New Board for adoptive parents struggling with the reunion of their adopted children

Tara, I like your thoughts to joanne. Very well said. It is not easy from any angle. None of us would be where we are without the other section of the triad. I do care very much for my daughter's birthmom. I am glad my daughter is where she is loved and cared about. It hurt so much at first but as time goes by it gets easier. I am accepting what I cannot change. My daughter's rejection of me is what hurts most.

Love 4 just thinking about where your story has taken you breaks my heart. I admire your strength and determination and the fact that you still have so much unconditional love....again- thats just what Mommy's do! I don't mean to get preachy but I simply don't feel that God brought you this far to break your heart. BTW: My daughter came to my side of the court with the words "we will never ever bond" it crushed me for all of 28 seconds until I realized that her anger and tears were a sure sign that we are/were firmly bonded in every way, otherwise my actions, concerns, points of veiw wouldn't affect her so strongly! I know I haven't posted much of my story; I'm new here; in short my placed daughter is 22 as of last weekend, Oct.16th and pregnant. She was to enter grad school with her parents footing all bills until she finished. She has not only become pregnant by a genuwine beer guzzling unemployed loser with 2 other kids he doesn't see or support, but she expects her a parents to support the 2 of them since she is unable/unwilling to work and go to school. A-p's said no with a load of unprintable words with it and I refused to allow the happy couple to move into my home too. Or to join my bank account. She had an off-campus apt. but they refuse to support her if he lives there. She is electing to be homeless as long as the 2 of them are homeless together. She is now *threatening* to abort, leave school, strip, move to Iran, sell drugs and anything else to scare us silly. So far we are hanging tough. Some nights I worry myself silly about her, but I can not go against them. My advice to you is to keep yourself sane and healthy. None of us can predict what roads our kids will decide to take. My point is that ALL TYPES OF KIDS whether birthed,adopted, kept, fostered, manufactored from play dough or found under cabbage leaves do this. Its not just adopted kids so its certainly not the fault of the A-parents. The daughter I raised was/is no angel either! She's only 12 so the best is yet to come....kids fight with what ever weapons they find and in your case, its the circumstances surrounding her adoption....somedays I hear the flip side, like last month when I refused to buy the 12 y.o. a push-up padded bra she yelled I WISH YOU'D GIVEN ME AWAY TOO! I reassured her that that option still exists...LOL. I am not making light of your situation; I hear your pain deep in my heart. You inspire me in ways you'll never know. You are an awesome woman and I am praying for you and your daughter. Tara

Thanks so much Tara. Your words are certainly uplifting. I love your sense of humor too! I agree that adopted or not many kids have desserted their parents and have caused much pain. Not even kids for that matter. Husbands and wives or best friends have abandoned a relationship at one time or another. We have all experienced deep pain at one time. Rejection is hard to handle and it helps to have a kind person as yourself to listen and bring words of encouragement. Thank you for your prayers for my daughter and I. I agree that you and your daughter are firmly bonded for the reasons you stated. You are in my prayers also. Without God in my life I would not be able to stand. Hugs to you! love4

Thank you all so much for posting. It's hard to read and harder to understand what is happening with these children. In some ways, I feel I'm already going through the beginnings of it all - and my adoption isn't even final yet! I'll try and provide a brief synopsis - but I type fast and am notorious for providing detail. (Feel free to get a cup of coffee . . .). I'm in the process of adopting my daughter, who turned 14 in September. She had a dissolved adoption and a disrupted adoption, as well as many placements. Prior to that, she had many gypsy-like moves among relatives in several states. K is currently in a therapeutic residence, dealing with anger and behavior issues. She's very bright academically. She's also a beautiful child. Her therapist has said she needs some closure with bmom, who she hasn't seen for 6 years. Next month is the TPR hearing for her two half brothers - 1 1/2 year old twins. Mom was released from prison earlier this week, and already is not where she's supposed to be (we don't know where she is). Bmom has history of substance abuse and working the streets. She was drug around with her bmom as a child. There is much family history in this pattern and I also suspect bi-polar or another mental illness is also an issue (none has ever been in a position to have health care or an assessment, I think). Bmom is getting a bit old to be working the streets and K is a gorgeous child. The nonbiological grandmother has said she wouldn't put it past bmom to use K to get the $$ she needs. K is emotionally needy and feels the need to express to bmom that she loves her and will never give up on her. She has expressed a desire to "keep Mom from using" - as if she has that power. I've taken her to 12-step meetings and she's learning; she's open to it and likes it. K knows I am willing to let her have contact w/bmom under conditions I deem physically safe and if her bmom can stay clean during these times. Her therapist at the residential facililty also intends to initially supervise this, if bmom resurfaces. My fear is that contact will be made, bmom will be charming and manipulative (a family trait), and convince K to escape her current facility, meet her somewhere, and off they'll go. Should this happen, I hope K will wake up before things go very far and call me. I just got a cell phone today so I'll be accessible 24/7. I know I can't control it or any choices she will make. She has impulse control issues (I'm told it's common of the age group in general). Conceivably, they could leave the state and the adoption would never be finalized. The truth is that I strongly feel God led me to this child for a reason. I've told her this. I believe I'm qualified to be this child's Mom and no one else's - it's not like she'll be replaced if she takes off or skips the state! I've never seen failure as an option! So I keep showing up and doing the best job I can and trusting that God will guide the process! I already have a team of professionals lined up if she can get her behavior under control and actually move here and go to school here, etc. I've identified several attachment therapists - and I think with her history it's essential that we have that help. The truth is, we've never known if she could attach or not because of her history. She appears to want to be adopted - but she is charming and manipulative - and she's very good at telling you what she thinks you want to hear. I'm not sure anyone knows the real child - I'm positive K doesn't know herself. She's been such a chamelion! The bmom picture should become clearer on Nov. 3 at TPR hearing; she'll either show up or not. I've told the therapist that if she doesn't show up, they may need to come up with some alternate way of helping K get closure. Sorry it's long, but at least I warned you :D I'm glad to know you are here to help if such trouble comes my way. I'm very sorry for your pain and hope much healing comes in the near future. E.J.

While your calling is commendable...I too wanted a challenge but never prepared myself for later rejection...by reading these postings you at least can prepare yourself for possible later rejection and not take it as personally as some like myself have done...good luck...GOD bless...it isn't YOU it IS them...they have issues and may not be capable of receiving healthy intervention in their lives...I am beginning to believe that...and there is a great gene influence....HUGS

Lynn, Thanks so much for commenting. I just wrote a long response back and lost it! Somehow got timed out, hit refresh, BOOM - it was gone. I'm very grateful to have found this forum and been able to add it to my own resources and helpers. I know I have to take care of myself, too, and had put together a team of folks to do that. I know that I can do everything RIGHT, provide experts to help, etc., and it still may not turn out the way I would hope. K is going to make her own decisions and mistakes and have to learn from them. I've told her one of my jobs is to try and keep her safe - because kids do stupid things! I can't imagine the pain y'all are going through. I do believe that unconditional love is very difficult to walk away from. I know these kids have to be very confused and in some cases, mental illness (untreated) is an issue. I do believe there is reason to "hope" that these children will sort things out and want relationships with those who have loved them through everything. I do believe it has to do with them - but I know it's very hard not to take personally. I'm glad this forum allows everyone to help and share. E.J.

E.J. We can thank adoption.com and love4...I was surfing the net and found adoption.com and once here I met love4 and have emailed back and forth for over a year now...what a godsend...then she starts this more specific forum that draws attention to those dealing with this situation and it has been the best therapy yet.. love ya...keep the communications coming...we can ALL hlep one another...

Thanks my sweet friend Lynn!! So good to have your support. Catlover, my youngest has been in many placements and she came to us at age 11. She has been here 5 years and has made such remarkable changes. She came with trust issues, anger, pain and very needy among a few things. I too, like you believe God has sent her my way. All my parenting skills had to be thrown out the window and I had to learn a very different way. The changes are hard but I see it's working. She is a remarkable kid but I cannot dismiss the fact that she needs to connect with her birthfamily so as she puts it, " I need to settle things and move on with my life." She struggles with this new life because it is very different than how she was brought up. Sometimes it must be so hard that they just go back to what they have known. I am scared of that. I would be sad if she chooses to do what my oldest girl did and move back with her birthparents and cut us out of her life...........Yet I have to know this is a possibility. I know my 19 year old would go back in an instant if her birthsister would take her in. Not a good situation but rejection is so powerful and the need to be loved by those who rejected them is so strong. Yet I have a 26 year old who knows who she is and is doing very well. She has no desire to search and is happy with the family God gave her. She is very healthy emotionally and is going to be a dentist in a few short months.

love4 has seen it all as a mom, it seems...way to go...your sharing your diverse experiences helps...love ya

I think human beings are a complex species and capable of extreme and deceitful behaviors. :confused: It's one of the reasons I have so many cats (and one very timid miniature poodle from rescue!). Animals are very honest. They never lie to you or stab you in the back! K also has a deep love of animals, and I understood why immediately - they've never hurt her, offer unconditional love, and are much easier to understand! I think a lot of her healing will come through animal therapy and being around a lot of animal people (plus I know almost all the vets in town!). In fact, my experience has been with rescued animals - not children. But a former fmom of K's told me that she thought K really fell into that category and my experience there would help a lot. I could look back and see specific lessons I was getting from the ones who came here and it was only after I got the last lesson that K came into my life. I also read an interesting book called "Horse Sense for People." The guy who wrote it had an abusive father and grew up to develop a way of training horses without "breaking" them or using violence. He's taken in dozens if not hundreds of kids at his ranch and applied what he learned. He's a fascinating man. And like all creatures, humans may or may not recover from early trauma. Some may be able to put it behind them. Others may be haunted by it forever. All we can really do is love them and treat them with kindness and respect. Most of the animals I've worked with respond to that. With human animals - who knows? E.J.

catlover, I agree with what you said about loving, showing kindness and respecting these kids. Everyone wanted me to have a whip and set my youngest daughter straight. But the first thing I did was build a trust. She needed to trust me before she would listen to me. I added a lot of love and kindness and I respected her for who she was. She does not respond well to anger. Her behavior gets worse. She responds well to gentle loving discipline. I have to look and respond to those teachable moments. Those are the times she will really listen and respect what I say. When she first came she was very abusive to us. She hit, kicked, pushed and tried to bite among a few things. She was afraid we would send her back. She told me she thought I wasn't strong enough to handle her so she tested us until she realized we would be there for her and love her no matter what. It has been 5 years now and all of that behavior is gone. She responded to unconditional love, respect, kindness and gentle discipline. She knows I love her because I tell her often. I let her know how special she is. There are times when I get angry but she can handle it now because she knows she is my special girl.

Thanks Love4. It's what I've learned from rescued and abused animals. It took me a long time to learn patience and to WAIT FOR THEM TO COME TO ME! They will when they're ready and trying to push it because I want it to happen sooner just sets it back. You're right about trust. I've noticed with K that she reacts very poorly to direct confrontation or a straightforward manner. It seems to trigger defensive postures - going straight into that "reptilian" brain I keep reading about. I've tried this twice and it did not go well. I've found what does work well is catching her off balance and using humor when I can. These methods don't trigger that "fight or flight" response and allows her to think and hear what I'm saying. I'm also very careful to keep my tone of voice light (not accusatory) and affectionate. I try to make the point that I've identified unacceptable behavior and she needs to know that I have and that I'll call her on it. There will be consequences for it. It doesn't mean I don't still love her, but it means it's not behavior I approve of. I have explained consequences in a straightforward way - but I sometimes put this in writing so she can read it, take her time, re-read it, etc. Again, I will slip it in among other "just news" kinds of items - some humorous, some just newsy, etc. I also get lots of letters to her that are "routine" in nature - no lectures, lessons or morals in there. So she looks forward to getting them. (I've even included fashion articles from The NY Times online!) It's been a real change from how I do things. I used to be in the Army and my Mom (now 89!) was a Drill Sergeant in WWII! (Daddy was the civilian!). So I'm used to being direct, eyeball to eyeball, an calling it straight. The animal work hammered home the lessons I needed to learn to work with K. I'll never forget the first time I tried to deal with something directly. The look in her eyes was truly like that of a cornered animal. I'll never forget it. But it's a reminder of her history - and something that can help me back off, simmer down, and deal with it later in some situations. She's starting to care what I think, which is a plus. And not too long ago when she felt herself accelerating out of control where she stays now, she actually asked staff if she could call me! I felt that was a huge step forward for a child who doesn't let anyone help her. These things tell me this approach is working. I'll be a long time before she feels safe and secure. I do remember reading, I think it was "Parenting the Hurt Child," that the parents almost have to be "bigger than life" because the kids do need to know you can handle it. They can't feel safe unless they know you can handle them at their worst!

Amazing Catlover!!! Everything you have learned has been things that I have learned. My mom was a drill sergeant and I had the I won't put up with that kind of behavior attitude also. When my youngest came along that had to be thrown out the window. My words cannot be accusatory or her defenses rise. She was controlled for so long she told me she will not be controlled by anyone. That is where I had to build a trust. She had to trust me before she would listen. I also have to keep my tone down. I can tell her what she needs to do in a soft tone without strong force and she will do it. It was uncomfortable at first because I wasn't used to this kind of parenting but when I see that it works I know I am going on the right path. She is a great kid and I would hate to see her leave me someday just as my oldest did. Even though I have been through it once I would be crushed cause she is a special kid.

That is interesting, isn't it? I used to tell people that when my sister and I wanted sympathy growing up, we went to Daddy! I know K and I are working well together and think we'll continue to build the relationship we have. I am worried, however, about her ability to function out in the real world. Other people won't know that she needs gentle handling. Perhaps it can start with me and build from there. I've told her that she needs to be able to respect authority figures and sometimes simply do what she's told (like when a policeman says get out of the car!). She seems to think the rules don't apply to her - and I don't know if that's just because she's 14 or if it's deeper than that. Did any of yours have this problem?

My daughter hates policemen because of the things that happened to her as a child. I am scared she will tell an officer off someday and land in jail. Thankfully my daughter has a great group of teachers who support her. She has had wonderful teachers in the 5 years she has been here. She is very well liked by many. I was told when I wanted to adopt her that everyone likes her but not everyone can live with her! Boy did I find that out! She wants to control everything. Rules don't apply to her either. Every rule is stupid and to be challenged. If she doesn't like you............look out! She will make your life miserable. On the other hand she is so loveable and kind and loving. She has a great love for hurting people. She is so hurt for me and the family that my oldest walked out on us. She claims she is going to tell her off someday but the handful of times we have seen my oldest, she has hugged her and has been kind. My oldest is a me person and she sucks the life out of a person and then moves on. She leaves a trail of hurting people behind with no thought or care. Of course it is always someone elses fault. I feel for her birthmom who has to talk all of her anger now.