her birthfamily. This gives a clearer picture. I recently told her it would be wonderful if she would let her birthfamily and us into her life. What love and support she would have. So far she continues to be at a distance.

I can relate to all that you have shared...when my daughter complained about her birth father but still wants to live in HIS neighborhood I felt confused and left out... I feel as if I was temporary housing for her and not really a parent...sad, but true... thanks for sharing, it helps...I CAN SO RELATE And that makes me feel less alone and strange...HUGS

I am getting a great deal out of reading the posts on this thread. This is the horrible nightmare I think every adoptive parent has. Do you think if you would have been involved in open adoptions things would have been different? I am all for open adoption, but in our situation my daughter has contact only with her birthmom. We have no idea where her birthfather is, I know we will support her as she gets older if her desire to find him ever comes up. I know now a days most families are invloved in some type of open or semi open adoption, vs. how it use to be.

My daughter was a wonderful kid until she was in her teens. I mean she had a lot of anger but we had what I thought bonded. We had lots of good times. It is in those teen years that an open adoption would scare me. It is like a divorce where the kid plays one parent against the other. Teens don't like rules and it's a time of struggle between parent and child. My daughter told me with all the anger she had and struggling with adoption she would have run straight to her birthmom's arms. Not sure how her birthmom would have taken that. Not sure if she would have come running back! I know a lady who adopted an older child and her birthmom lived close by. The girls birthmom would tell her if she didn't like things at home she could come live with her. It was in those teen years that I felt so helpless with my daughter's hole that I could not fill. At least in an open adoption there would be no fantasy. There was a period of time when my daughter thought I stole her. I didn't know this until one day I figured it out as to why she was so angry at me. Those wonderful black market adoption movies made my daughter question the thought. Believe it or not my youngest who was placed with me at the age of 11 had thoughts that I stole her! Even when she knew the truth. Your mind plays tricks on you. One day when all the kids in open adoptions are in their teens and later will we see if things are better. We won't know until then.

Sylvester...I don't know which situation is the most ideal...it seems that after we helped our daughter find birth relations she seemed less ANGRY and more at peace (no more wondering)...I never imagined we (adoptive relations) would all get dumped like we did, though...I never would have predicted that...growing up she would say she never wanted to meet THEM...she was always angry about any talk of birth relatives... it's puzzling...and she's never been nasty about not having a relationship anymore...just distant and disconnected...I suppose in your case at least the wondering is taken out of the equation...good luck and keep up communicating...this is what will get us all through...HUGS

Never in my wildest dreams did I believe my daughter would be so disconnected. Like your daughter, Lynn, she would have anger at birthfamily and didn't want to connect. She made me feel she really bonded. Then 9th grade................................What happened to my little girl??? The last time I talked with her she seemed fine. We had a good talk. She tells me she doesn't want us out of the picture and when we hang up she is gone. She just disappears. She won't answer when I call. It makes me crazy. I really don't want a relationship like that..................one sided...............and yet I don't want to walk away.................yet sometimes I do............it's hard. It's hard to know she is living there and she says she has never been happier. I tried so hard to make her happy and it was all in vain? Yet she has told me she is struggling there too. So confusing.

I'm pleased to learn that a category for adoptive parents struggling with reunion has been started. My husband and I have three children, one of whom was adopted and placed with us at age 9 months. It was a state agency closed adoption in 1969. Last year, at age 35, she reunited with her birthmother. We have fully supported her in her search and supplied her with all the information we had which was enough to find her birthmother. The reunion process is more difficult than I had anticipated. Up until the reunion, my concern was that my daughter might be hurt. I hadn't really thought about what would happen after a positive reunion. I work through my life issues by reading and I have found that the philosophical change over the years from closed to open adoptions has produced a wealth of literature and compassion for the birth parent (especially the birth mother) and the adoptee and very little and rather negative for the (adoptive) parents. It was helpful to come to this forum and find love4 who has been most supportive! Another adoptive parent can understand that we were not babysitting or fostering but were parenting with all its rights and obligations with unconditional love. Another adoptive parent can understand that it is "about us" too. Another adoptive parent can understand how it feels to be closed out or taken for granted during the "honeymoon" phase. When I read the message boards re: problems encountered by birth and adoptive parents even before the child is born, I'm not so sure open adoption is always the best and closed is always wrong. I'm hoping more adoptive parents struggling with reunion will post messages.

good to hear from you joanne. Feeling closed out or taken for granted or feeling like you were a babysitter is so painful. It's hard to be supportive when those feelings surface. My daughter was angry because I had those emotions. After all, this is about her and her reunion. Those words hurt. I felt like my daughter was saying, "leave me alone, I am excited, I don't want to deal with your emotions. I have my own. Just be happy for me because I have never been happier."

love4, This entire process is not about two people. It is about ALL members of the triad. None of the three can escape the wide range of emotions. Nothing about it is black and white. Barbara Birthmom to daughter born 6-6-71

Thanks Barbara, I couldn't agree more. If each of us can show compassion for each other than healing is much easier. If we can embrace each other then we find a place of peace. Acceptance brings peace. I can't change what is. I can embrace it and find peace. I can find my place in this situation. It hurts right now because my daugther wants me stuffed in a corner of her messy life. Will she find me someday? She wants me there. Just like people have treasures they put in a box and hide away. They don't want to get rid of something so precious but it is very rarely taken out to look at. Eventually it gets tossed or given to another. My daughter doesn't realize that I am a stubborn treasure who will not stay in that place she left me. I have found others who care. I will come back to that place if she ever wants me because I am still hers.