New Board for adoptive parents struggling with the reunion of their adopted children

My daughter always seemed angry and had an anger management problem, I believe... one day she got so angry with another student she socked her in the face and it is a miracle the girl didn't press charges...I almost believe she didn't because she was afraid of my daughter... she never hurt any of us...but she was always claiming I was YELLING at her when I wasn't...I may have gotten annoyed but wasn't YELLING...by the end of the frustrating encounter I usually WAS YELLING... She always burned through friends...one after another... great to compare notes...helps to understand...

Sometimes I would like to show them REAL yelling!!! HEE HEE! My oldest beat up a few kids in her younger years. She was always angry and still is. That is one thing I don't miss!! Walking on eggshells is a pain! Now her birthmom is experiencing all the anger. I know what she is going through.

yeah...she is probably seeing some anger stuff at the birthparent's place, too, I BET...atleast my daughter admitted that she found out her b-dad was not a nice person...said she has had to pull him off his girlfriend while he was beating her...that is what I don't understand...why she chose to go back...oh well...one time someone told me people hang with those they think accept them and it may not be based in reality but their own perception...

two of my girls said they felt unworthy of love. They can't believe any good person can love them. Well my one daughter is married to a good man so that proved her wrong. She cried one time when she was a teen and said, "you don't understand, I don't feel worthy of your love." She had me crying and my husband in tears. She is such a great kid.

we do the best we can and hope for the best...it is up to them...glad you have had some fabulous times, too...you deserve it...you work so hard at being MOM>>>>>HUGS

Helpful and informative stuff. Love4 - if it isn't too personal, was your oldest ever diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? I had experience with someone like that at a former job (hospital). Difficult condition to treat - and they are like emotional vampires (sorry - Halloween filtering in I suppose). But I did feel absolutely sucked dry. Am better with detaching and my boundaries now! Am reading a book written years ago about Adult Children of Alcoholics. This was not my experience, but is K's. Some of the things I'm reading about from Love4 and Lynn seem consistent with the stuff in this book - especially about feeling unlovable. I've never been to an ACoA meeting, but perhaps K is too young. Anyway, good to be back from my "day job" and able to respond to the forum! E.J.

Catlover, Yes my daughter was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Yes, I was absolutely sucked dry. Everything is about her. Meet her needs. Now that she is not much in our lives we can relax and set boundries. A birth uncle has the same disorder as does her b/father. Her b/uncle was put on meds and has been doing better. She is trying that same med now but I hear it is not doing any better. She has her birthmom under her control. She manipulates and continues to bring guilt upon her b/mom. Not sure how much her b/family will take. They threatened to kick her out but afraid of how she might respond. I am not sucked into her games anymore and that is a good thing. No more manipulation. Sad for her. I want to help but not sure how.

she may have to find her way...she is not a teen and may need this time to live alone and see the REAL world...just a thought... after reuniting my daughter found out she is the daughter of an alcoholic and a drug addict...

It is a very difficult condition - borderline personality. Perhaps new medications are being developed that provide more help. I'd been told this was a depressed person. Having suffered from that, I understood it. I was way in over my head in trying to help this person. I hope something materializes that will help. But I agree with Lynn - she probably needs this time to herself. Where there's life there's hope - and it may all turn out fine in the end. I know the waiting has to be difficult. But then, we all know parenting isn't easy, is it? (Is anything more difficult?!)

I agree with you guys and I try to encourage her to find an apartment when I do get the chance to speak to her. I do not want to enable her. Lynn, how did your daughter respond when she found out she was the daughter of an alcoholic and drug addict? Did she spend time getting to know them first before moving in their area? Were her birthfamily the ones to encourage her to move near them or was it her idea?

After reunion and learning more about her b-relatives she said to me WHAT IF I TURN OUT TO AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG ADDICT??? I told her that just because the ones who gave her life have these lifestyles doesn't mean she will...BUT that knowing she has addictive genes she might want to be careful she doesn't over indulge... she met them...talked on the phone for months and then went on a camping trip with them and then a family reunion...they did want her to move there...I didn't think much about it...she was married and her husband said no thanks but I didn't think she was interested either....then she became attracted to her father's step brother and voila...she went to a wedding there and never returned...she lives with the father's step brother who was practically raised by her b-father and the mother of my daughter's half siblings...they all kind of live together...

My dad lived in an alcoholic abusive mentally sick family and he and his sister were the only ones who did not follow that way. He worked at a beer factory and very rarely drank. I am thankful for that. The circle was broken. He made a wise choice. Everyday I wonder, will the day come when all ties have been broken between me and my daughter. I still have days where I want to try and I call and no answer...............I wait and wait for a reply and nothing................I become hurt, angry, hopeless and helpless. Then I let go and go on with my life. I love my life. I wonder if one day the circle will be broken and there is nothing left for me to give and she is sooooooo full of everything I gave that she just sits and can't move or she spits out every ounce of love and effort I put forth and proceeds to get it from other sources. I hate to see her suffer but it's her choice! I can't make her heart feel something it won't or even can't. We are hanging by a string. It seems almost over. Like a death. Then the stages of grief that I have already went through most of them. My life will go on because I have so much to be thankful for.

you just described my last three years...and I may be almost over my gieving of the lost relationship...I feel almost nothing...and am okay with that...maybe it is nature's way of surviving...when we hang on to something that isn't there it can't be good...I'll always love her and the door is not closed on my end but I am venturing up that dark lonely tunnel trying to get her to join me(or has it been begging her?)...

Have either of you tried writing about your feelings? Either letters to your daughters or poems and entries in a journal? Or even tape recorded thoughts? I and my Mom have always used this. Sometimes it's easier than face-to-face or phone. You can read or listen when you're in the mood and are more open to hear what is there. There's no interrupting. If you go the journal route, then that will help you get it out, but also will be there for the daughters to read when they come back - or you could mail that, too. Sometimes, when you're young and troubled and especially if a mental illness is involved, it can really just become all about you. It's impossible to see the pain you're causing other people because you can't get beyond your own pain. You feel so insignificant that you have trouble believing anyone could love you enough that it would hurt them. There may or may not be a way to break through that. Even a simple poem might do it. Also, writing is somehow more passive and still gives the receiver the control. They decide if and when to open and read it and what to do with it after that. And in today's fast text message, e-mail world, something hand written is cherished. Just a thought.

I am not a journal person but I have written my daughter many times. I find real comfort in emailing and finding others who are in similar situations. My youngest daughter started writing her feelings out to me. I would read them and respond. Like a mother and daughter journal. She has deep emotions and I have saved all our writings. I think she can be a real help to other adopted kids and adoptive parents. I agree it is hard to see anothers pain when you are in deep pain yourself. It has been helpful to go on the boards and listen to others. I have learned a lot. Thanks for your suggestion. I agree with all you said. The only hard thing was when I wrote or emailed my daughter it was very hard for me not to expect a response. I would get really down for awhile until I was able to let go and accept what is. Just like I recently wrote her birthmom and I haven't received a response. When I pour out my heart I feel like a piece of myself was given and there wasn't any compassion by the receiver. That hurts.