Is having a fundraiser tacky?????

Karenanne: Yes, though I have sympathy for your financial needs, and the emotion involved all around, I think it's inappropriate both because I was raised with the etiquette guide to never ask for money (b-days, graduations, weddings, baby showers), and because of the adoption issue specifically. But then, as an adoptee, perhaps I'm particularly sensitive to this. And as someone who lives in a developing country where some of these babies were born, maybe even a little more so in a funny way that is too complicated to explain here. Thank you Spaypets - I even think that was a problem in the past with domestic adoptions. People used to say that to my parents, or to me even, growing up. Something that it took me years to realize how ingrained that "needing to be grateful" had become.

This is the last time I am responding in this thread because you are using it as your own personal forum. My family is doing a number of fundraisers for our adoption. We are not renting halls or begging for money, but they are still fundraisers. We do not feel it is tacky and THAT IS OUR OPINION. Please note the phrase "our opinion." You have never used that phrase. I think that is a problem because you come across as an authority when it is just YOUR OPINION. If you feel the need to lecture, please PM someone instead of using a thread. I would like to read other people's OPINIONS without your lectures. If you would like to respond to this, use the proper methods. That's good form. Also it is my opinion that if a fundraiser is done right, it does not put a bad light on adoption. It actually celebrates adoption! Our adoption agency encourages fundraisers. I'm sorry if others have had bad experiences, but you can't judge every situation by the past. Good luck Karenanne and anyone else who is fundraising!

This thread is now locked. THere is a certain understanding that all parties involved need to grasp, that is, if you ask a question, you'll get feedback. As administration, I think spaypets was totally in line with giving honest, respectful opinions. She even went as far as to give alternatives!!! It was, however, very disrespectful of drewnsam and Karenanne to be critical of people for their opinions when opinions were specifically asked for... and yes drewnsam, spaypets did say "I think..." in regards to her opinions. This thread will POSSIBLY be unlocked tomorrow.

I totally understand how you feel. I spent $25,000 do an IVF did it 3 times. no baby. I am fortunate that I at the time had 3 children but my husband had 0. Well we were fortunate to be able to adopt my sister's baby. My husband still wants to have a little girl so now we are going to go on and spend another $10,000 for a tubal reversal. NOw first off she isn't buying a car or buying a house. She isn't BUYING anything. She is trying to adopt a child. Trying to have a child to call her own to love. She wants to go from wife to Mommy. Why in the heck does it matter how she does that. Their are people out there that have fundraisers for all sorts of things. Why not have one so one couple can have what they deserve. WHAT YOU ALL ALREADY HAVE. Honey if someone told me if i walked over hot coals or danced naked in the streets would bring me a child if I had none I would do it. I'd do the dosey do on a car in the middle of downtown New York. So you do what you have to to bring your baby home and if some think it's tacky. Well who cares. I think it's tacky that people would even THINK of bashing someone that has had so much heartbreak in her life. And these people actually say God Bless. God would tell you people to give her your coat not just your shirt. You should be ashamed of yourselves.. Christy..

Christy, This "So you do what you have to to bring your baby home and if some think it's tacky. Well who cares. I think it's tacky that people would even THINK of bashing someone that has had so much heartbreak in her life. And these people actually say God Bless. " is an example of disrespect. The original poster DID care what others think, that's why she posted. Some of the same people you have chastised have adopted and been through some serious heartbreak as well. Further posts like that will have the thread closed again and possible restriction of forum use.

I think it is tacky. I know others disagree.

I apologize. I meant no disrespect. All I was saying and should of just said is we do what we have to and try not to be so harsh with her. And in that one sentence I left a word out so it made me come across tacky myself. I just see so many come on here and ask for help and see them get beat down. I guess I added to it. I will no longer defend and stick to asking my own questions I need answered because I do the defending and I stand alone. Again I apologize to all of those I upset.

I have always felt uncomfortable asking others for money and so have avoided doing it for most of my life but 5 1/2 years ago I let some well meaning friends direct me to do exactly what I didn't feel comfortable doing. It came back to haunt me and still to this day makes me sick to my stomach. My husband and I managed to raise through donations close to $10,000 to bring home twin baby girls from Sierra Leone back in 1999 (we borrowed the rest of what we needed). We did not hold an event but wrote letters to every friend and family member that we have and through their generosity managed to finance this adoption. But while we were in Senegal in spring of 2000 waiting for the twins to be brought to us a war broke out in Sierra Leone and they were stopped by rebels as they attempted to escape the war. We never heard what happened to them, they might as well have disappeared off the face of the earth. They are gone and we came back to the US empty handed and broken hearted. Now we had no money, it was gone just like our babies were gone, spent on this adoption that had become our worst nightmare. I was so embarassed that all the money that had been donated had disappeared into thin air through no fault of our own and I vowed I would NEVER ask again for donations. I am not saying that this will happen to you but you must be aware that some adoptions do fail. How will you feel if your attempt to adopt fails and the money that was donated to you disappears? All of my friends have told me time and again that the money was donated because people loved us and they understood the situation. No one held it against us but that doesn't change the way it makes me feel even today when I think of it. I rarely write of my experience because it still is painful for me to recall but I thought I should caution you as you begin your fundraisers. We do have a happy ending to our story. We started over the summer of 2002 and used a home equity loan and a credit card with a low apr to finance our daughter's adoption. Our daughter came home last summer (2003) from Liberia and she is everything we have ever dreamed of and hoped for. I have no regrets in going in debt to adopt our daughter and wish now that we had waited just a little longer until we had the equity in our home to use. I hope none of this offends you but did want to give you a different perspective from someone who had BTDT. Nanita

I am so sorry for what happened to you Nanita. My heart goes out to you. I also wanted to chime in that IMHO it's way tacky and can backfire. You ask for opinions and I guess just wanted validation however on this forum you'll always get a number of diverse and well thought out opinions from people. If you don't think it's tacky go ahead but now you know what other people may think.

When my husband and I decided to adopt internationally we went to three different seminars for 3 different adoption agencies to decide which agency to go through. They all seemed to follow the same format. When it came to discussing the financial end of things each and every one of them mentioned fundraising as a way to finance your adoption if you wanted to adopt internationally but could not come up with the monies right away. A lot of times a family can well afford to raise a child, but can not afford the international fees, etc. The $10,000 tax credit is great, but as we all know only helps after the fact. I just thought it would be a little food for thought that these agencies have mentioned the fundraising otherwise we would not have known about it had we not gone to this adoption forum.

I have to say I agree with spay pets. And don't think she should be jumped on for her opinion. We have no children yet and have made a lot of lifestle changes to pay off our fertility bills, no cable, no holiday gifts, no dinners out, etc. My father offered to assist us with some of the adoption expenses knowing how much we've spent so we have been incredibly lucky. But I should also add that when we sat down with him and broke down the expenses his response was "so you basically need me to pay for you to take a vacation to China!". Because so much of the expense with international adoption goes toward travel I would be uncomfortable holding a fund raiser, because it can be viewed as a "vacation", even though those of us involved view it VERY differently. We had assistance offered to us by family (and again, I know how fortunate we are to have this option )but it was very uncomfortable explaining and justifying the money being applied to air fare, hotels, and tours of the great wall. I would think it would be even more uncomfortable to ask for money from friends and have them feel they are funding a luxury trip, these are the same people that you are most likely going to be sharing all of your pictures, etc, with. Just a thought and perspective.

In my mind, each family situation is obviously quite different. We considered fundraising with family only. In the end we decided against it. We thought of any specific message or undercurrents that the child may receive later in life. As we are adopting internationally, I thought about some of the more subversive messages related to White priviledge and the message that we are "saving" these adopted children. This may not be relevant for every situation, but some of our family members are already prone toward thinking that what we are doing is great charity. We decided against fundraising primarily because we don't want this message, either overtly or subvertly, to reach our children later in life and we don't want to reinforce it in any way now. We have also considered fundraising specifically for the orphanage our child will come from rather than for the adoption. In order to avoid the same message of "what a great thing we are doing for these children" we decided to mention it as an option to family members who seem ready for the notion. Again, every situation and every family is different. Heather

I totally agree with Spay Pets. Asking people outside of your family to pay for the adoption of a child is pretty tasteless. It makes more sense to ask family members since the adopted child will become a part of the family. After all if you can't afford adoption, then can you really afford a child? What if the child you adopt ends up having special problems that your insurance do not cover? What then? Will you do fundraisers for that? I've heard a lot of people make the comment that adoption is a function of their infertility which was not their choice and therefore somehow entitles them to expect that their friends, families and strangers should chip in for their adopted child (or at least have no opinion about their fundraiser). The point they miss is that while the infertility may not have been their choice, adoption is their choice - no forces your hand on that one. If you choose to adopt, good for you. But it is still your choice. It is not a life or death decision. It is NOT the same as getting treatment for cancer. Not adopting a child will not kill you. It is therefore a "want" not necessarily a "need". As such, I believe it should be handled the way all needs are handled. When you are able to afford something buy it. When you are not able to afford something, save for it. And please, do not try to guilt trip people into donating money for your adoption (I am sure you have much better taste than that, but unfortunately I have heard one too many stories of others who did guilt trip people for money). The worst one I've heard is "saying it's God's will" and making guilt inducing statements in adoption letters about how you have to create a family and cannot have one naturally like others while also telling people they didn't have to pay as much for their children that they had naturally so therefore they should help you pay for yours. Just my opinion, but please think about it. I know we have decided to go about fund raising the old fashion way and just save and cut back. No letter writing campaigns in our home...

It depends on how the fundraiser is handled. My husband and I are adopting our first child (as in, we have no biological children) from Ethiopia. The cost of international adoption is astronomical (from our socioeconomic perspective). Should a child not be adopted because we can't afford it? I'd rather risk being tacky and adopt a child than offend a few people. And while I'm being tacky, I might as well share the link to our auction! [url=http://www.partonadoption.blogspot.com]Beauty out of Dust[/url]

A friend of mine just had a successful fundraiser for her future boob job, something she has ALWAYS wanted. I don't see it being any more tacky than that. It's what she wanted, and in her case it worked. Of course some feel a bit of ownership towards her boobs, so keep that in mind LOL