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ok i posted this sob story on another board and got no responses...please dear god, even if you're going to tell me i suck at life, please say something!!
I'm not a teenage pregnancy by any means, but this is basically just as bad. I'm 22 and 6 weeks along.
My boyfriend is incredibly immature and has had intense substance abuse problems for years. He's been clean for two months now and considering the circumstances I wish I had never taken him back. I don't have a very supportive family, I was sleeping from couch to couch until begging my mother to let me come home. I was working an insane amount of hours until I found out I was pregnant and had a little breakdown and quit. So now I'm not working but so constantly sick that I can barely walk around the house, nevermind get a full-time job.
I feel so guilty knowing that I'm speaking to a lot of women who have tried for a long time and want a child more than anything in the world. I'm really sorry that people like myself exist and allow unplanned pregnancies to happen.
I think of abortion a lot but know deep down I could never ever do it. I wish that I didn't have emotions and could just make things easier like that, but easier doesn't make it right and I could never live with myself. I'm soooo scared and everytime I try to find resources online for young unplanned pregnancies, I find sites that are all about praying and blah blah blah. I can be all spiritual with my head up in the clouds about this but that isn't going to feed or clothe my baby. I'm in really horrible living circumstances and like I said, I'm not a teenager but I'm in such a horrible position in life and feel like there's no help out there. And I need help. I'm so alone, I refuse to let my child grow up around his/her father knowing the kind of person he is and the impact that could have on his/her life.
Then there's adoption but I'm already so connected to this baby that I know when the time comes I won't be able to do it. I'm not strong enough.
I am just really hoping someone will offer some advice because I haven't really opened up to anyone about this. I've never felt so alone and scared in my life. I'm not scared of the responsibilty of having a child...I will do whatever is in my power to ensure this child has everything it needs...but I'm just afraid that I don't HAVE any power.
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Yes, I have seen Riding In cars with boys. In fact I have the movie, and when It first came out I watched it all the time. She kept her son. and yes, things were hard but what good thing comes easy in life. I could never recommend to anyone giving a child up unless they were 12 or under and homeless. Not a grown 22 year old woman who may be just a little scared right now.
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WhoDoILookLike
There will be nothing that you could ever say to that baby as to why you didn't tough it out and stay around to show him/her love. There is just NO excuse. Once again this is just one opinion. This is coming from someone who was put up at birth. I don't care what the reason was. I still feel like I was not important enough to be loved by my natural parents. You ay think that you are giving your baby up so that he/she can have a better life but that baby may infact have a worse life than you could ever imgine giving him/her. Okay maybe I came n too strong but it's just my opinion. Do your own thing. Better yet, DO THE RIGHT THING.
WhoDoILookLike
I could never recommend to anyone giving a child up unless they were 12 or under and homeless. Not a grown 22 year old woman who may be just a little scared right now.
Hi, I think what the adoptee was saying, is that even though for the bmom it was the right decision, that you did what you felt you had to do. That you are happy or content with your decission.. that doesn't mean when the adoptee is grown he/she will feel that way. A few adoptees with great family's still don't understand why they were given up. Specially if the bmom is over 21. With all the help that is out there they find it hard to understand why anyone old enough would give up a child. Now we birth mothers know sometimes it has to be. Some of us didn't have a choice. Depending on the year and age we were at the time.
Please remember that an adoptee can be well loved and happy and still feel that the bmom should have kept them or didn't try hard enough. It is just how they feel.
Teri
coco46
WhodoI...Wow. As a birthmother who made an adoption plan when I was 22, I can only say...wow. I am so stunned by your blanket generalizations regarding adoption that I don't even know where to begin. As you stated, these things are "your opinions", and you're certainly entitled to them. However, your comments were hurtful, IMO.
If you'll notice, in my first post on this thread, I encouraged Hunni to choose the path that was right for her (she seemed to be definitely leaning toward parenting). Some women are ready to parent at age 22, or even younger. Many women do an outstanding job of it, in fact. I wasn't one of those women, and I have to tell you, I resent the implication that I somehow didn't "DO THE RIGHT THING" for my bdaughter by choosing to give her a stable and loving family. I wasn't 12 and homeless (thereby, according to your post, disqualifying me from being able to justify my decision) but I made the best choice I could for her at the time, because at that point in my life, I WAS NOT READY OR ABLE TO PARENT. I'm sad that you've had negative experiences that are related to adoption, but please don't lump every birthmother/father/adoptee/afamily into an example to illustrate YOUR story.
Also, I balk at the notion that "Riding in Cars With Boys" should be considered some sort of testament to the merits of young, single motherhood. I watched the movie, and frankly, it really reaffirmed for me that I had made the CORRECT choice for my bdaughter and I. I would hate to think I'd kept her with me only to bitterly blame her for whatever went wrong in my life throughout her childhood and into her young adult years, as the mother in that movie did with her son.
Hunni, IMO, the RIGHT THING is to do what you feel in your heart. Whether that's parenting or adoption, only you can know what's right for you. There are losses in adoption, as there are sacrifices in single parenting (or trying to parent with a partner who has their own issues), but there are also rewards and joys in each choice. I hope you're still here with us and that your choice, whatever it may be, will bring you peace.
wow hunni I really hope you don't feel that badly about all this, I gave my daughter up for adoption a year ago and let me tell you people who can't have children adore b-mothers I gave two wonderful people a chance to have a family. They love and charish my baby and love me too hope everything work out for you. The pregnancy will get better I worked two jobs and went to school full- time while pregnant still couldn't afford anything desirable for my child but I don't regret it and I definetly don't hate myself for it. Things will get better.
Hello, I can tell you this much that you have the power and You can give your child what kind of life you want for he or she. It is up to You to decide what that life is to be. You have many choices. Look into those choices. Decide what is best for you. And ask others for their assistance and take care of yourself this is a stressful time. God bless you.
Terrie
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Hey girl-
Just because a person is in their Teens doesn't make being pregnant more legit...it doesn't matter what age you are...the fact is is that you are pregnant and scared. I was 20 years old when I found out I was pregnant and almost 21 when I placed little Anna for adoption. Your situation isn't much different than mine. I WISHED I HADN'T taken the guy I got pregnant from back either....he was SUCH a jerk...he didn't want to marry me I HAD TO BEG HIM TO PROPOSE :eek: ....and that became a joke...hey if you need support I am here for you!! I would really like to continue talking to you because I know where you are coming from. Don't even consider abortion....I have done research on it since I gave birth and it's a nasty predicament to get yourself into...when I got pregnant getting an abortion never even crossed my mind....being courageous and having the (nad keeping it) or placing it with parents who will take care if it is the much better decision.....
It's scary when you are pregnant and you have no support from what people call (birthfather) I prefer to use [EDITED TO REMOVE OFFENSIVE TERM] It's hard when they don't support you. My SP ended up not talking to me for 6 months during my pregnancy...and actually I am grateful for that.
I will pray for you. You should pray too, because God will listen and let you know what you should do.
-Deborah
Hi Hunni-
I was in a situation like yours when I was 19. My boyfriend at the time was a drug user and dealer. I was so naive at the time that I didn't even realize he was using and dealing until I was already pregnant. I was going to community college part time and working full time. I knew that the boyfriend was useless, and I couldn't possibly do it on my own. I thought about placing the baby for adoption, but I knew that my Dad would be SO hurt and embarrased to see his 19 year old single daughter pregnant. ( My Mom passed away when I was 15)
I eventually decided to have an abortion. I did not take the decision lightly. I had a lot of guilt, but I knew that baby would have had a hard life.
I eventually finished college, married, and had my son when I was 29. Being a parent is a tough job, and even now that I am more mature, and can support myself, I wouldn't be a good single parent.
Also, I think adoption is a wonderful gift to both the baby and the adoptive parents. I am adopted myself, and I have a niece who is adopted. Both long stories, but I would be happy to answer any questions about those stories too.
Good Luck to you, whatever you decide. If you do decide to parent, I hope you will get lots of help from your family and friends.
Well you sound like a strong girl everyone makes choices in there life and once its out there you can't take it back. But you just need to maybe find out about programs in your area.There is no shame in excepting help from the state theres WIC, houising and food stamps avaliable to you. You don't have to do it alone there are so many places you can go to get help start in the yellow pages and no matter what choice you make it will be the best one for you. Help is out there and avalible all you have to do is ask. always PalicT
Hello,I felt all your pain when I read your post. And you asked for advice I think I have something to offer. When I was pregnant with my son I was 16 ( your 22) and I felt the same way. My living situation was not good at all. I was moving from foster home to foster home at the time. I knew I wasn't going to give him up for adoption because I went through that and was the worst thing in the world to go through. And I knew I couldn't do the abortion thing so I kept him. And I'm glad I did. There are ways to take care of your baby even if your the unwealthiest person on this earth. The state has programs that you can get into for housing, food, and pampers for you and your kid. You might feel down in the dumps now but keep you head up. Your not a bad person. Everyone goes through the stage of wondering what if. Please take everything I said to heart. And remember how I was telling I was being moved around at the time I was pregnant? Well I'm 20 right now and I have my own house and I raise my son almost 100% by myself. I know you can do everything I have done and more!!! I'm now pregnant with my second kid and yes it was unplanned and yes I also felt like you do now.
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Hunni
From another amom I am thankful for women like you and so many others who have considered adoption as a lifeplan for had it not been for the love and sacrifices a birthmom makes for their child I would not have my 17 mos old son and neither would alot of other adoptive parents. I can tell that back in high school a very close friend of mine had an abortion and I went with her..... to this day she wonders about the life she ended.. and she still hears her own screams along with the screams of others that night in a NY hospital. I can also remember it like it was yesterday and it is not something I wish for anyone to have to live with. I am not here to tell you what to do but all I can do is offer you advice and support and this is genuine, I have NO other intentions and this is NOT a solicitation.
You need to follow your heart.... you have time..... do you have any family support or someone you can bounce things off of or just vent too?? Have you thought about counseling?
If you ever want to just feel free to PM me or drop me a line at Poogiebr@ptd.net and this goes for anyone at all.
I have been involved in the adoption journey for 4 years and I have a few good friends of mine who are birthmoms who decided to parent that I still keep in contact with.
Wishing you all the best and know you are NOT a bad person at all ....... things happen for a reason, trust me they do!
Jen
hunni, first and foremost stop beating yourself up that does no one any good most of all you and your unborn child. Things happens, the best laid plans and ideas often do not materialize, accidents happen, not mistakes no baby planned or otherwise is a mistake.I am an adoptee, and believe me I was no mistake, my mom couldn't give me the life she wanted for me but she loved me enough to give me a chance at that life by letting someone adopt me, for that I will always be grateful and my love for her will never waver.I have no ideas, no suggestions, no real help or advice other than get off line and get in person with someone that can help you, some that can guide, comfort you with more than a cyber hug, though you have one of those from me.Don't close you heart and mind to God either, for whatever reason you are with child, you have purpose and so does the child, God knows that and if we as mere mortals cannot see it then shame on us!I wish you luck in whatever your decision, you are in my prayers and thougts. Good Luck, best wishes, and hopeful answers to you soon!Julie
I'm 20 years old and I might not completely understand how you are feeling right now... If I were in your situation I know I would be feeling the same way, thinking about abortion but knowing i couldn't do that, and being scared of adoption. But adoption can turn a seemingly horrible situation into a beautiful gift for someone else, while at the same time knowing you are giving your baby a better quality of life than you can provide for it right now. My mom and stepdad are just starting the process of trying to adopt a newborn. My step dad is much younger than my mom and never had kids. We are a really close family, I also have a younger sister too. Right now they are not having much luck getting in touch with birth mothers, every situation seems to be falling through. They even installed a toll free phone number in our house, so even if birthmothers don't have money to call, the call is free. They want to love and raise a child so badly and I hate to see them getting discouraged about it. If you are even considering adoption, please please email you and i can give you the telephone number. Even if birthmothers call and arent sure about adoption, my mom stays on the phone with them for hours sometimes and talks to them about how they are feeling and what their options are. Even if you just need someone your age to talk to, please send me an email :o)
kriss7797
I'm 20 years old and I might not completely understand how you are feeling right now... If I were in your situation I know I would be feeling the same way, thinking about abortion but knowing i couldn't do that, and being scared of adoption. But adoption can turn a seemingly horrible situation into a beautiful gift for someone else, while at the same time knowing you are giving your baby
Please, babys are not gifts to be given away if you are not ready to parent. adoption can be wonderful.. but it is not always right for everyone
a better quality of life than you can provide for it right now. My mom and stepdad are just starting the process of trying to adopt a newborn. My step dad is much younger than my mom and never had kids. We are a really close family, I also have a younger sister too. Right now they are not having much luck getting in touch with birth mothers,
?? question, do you mean they haven't been introduced to a mother to be? a pregnant woman? No one is a birthmother until they give up a baby for adoption. Are they going though an agency? they could be matched up that way.
every situation seems to be falling through. They even installed a toll free phone number in our house, so even if birthmothers don't have money to call, the call is free. They want to love and raise a child so badly and I hate to see them getting discouraged about it. If you are even considering adoption, please please email you and i can give you the telephone number. Even if birthmothers call and arent sure about adoption, my mom stays on the phone with them for hours sometimes and talks to them about how they are feeling and what their options are. Even if you just need someone your age to talk to, please send me an email :o)
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Just curious but thought we aren't allowed according to the rules to solicit anyone...... Kriss' post sure says it right out........ JMO
This young woman has enough on her plate to deal with as it is. I just want to say Hunni .... you do what you feel in your heart is best for this precious life you were given to carry and for yourself. There are plenty of places who can and will help you and no matterwhat you decide I'm behind you.
Only you can make this decision, so please get some counseling or if you are more comfortable talk with your Pastor or call one of the many hotlines or pregnancy centers..... but do not let anyone talk you into anytihng you are not comfortable with.
You and your baby will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Jen
