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I have been feeling guilty about how I feel about my bmom; I sought her out about 2 years ago and we met and "got caught up"--I found out all the particulars about my birth and what she was going through--all of it not really good: drugs, out-of-wedlock birth, etc, etc. I meet with her a few times over the holidays the first year but I always had this nagging feeling like I was being suffocated or something or I was just meeting her out of obligation or guilt. I've been trying to step back and really think about how I feel about all of it and I think it comes down to this: I am not sorry I sought her out, I'm glad I meet her, but I don't think I have room or want to make room in my life for her. I have a family--my adopted family and a wonderful family of my own, lots of hobbies and activities to keep me super busy. I don't think she has any outside interests besides working (and smoking, which I abhor). If I didn't look like her, I would swear we are NOT related--we have hardly anything in common. Our whole lives--socioeconomically, educationally, etc. have been completely different. So I guess my question for other adoptees is: has anyone else felt this way and if so, what did you do? Did you continue a relationship out of "obligation" or did you say "forget it"? I don't know what to do; I feel so torn. I don't "need" the relationship I think the way she "needs" it and I feel so much pressure from her I think that's part of it. Any others experiences would be appreciated. I want to do the right thing and I think part of my guilt comes from having been the one to seek her out; I am grateful for being adopted and I had in my mind's eye that my goal was to meet her and tell her that. I guess I really didn't picture a relationship after that...Don't relationships usually have something other than just some DNA in common to keep them going for the long haul????
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Hello- I had a brief reunion with my b-father (mine with my b-mom is going better) and it was something like this. My a-family like your's is good and overall my life is full. I made the comment once (to b-dad) our lives were very different, it went south from there. My b-father's wife nit-picked me to death and said I should have more respect and call him dad and, none of that was going to happen from me. My point, he was very much the opposit of my daddy, my dad is a God fearing man not my b-father, my b-father fathered 12 kids my dad 0 he just had me. My daddy has worked at a job for 25yrs. my b-father works when he feels like it. Get the picture. My life is my life and I won't change it, I didn't expect him to change his just because I found him. Ultimately, his wife did some nasty things said horrible things to me and I defended myself. We left things decent between he and I but, She robbed me of any relationship with him at all, but I put him off a little in the beginning, I couldn't let the found b-father infiltrate my life, he wasn't good for me as a baby or as an adult. This time I had to protect myself. It sounds to me like you just have to set your bounderies. That doesn't mean kick her out of her life, just find a comfortable place for her. Good luck. :)
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everything else is second nature. You searched, you found, now what will you do after finding. Although your life is different from theirs, remember they gave it too you, and remember your birth father is not your dad, nor will he ever be, he gave that chance up. This is all about you and what you want, it is your decission and your decission alone as to what happens next. Never feel gulity for having searched, you had that right, and can't be blamed. The rest of this relationship is up to you to decide. And that is the facts of the case. bprice215
A relationship is never just about one person. If you want any kind of relationship at all, it will involve the other party. However, you absolutely have the right to decide if you want a relationship or not. Sounds to me like you really don't. The guilt thing isn't good for you. Put it away and walk bodly toward what you want. You deserve that.
I met my birthfather 6 years ago,and have not continued our relationship.We have nothing in common,and he and I are SO DIFFERENT!!!
My dad is also a God Fearing Man who loves me to death.My bfather is the opposite of my dad,and wanted to be my dad at this late age.
It is up to you whether or not you will continue the relationship.You certainly are not obligated to do so.It may be best to be cordial and kind and move on for awhile.Perhaps an occasional email just to keep connected may be good???
You should do whatever you feel comfortable with. To tell you the truth I never felt comfortable with my bmom either. She still calls and talks on the phone once in awhile, but I don't know if I honestly feel any sort of connection to her. I hated her for awhile, but I knew that was pointless, so I just decided to focus on positive things instead.
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