Question for Reunited bMoms

I am 26 yrs. and aldo a NEW ORLEANS Adoptee! (small world). I was reading the thread and I wanted to talk to you and address some issues. First about yourself - I think that it is normal for an adoptee to at some point feel not loved by anyone (birth and adopted births). I have felt that way before, however its not normal to stay in that feeling. You need to feel go about yourself and existence even if it was true that NO ONE loves you (which I'm sure is not true...I feel such a bond just reading your threads). And another thing, on your birthday, I am so sad that you do not like your birthday. You know the way that I feel about my birthday is just thankful, thankful that I did get a chance to experience life, make choices and have a bed to sleep in. My life has not always been roses but what has come of my life is the outcome of my own choices (other than the one to be born). I haven't found my birthmother, I put my name on these registries and I often wonder the same things that you do ... what happend? why? does she care? does she even think about me? could she have forgotten? maybe she's ignorant (to be nice) and does know how to use the internet. I don't know. But you need to look at things in another light. Find the good in the bad. After all, you've made it this far! And if you b'mom did have one kid and then gave you for adoption then I imagine that she had a taste of parenthood and at that time couldn't handle it by herself - and that is NOT a bad thing. Trust me because I have three kids under four years old and its hard - especially if you didn't have any support. Anyway respect and be thankful for the desicions that she made even if you don't understand. I'll keep looking for my ghost ;) Tiffany Tiffanylsu@hotmail.com

Veronique wrote..Did you say you have reunited already with your birthson? Did you find him or was it the other way around? How long did it take you to get the courage to look? I can't remember. Memory lane.. I relinquished him in 1965.. In Florida.. I moved back to Canada a year later.. Toronto. I did not come out of the secrecy till the very early nineties. I was locked up in my home.. I only went out when I had to do household things.. I wore black all the time.. I started to learn about Adult Children of Alcoholic.. I started to learn about why.. Why I gave him up.. I finally faced my guilt.. I got some therapy.. A wonderful woman helped me.. I contacted the agency a few years after that.. I sent a letter open for contact.. I called the Florida Registry place and sent all those papers in.. I sent stuff to ISSR.. Then I started searching the search sites on the net.. I put my old compuserve email address everywhere.. Probably around 1997. He found my 'message in a bottle' late 1999. I had given up on all those search messages.. I had changed email addresses.. For some strange reason I went back to Compuserve.. and they gave me my old email address back.. And that email came.. There it was.. A Florida search site.. He found me.. I was able to type up my non identifying info.. My right to have.. He said it was a match.. I phoned him the next morning.. What joy. We met about a year later.. He lives on the other side of the country.. My husband was working in Vancouver and we drove and met him.. and the kids and his wife.. Just after that he had a business trip to Toronto..I was able to take him to meet my dad in the nursing home.. He sat next to my dad.. He phones me and we email.. I am working up the courage to call him.. Jackie

Veronica, I'll just speak to sharing bad things in your past. I'm also an adoptee (44 years old) in contact with b-mom for a few months. I had one letter from her and she disappeared. She had said that I sounded perfect, and her life wasn't something she was proud of. Well, I had to wonder had I done the wrong thing. Should I have told her about my promiscuity and love of the drug culture of the seventies? I only told her about my good life growing up with decent parents. Maybe she didn't see where she could fit into my life. So, when I found her again -- just this week, I decided to share just a line or two about all that and a failed abusive marriage. She needs to know that I'm not perfect as none of us are. I don't want her to fear that I won't think she is good enough. She's expressed that!! So, I know everyone is telling you NOT to share, but I'd think about it long and hard. You don't have to make it sound like it was her fault or anything -- just a fact of life. Plenty of young people do things they regret later on. Keep an open mind and hopefully she will too.

The problem I have is that I have never really done anything I can actually say I regret. I know I am just a big nerd. I really have never done drugs or drank heavily. To be honest, I do not even want to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage. I just know that problems that occur when people do things like that. I have seen how it affects life. I see how it affected my life. Because my birthmother made that mistake, I always knew I did not want to do the same thing. I never wanted to be promiscuous or go with the crowd. I tried very hard to stay away from that. All I can tell her is that I am a senior in college, i work seasonal at Disney World in Orlando, and i am going to grad school next year. I have no boyfriend, b/c in a way I am scared to get to close to a guy for those same reasons. I don't really want to go to grad school, but i do want to make a good living then have a family if I decide to. What am i supossed to tell her if i meet her? My life is pretty dull. I have not many friends and a low self esteem so i stick to myself. Sometimes i feel that i was affected not k nowing who i was as a kid or why i was given away. I just wouldn't know what to tell this woman at all. As a small kid, I wasn't the greatest. I wasn't too nice to my mom. I used to tell her that I didnt have to do what she said, b/c she wasn't my real mom. Did you ever tell your mom that? Of course, i don't do that anymore. My only problem now is that i have struggle from depression, which i have been to counseling for in the past. she probably doesnt want to hear about my sappy little life. I KNOW i am not perfect by far but to most people my life does sound corny. Thanks for listening Veronica

Veronica.. Knowing the relinquished son or daughter is okay and on a good life path is beyond wonderful.. I know when I found out my son was okay I found peace.. I kept telling myself.. He's okay.. He's okay. Dealing with issues of abandoment has got to be expected.. You did go through that.. I find that to be part of any adoptees life.. Even if they express it or not.. I like you.. I like the way you post.. I hope and pray you get a good reunion. Jackie

It was stated in my non-identifying info that my birthmother showed some disappointment about having to place me. Does that mean she was disappointed in herself or did she really not want to relinquish me? I thought disappointment was a strange word they used in the report. I have heard sadness, remorse and depressed but never disappointed. What would they mean? I tend to think too much, so I take it to mean several meanings. How do we (the adoptees) know that the info is correct)? Veronica

I don't know what kind of info they give in different agencies. I'm from Ontario, Canada and my agency ( Children's Aid society) gave basic info and a few background information ( how many siblings, parents my mother had etc...). I always assume the information is correct, otherwise i wouldn'T see the point of lying or submitting incorrect information. I guess the choice of words is important so the adoptee doesn't feel rejected by gaining information. It might be sugar-coated or it might not, difficult to say. Maybe the term " disapointed" means she didn'T want to give up something she gave birth too and loved for months? OR that circumstances couldn'T make it work? Who knows. Marc-Andr 24 year old adoptee Ottawa, Canada

I wouldn't over think it. Usually the non-id info comes directly from reports written by a social worker. The social worker may have a limited vocabulary and disappointed was the best word she could come up with. Another worker might have written it totally different. There is one point I want to mention to you as you are very young. I, too, would have liked to know about my mother at a younger age, but I'm not sure I would have been ready not to mention her. Being a mother and having some life experience has helped me to better understand things. If you pursue finding your mother, don't take it too personally if now is not the right time for her. You are, I am assuming, her first-born child. She may have had other children after you. Those children may still be in the home. She will have to consider what a reunion with you at this point would do to them. Not to belittle you or your relevance in her life, but she has to think of them as they are likely still juveniles. I don't know, as I've grown older, I've come to think less about what adoption has done to me and more about what it did to my birth mother. It sounds like you are forging a successful life for yourself. I hope your mother was able to do the same after relinquishing you. Just try to give her some consideration. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision to place you for adoption. I'm sure she wanted the best for you. I've never heard of a mother giving up a child because she "hated" that child. Kimberly

I was not my birthmother's first child. She kept her 2 year old son, who is my brother. I know she may be going through a lot and after the adoption, but that does not help fill the emptiness I have inside me. I at least deserve to know my brother. The adoptees seem like the only ones who have say so in the whole process. It's hard b/c i do not really feel like I fit in at home and i know I could never fit in with my biological family, b/c they didn't raise me. I feel like I fit in no where. My life is probably going to always be affected by my adoption no matter the outcome. I think a lot of it had to do with how I was treated as a child by some of my family members. My mom's parents always made me feel different, so that only intensified my curiosity to know the people I actually came from. Does that make sense? Veronica

Makes perfect sense to me. I felt the same. My parents were great, but it was the "others." My grandfather had to put a special stipulation in his will for his adopted grandchildren because some of my aunts and uncles thought we shouldn't be included. Whenever my brother and I acted up as kids (even though other kids did the same), someone would always say, "Well, what do you expect, they're adopted." Just looking different was cause enough to feel different. We were each relinquished in different decades, but we feel much the same. Not knowing from whence you came can have a deep impact on a sensitive soul. I'm fortunate that at least I know that in 1960 young women didn't really have any choices. I understand for you there are more questions. Do you know for sure that she kept the older child? Maybe that child was in foster care or in the care of relatives or even the father. You just don't know. I feel for you. We've all been dealt a crappy hand with adoption. It's up to us how we let it affect us in our adult lives. Take care, Kimberly

It was stated in my non-identifying info that she moved out of her parents home when her son was 2 months. It was too stresfull for her. Her parents were often critical of her. and he stayed with her godparents when she was in the maternity home. she didn't even go into the maternity home until like 4 1/2 months pregnant. She stayed with friends until then. I know that I must not be a complete secret. Wouldn't you think her friends know about me. Why didn't she let her godparents keep me too? I don't erally understand why split up your children. Maybe she didn't like my father and didn't want me. Veronica New Orleans adoptee 12/21/81

I keep hearing you say that you think she didn't want YOU. But, you were NOT you when she relinquished you. She gave up a child that for some reason she didn't feel equiped to raise. It was about her, not you. She was young like you are now. It's an age where young people are very self involved. In 1981, there still weren't many single moms out there, and there was still shame in having a child outside of marriage. You can only guess and read between the lines of your non-id info. That's too bad because I'm sure it doesn't give a complete picture of what was going on. I hope that if you find her, you will let her explain things to you at her own pace. Be open to hearing what she has to say. She doesn't need to be condemned. In 1981, she could have made a choice to abort the child she carried. She chose not to do that. As a result, the world has a young woman who will be a successful member of society -- you. BTW, I'm in a group of birth moms and adoptees that were in maturnity homes. The moms are great. The loss of their children through adoption has been something that has followed them throughout their lives. The pain of losing their children doesn't disappear. But, they all seem to have such wonderful souls. Have you posted to any birth moms on the forum? I think it would be helpful to you to do so. It would give you an opportunity to hear about what adoption feels like from the other side. Just a thought, Kimberly

I too am an adoptee and was a bit worried when i read into my non-identifying information that soon after my birth my biological mother was depressed and needed medical help to get out of it. I find that very worrysome because i don't know how to interpret that. Also, if one day i decide to search, i'm not sure that is a good idea because it might cause her more pain or bring back painful moments? I understand from a birth mothers point of view that adoption might not be easy but should i be worried that a form or another of depression can follow ( at least for a little while)? Depression might be genetic so i guess i should be watchful of that.. or is it a bit "natural" to feel like that after giving birth and adopting? Marc-Andr, 22 Ottawa, Ontario

I have heard from other birthmothers, who did care a great deal for the child they relinquished. I know they loved their child, but they're just not my birthmother. Will the feeling or being unwanted ever go away? Will I ever be able to have a relationship with a man? I feel like even when people tell me they like me or love me it's just not true. I cling to friends and get frustrated when I don't hear from them or they don't call me. Why is it so hard to live normally like my other friends without having to think about all this? What can I do for myself other than take anti depressents? Veronica

Veronique Women have posted in these forums that they have given up the second child because they know they can not cope with raising two children on their own. They do not/did not have the confidence in themselves to do it.. And they may have been right.. As another poster has said.. Its not about you personally.. its about the situation.. The guilt can take a person to their knees.. It can stop a person from feeling any kind of feeling around the child given up.. I know I did not allow the guilt feelings to come out.. I did not talk about it.. I did not sort it.. And I still have trouble with it.. I believe that the big lesson of my life is/was to come to terms with giving my son up for adoption.. Maybe your big lesson is how to really sort the rejection you feel.. Try and understand the why of it.. Jackie