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I have had so many bad birthdays over the years, I'm always disappointed, upset with whoever I'm with, upset with the people who forgot my birthday, I don't feel special and I'm convinced that no one cares about me.
It has bothered me for soooooo long, but I feel relieved that I understand it, because it was only worse the more I avoided it.
One reason I hate my birthday is because its a celebration of the day I was born and then placed in a nursery just sitting there because my birth mom didn't want to get attached by holding me. It annoys me that this reason even bothers me, but it definitely does.
People who aren't adopted have great stories about the day they were born and how all these people came and see them and held them and theres pictures. Yeah that doesn't really exist if you're adopted.
It bothers me to celebrate the day I was "born" when I feel like I was a mistake and I shouldn't be here. Because if this, I'm over-sensitive to people who I feel are rejecting me, especially if it's near my birthday.
It makes me wonder about my birth parents (now just my birth father, because I'm in contact with my birth mom, which has helped.) When I didn't know my birth mom, it used to bother me wondering if she was thinking about me.
I also feel like my birth parents don't have any "real" connection to my birthday. They weren't informed that I was born until a few days later when I was able to be adopted. So I don't feel like the day truly feels the same to them. It's probably also different for them because its a day that they really had nothing to do with them so they may feel left out. They weren't there, they didn't know details, etc.
I also get disappointed. I always hope this is the year that will be different, this is the year that I will be happy on my birthday and feel special. Then, my expectations are so high that it never happens.
My birthday is in 3 days, and it's been bothering me for over a month. I feel better that I have accepted what is bothering me instead of avoiding it. I know that this year, I will hope just like every year that this birthday could be different.
Does anyone else feel similar about their birthdays? Anyone else have other reasons that their birthday bothers them?
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Yep, Phillies89, I understand.
I never wanted the extra attention birthdays brought. There was always a cake and my a-family acted as tho it was a special day.
I often wondered why I couldn't be left alone to hide in my grief and loss. I knew that I was suspect and tainted, why all the smiles and attempts to be nice on 1 day, when there was nothing but abuse afterwards.
So, yes, I understand your feelings. And even today altho my friends don't know about the adoption, I feel that it is only 1 more milestone, and so what?
I wish you the best.
Yep, Phillies89, I understand.
I never wanted the extra attention birthdays brought. There was always a cake and my a-family acted as tho it was a special day.
I often wondered why I couldn't be left alone to hide in my grief and loss. I knew that I was suspect and tainted, why all the smiles and attempts to be nice on 1 day, when there was nothing but abuse afterwards.
So, yes, I understand your feelings. And even today altho my friends don't know about the adoption, I feel that it is only 1 more milestone, and so what?
I wish you the best.
It's interesting that you mentioned birthdays, because it makes me think of something I haven't thought of in quite a while. My b-mom and I share a birthday, although a number of years apart obviously. I didn't know that until I found her, but it sure put a different spin on my feelings about birthdays...which are frankly pretty "meh." I don't mind them, don't despise them, don't love them. They're another day on the calendar, which just so happens to tick over another mile on my odometer.
But in reading your OP, I wanted to suggest a different way to think of your birthday. It sounds to me as though your anger and negative feelings are actually (and understandably) directed at your b-family...not at your birthday. Your birthday is a reminder of what happened back then so it all comes into focus.
Your (our) birthdays aren't the problem. What was done to us for whatever reason back at birth was (is) the problem.
Whatever your feelings on the topic turn out to be, I hope that this year's birthday (tomorrow?) is a good one. I also hope that this post helped somewhat...it sounded a lot more coherent when I thought it in my head than when my fingers typed it. :rolleyes:
Hi Phillies,
I have had some really terrible birthdays over the years, also.
What I'm about to say is not even related to adoption, it's just a way I have handled birthdays.
One thing I started doing several years ago was taking a few to several hours of time out on my birthday just for me to go someplace I liked, and reflect, alone, on my current goals and how I wanted to achieve them. I kept what I wrote down and looked at it a few times during the year and then went over it again and revised it each birthday. I found this birthday event to be so helpful that last year when I didn't do it because I was busy all day with work and getting together with my boyfriend, I really missed it. This year my birthday is still a few months away but back in late December I scheduled time off and made a reservation at a state park to be sure I had the space to do this kind of birthday reflection again.
This particular idea may or may not suit you, but what I'd like to suggest is that you may be able to find something you can do that is meaningful to you.
It won't erase what happened in the past -- my yearly reflection time doesn't, either -- but it can change how you think of the future anniversaries of this date.
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Thanks for your input everyone! My birthday this year was better than it was other years because I stopped having unrealistic expectations and I planned something fun with people I enjoy being with. It also helped that I dealt with all of my negative feelings BEFORE my birthday came, instead of avoiding it and then feeling sad that day. I used to think that if someone important in my life didn't specifically wish me "Happy Birthday" then it means they don't care about me, which obviously isn't true but it always used to get to me. People show they care in various ways and I am trying not to use my birthday as a way of defining whether or not I'm important to them. I also told some of the important people in my life how i felt about it so they were more able to help me through it instead of me just feeling alone and like no one understood me.
Also, I went to skyzone trampoline place....and its almost impossible to be sad when you are jumping on a trampoline!
I'm glad to hear your birthday wasn't awful. I wasn't adopted so can't honestly relate to your loss for that day but I can say that my birthday has never been good either. I wasn't adopted but I was born very close to a major holiday and I never felt that day was special as a result. Its forgotten often and by my own parents too. So I too have felt forgotten and not special and it always made me feel not good enough to be remembered. I can't compare that with your loss but I do understand the dislike for the day. I'm glad you spent this one differently. Happy Birthday! :cake:
wrking21 Thanks for sharing your experience! It's good to know that its not just adoptees who get frustrated about birthdays.... Congrats on your successful adoption experience!
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Good Morning,
I am conducting a study with adult adoptees that have given birth to a biological child within the last 5 years. If you live in San Diego and want to participate please contact me.
Those who complete the study will receive a $25 gift card. I want to give voice to adoptees surrounding their story, as it is often untold. Thank you for any support you can give.
My email is adoptionstudysd@gmail.com
Best, Alicia
Alicia_Irvin
Good Morning,
I am conducting a study with adult adoptees that have given birth to a biological child within the last 5 years. If you live in San Diego and want to participate please contact me.
Those who complete the study will receive a $25 gift card. I want to give voice to adoptees surrounding their story, as it is often untold. Thank you for any support you can give.
My email is adoptionstudysd@gmail.com
Best, Alicia
Why are you putting this announcement in this thread?