new with questions

I have a few suggestions :) First of all, I have a 13 yr old son in open adoption. I haven't seen him for years but we talk on the phone. He talks to his sister (my oldest daughter) online a lot too. Meeting you would answer many questions he has. It would do him a world of good and knowing my son's curiousity and interests, I believe that HE is the one who wants to meet... No one can convince a teen to do anything if they don't want to ;) Rejection. You would not reject him though. He will not be trying to move in... YOu will meet, and like extended family, depart but keep in touch. Your other kids, they are young. You can just tell them. This is your oldest brother, so and so. You had another son that grew up in a different family. You can tell them he was adopted or tell them you will tell when they are a little older. Explaining adoption involves rather abstract ideas... Sometimes it's best to be simple and short. Regardless, it depends on the children... I think a meeting is the best thing. But then, I think openness is the best thing. Biofamily is a part of him, roots, culture, more love. I have read somwwhere that a value of open adoption is being able to have the access to biofamily whenever the adoptee wants... whether they want it or not it should reliably be there. I think meeting you will give him that kind of security and answer his current question, and the ability to answer later questions. Go for it :) Relax. and Always come talk to us here. Maia

I can tell you 2 things: 1. My children do not accept abstract, and will want to know every detail. They have never accepted abstract and I fear they never will 2. They will ask many questions and not your typical normal questions. I have to be prepared for anything To give an example this summer we had the BIG sex talk with the older two (who are boys). The oldest has never asked too many questions or showed a whole lot of interest. My younger son is forever asking questions about sex and girls. We thought it best to explain it together with both mom and dad there. I had little drawings, read the books, I was prepared or so I thought... For years I have answered any questions they had the best I could so the talk wasn't a huge shock to them. After I was finished explaining I asked if they had questions. My eldest asked: Daddy got an operation so he couldn't have kids, right? I explained what a vasectomy was using my drawings. He was young when Daddy had it done but apparently daddy laying on the couch with ice packs down his sweatpants makes an impression and he remembered!!! Then he went on to say, and after my sister was born (our youngest) you had an operation too, right? I had a hysterectomy and explained to him with the picture what parts were removed and why. Out of the blue he then asks, well if you and daddy can't have babies why do you still have sex? I explained that it's what 2 people who are in love do. I noticed at this point DADDY had developed a bit of a tic.... then my son asks, Well could I watch you and daddy have sex so I will know what to do? ... At his point I see daddy out of the corner of my eyes mumble something about getting a drink of water and leave ... I explained to my son how that was something married couples do in private and wasn't something we were comfortable with our kids watching. I was trying to answer the best I could but GOLLY ... then he asked if I thought Grandma and papa would let him watch. At this point full body shutter went through me.... ewww who wants a vision of their elderly parents.... nevermind!!! Then my younger son pipes up with, " Matt on the bus says if I put my tentacles (he had trouble saying testicles so he says tentacles) in a girl they will fall off." I told him they wouldn't fall off. and HOW ABOUT WE GO RIDE SOME BIKES.... obviously our big talk did not go as planned. Abstract does not work with my boys. On the being healthy for my birth son to meet me. I disagree about not getting a teen to do something they are not ready for. I think if they are indeed pushed by the A parents they will do it. Parents can be very strong motivators in helping a teen decide what is right or wrong. He could be pushed (even with the best intentions) for something he isn't ready for. 18 is still a very tender age for maturity. He may be legal but I have learned with years of age and wisdom, 18 does not make an adult in my book. I want to make sure he is mature and stable enough for the reunion. He does live about 30 minutes away from me so meeting would not be out of the question travel wise. I am not sure what kind of extended family you have but my extended family does not meet and just go off with their life. We are a pretty close knit family and from what the social worker says, my b-son comes from a close knit family. I have raised my children to understand how important family ties are and it's a deeply rooted foundation in their raising. I know the A parents have always been the same about family and how very important it is. This is why I am worried. Will this make him feel betrayed that he missed out on a big part of his family growing up. Will it make him develop resentments? A reunion, I feel, is much more than simply meeting. Not every meeting goes well. There are many times the "child" leaves more hurt and rejected feeling than before. I would hope I wouldn't make him feel that way but on the flip side sometimes the child feels overwhelmed and uncomfortable with more attention than they wanted. Where do you find a happy medium? How do you make sure the reunion is a healthy as well as happy time?

i would think that refusing to meet your son who wanted to meet you would risk a rather bigger rejection and hurt than you comprehend. And no, my family is not closeknit. On my mother's side they have basically always been distant as she was an adoptee (she says she was the black sheep). On my father's side, my mother was an outsider (not from here) and in time, a single parent, and I was never close with anyone who is left alive. Would your son feel close knit family loyalties to you? You won't know until you meet him. And remember, if his parents feel he is ready emotionally to meet you, that is their judgement to make as parents. It seems you are judging their parenting or asserting yours. You must either say, I (You) am prepared to meet or I am not. If your kids aren't ready, than you might leaave them out of the meeting (but that goes against my openness is good idea). You could always ask for a letter. Those are some precocious kids there! Me

Oh I would LOVE to meet my b-son. Please don't think it's my desire not to meet him and have him apart of my life. I just want to make sure it's HIS choosing that he wants to meet me and not someone else pushing him. You stated I was judging the A parents parenting and that is furthest from the truth. When I say SOMEONE I do not say his A parents only. There are many pressures from other family and friends that could sway him into something he isn't ready for. How can I be sure it' s something he HIMSELF wants. Most adoptee's want to meet their birth parents. Is it because they honestly want to be reunited or is it because of pressures from others that they do so. I would never reject my b-son if I knew he wanted to meet me and his sibs. I just have reserves over how healthy the meeting is. Are there times when the meeting is unhealthy to the birth child?

Sorry I'm not being judgemental or not intentionally, I'm trying to be analytical. I look at the situation many ways. I know you are too! I know that some of our great adoptees will come answer your questions. those last few are not questions I can touch. I do know that my mother wanted to meet her family. She called someone once and thinks it was bfamily (on bfather's side) but not certain... always wonders... etc. No one forced her to search. My only advice, I guess, is pray and let the fear / worry/ anxiety out of your heart. Take care

B-momw/question wrote..I just have reserves over how healthy the meeting is. Are there times when the meeting is unhealthy to the birth child? If you are not ready for this.. You are not ready.. They asked you for the contact.. I personally believe us birhtmoms get to take care of ourselves (as well as the adoptee) in reunion.. Say what we are comfortable with or not comfortable with.. I told my kids when they were early teens.. That was when I was comfortable with telling them.. The bson feeling rejected may be the issue foremost in your mind.. How about a long letter telling him about your thoughts and feelings. Jackie

I was thinking the same thing as Jackie. A letter or a journal you can start writing in might be very helpful. It sounds like your bson has two wonderful families with consistent values. The aparents must think he's ready - and they probably know you pretty well after the contact you've maintained. You might want to get some counseling, just to see if you can relax and feel a bit better about it. The counselor might also have some good suggestions for phrasing when you talk to your boys. They sound great by the way. I got a good laugh over the sex talk! (Sort of takes any notion of boring right out of the parenthood scenario, doesn't it?) EJ

I'm here laughing so hard that there are tears rolling down my cheeks . That account of the "Sex Talk" was hilarious! I read it aloud to my D/H. I taught Sex Ed for years so I know that teens can be disarming but your tykes are still so young! As far as the question about meeting your b'son goes, I'd say go with what your heart tells you. Don't try to analyze the situation to death. Nothing is perfect. Think of all the precious time that could be shared with you & your children, his siblings. My son & I were reunited in July ,2003. After a year of relationship building, my son is closer to the eldest sister. The other 2 are taking their time. I figure it's just their ages, but they are all adults. He is 37, the girls are 25, 23 & 19. I figure this part of it is their business. I love the relationship I have with him. Good luck, however you proceed.

First please allow me to say that your account of "The Talk" should be published! :D Thats a made for TV episode for sure.

Now, on to your issue...I am a reunited B-mom and my daughter is 22. I also have a 12.5 year old daughter who I started sharing this info with when she was about 4 or 5. She accepted it and her sister really well, IMO.

My question for you is why you think others are pushing him into reunion and that he simply doesn't have his own desire to meet? Don't you think that if indeed he wasn't ready his parents would sense/hear/know this and protect him just as much as you want to? I am new here but I have yet to read where A-parents ever forced the kid to reunite against his will.

I mean you seem to be focusing on issues you have don't have yet and believe me, reunion has so many that you won't have to look for ones that aren't there.

IMO you should explore your heart carefully and make sure that YOU are ready for reunion and aren't feeling pressure form the family. JMO...Tara