married with 4 what to do about #5

Please don't accept just any advice. This is too big a decision to throw caution to the wind. 1) Do you have any relatives closer to you that might consider an open adoption arrangement? 2) Do you wonder if putting the financial "all the way down" status on the new life in you might be just one perspective on your financial situation? 3) Is there any possibility of working with someone on managing finances to be able to accept your new baby with warm, loving feelings? 4) If you are concerned about the acceptance of family regarding your decision, will you be able to live with your decision regardless of what you decide to do? In other words, what about YOUR acceptance of your decision regardless of what your family thinks? (not AT ALL saying the family input isn't worthy of consideration) 5) Can you live for the next 18 years or possibily a lifetime without your child seeing you as his/her mom and dad? These are simply questions to ponder. You may have thought about them already, but I consider them more about the heart of the matter than finances. Remember, finances change, your decision about this baby is final. God Bless you. I know you will make the right decision.

I don't think this forum gets a lot of traffic. If you haven't heard much in a couple days, you could crosspost to the main birthparent support forum. I have heard of several families who made an adoption plan for children when they had older children staying in the home. You are not alone if you make this decision. And your current situation (and that of the forseeable future) does need to be taken into consideration. While it would be great to have a family member raising your new little one (which could allow you contact and allow her to be raised by family and have the same Grandma, etc), it does create some unique situations that you'll just need to educate yourself about and work out ahead of time. There is a forum here for family adoptions. Second, the previous poster assumed you would want an open adoption. The difference (loosely) is open means contact (which for some means daily/ weekly/ monthly and others means once/ twice/ four times a year); semi-open means letters at a minimum which might be written directly or might go through a third party and then it can also include pictures, emails, phone calls, exchanging of personal info, etc; closed (also called traditional) means no contact and no updates. You need to discuss if the cousin adopting would make you and your husband feel comfortable. If she lives far away, are you OK with that? Your child being raised by family and having a continuing relationship with you and the rest of her birthfamily would need to be weighed with the distance from you and connection to you and your dh and other children. If you can figure out finances, you will leave these forums and raise your kiddos and be a mom to five. I considered an adoption plan with my daughter, but figured things out. So I can definitely sympathize with you and what you are going through. If you are unable to raise a fifth child, or decide that doing so would be detrimental to the welfare of you and your children, then you will stick around and figure out an adoption plan. Whatever you decide, you will have support here. As for the kiddos, other birthmoms will be able to help with that. I just saw a reference to someone saying her kiddo knows about her adopted child and just knows that there is a sibling living in someone else's house. Kids are pretty accepting. And if the cousin does adopt, they'll be able to have a relationship with their sibling as well. While it is something to think about, it shouldn't have TOO much weight in the considerations. How the cousin would treat you, the adoption, the little one; what effects it would have on you and your dh emotionally and financially to parent or adopt; if there is a possible way to parent; if you want to parent; if you feel it is in your new child's best interest to parent; if you feel it is in your other children's best interest to adopt; if you would want someone geographically close to adopt; if you would want an open, semi-open, or closed adoption; if you would want the child raised in your family or outside of it; what level of involvement you would be comfotable with if you did decide on adoption; if the person you are condidering as an adoptive parent would be comfortable with the same level of involvement as you and your dh; what your family's input would be if you decided to parent a fifth or to put your child up for adoption; if you can deal with your extended family's reaction if you do what they might not like; if you want to try parenting with the knowledge that you might put the baby up for adoption later; how you will talk about this with your other children; if you and your dh are on the same page... these are the types of questions you need to be asking yourself. Not easy ones. But plenty of people (as you will see here) have made that decision, and plenty others found ways to avoid it. Some regret placing. Some regret not placing. Your heart will tell you what is right. -Mary P.S. 18 states have legally enforceable contact agreements, so you could be sure of seeing your kiddo either in pictures or in person (depending on whatever you and the adoptive parent(s) agreed on) for the next 18 years if you finalized adoption in one of those states, so the whole "never see her again" bit isn't exactly a reality if you are concerned about it.

I haven't been in a situation like yours but I do know what it is like to have a child adopted. It was a closed adoption and my son was never talked about which made it even harder for me so for 23 years I surpressed my feelings. I know things are different now and if you had a good open adoption agreement it would be different to what I went through but my advice would still be think carefully before opting for adoption. You have children already so know what it's like to go through pregnancy, labour and bringing them up so are prepared for that. With adoption it is emotionally hard to live with and you wont know how your child will feel growing up particularly if they know they are the youngest one and the only one given up for adoption. When I was reunited with my son last year I was terrified of how he would feel about me....if he would hate me, resent me, only want infomation, then disappear out of my life. On top of that I had to deal with how I felt about having given him up....the grief, pain, anger towards myself for agreeing to the adoption and towards my parents for forcing me into this decision. It is hard at times to deal with these issues but you do need to think of the consequences of adoption both negative and positive. My reunion with my son has been a rollercoaster but it has calmed down though if I could have had my time again I would not have given into pressure to have him adopted. Incidently I was working when I was pregnant so could have provided for him financially as well as emotionally but one of the arguments my parents used was that I would struggle financially and if I didn't work then I couldn't afford to keep him. Good luck though whatever you decide. Philippa :)

I am assuming that since you just recently found out that you were preg. that you are still early in the pregnancy. If were you I would look into all sides.. See if there is any help you can get from the state or family to help youto raise this child.. talk to an adoption counselor and see if adoption really is something you can do.. Talk with your cousin AND other potential adoptive parents.. see how you feel.. see how they feel.. I think if you totally inform yourself and look at all angles that the right decision will come to you.. In the end you cannot worry about what your family will say., instead you need to think of you, your husband, your children and the unborn child and make the best decision you can for all.. As an adoptive mom I know that my son's birthmom also placed due to financial reasons.. she looked into all sides and made the best decision for her and the baby.. She too was worried about what family member would think and in the end she just told them that she was the one to make the decision and asked that they respoect that decison.. They have.. Good luck. Mandy

Hi,I am new to this site too. But your post caught my attention big time. It is actually a very similar situation in which our daughter came into our family. My daughter's birthparents have been married 15 years. They were teen parents. They already have three children. They have a 14 year old son, a now 12 year old son and a now 6 year old daughter. Their lives have been anything but easy. They have been homeless for a number of years. When they got pregnant with their fourth, they just about freaked. They contemplated abortion. But thankfully they chose adoption instead. They contacted a facillitator in California (who works with birthfamilies & adoptive families throughout the country). This facillitator is AWESOME! She runs a program specifically for birthmoms in crisis situations. She helps to set up open adoptions. We had recently contacted this facillitator through a referral from a friend of ours. That is how we knew about her. From the time we sent in our birthmom letter to the time we took our baby home, was two months! If you would like, I can privately email you her information. In any case, if you would like to email me for any questions whatsoever, please do so. I am coming from the adoptive parent perspective. Do not despair. Their are good solutions to your dilemma! Best of luck!Julie

Hi, I just wanted to chime in as another adoptive mom whose child's birthfamily situation is similar. My son is his birthparents 4th. They are a married couple in their late-30's. They chose a closed adoption so I'm not sure about their family dynamic and how they handled it with their other children. I hope that you and your husband are able to settle on a situation that is right for you whether it be to parent or place for adoption.

Hello. My name is Beth and I have not been in your situation, but I am thankful to know someone who has. I am the proud Mommy of the most beautiful little girl. Her birthmother was in your same situation as you are, except she isn't married. She has 3 wonderful children and she couldn't financially or emotionally raise another. If you would like you could email me and I could ask Megans birthmother to assist you with any questions or concerns you may have. Beth [Edited to Remove Terms Of Service Violation] For the protection of community members, do not solicit people to contact you privately, whether that service is free or paid, or contact people who have requested that you contact them privately. All assistance should be provided within the Community Websites.