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[font=Comic Sans MS]I was just reunited with my daughter that I gave up for adoption 19 years ago. It was a closed adption so I didn't know her name or anything. Until February of this year. I received a phone call from the agency I placed with telling me I had a daughter named Katie trying to find me. I was so excited, glad, shocked, and scared. I eventually received a letter and photos from her. I cried so hard when I was first able to see what she looked like. She really looked like me!!!!! We eventually emailed eachother and have now met, twice. I have also met her adoptive parents just a few days ago. Her mother made me a photo album of Katie from birth up til now. When I look at those photos, I feel as though I am looking in the mirror at myself! [/font]
[font=Comic Sans MS]I hurt more now than I did when I first had to give her up. I see now what I missed and feel so cheated. I want to be the one in those photos with her!!! She loves her parents very much and so far, the relationship between her and I has been great, as great as it can be with her hours away and my longing for her more than she longs for me. We keep in touch thru email and share the day to day activities with each other, but I want so much more and know that can never happen. I'm so glad she pursued finding me. I had tried to find her on 2 ocassions, but wasn't able to get any info from the agency. I love her so much, so much more now that I can put a face and name to that empty place in my heart. She is the only child I have ever had. I have 3 stepdaughters, but they have their own mom too. [/font]
[font=Comic Sans MS]How can I get over the longing to be her mom?? I want to hold her, kiss her, be there when she is upset, be the one she calls when she is excited, be the one to wipe her tears and share her joy. Oh I never imagined it would hurt this much finally finding her. I have her back in my life - but not really. I know God is soverign, and that He has a plan for us, I just don't know how to get over this ache in my heart and soul for her......[/font]
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Cricket,
Congratulations on your reunion, I understand exactly what you are going through having been in reunion with my bson (he's 23) for over 8 months now. My bson is so much like me in many ways so know what you are getting at over your feelings. You have one advantage over me though as his parents don't know about our reunion yet.
It will take a while to work through how you are feeling now, I haven't had any other children either so loads of empathy on that as well. The pain does get easier just try and be patient - I've been there too. It's a sensitive area with adoptees and how they feel about their birth mothers as they are individuals so all have their own feelings on the matter. I can only comment on my experience with my bson so will do my best.
Firstly I do understand that longing to be his mum (in your case her mum) but obviously I know I can't be in the normal meaning of the word but can be the next best thing. We also had to build up on our relationship, get to know each other and get that 'happy medium' on communication. It was an issue with him that I acknowledged that I was his mum and he was my son which I have done but we have discussed it. His mum is the one who brought him up which is something that can never be taken away from her. On the other hand he feels strongly that I'm also his mum as I'm the one who 'carried' him then gave birth to him so I'm his mum as well. He does have a point there but the important point here is that it works for us as we have talked it through on his initiation. My bson calls me by my first name and also Mum which he decided to do, I never asked him to. We have a good relationship and can discuss absolutely anything but we had to build on trust first. Not all adoptees feel like this so with your daughter follow her lead on the matter.
Remember it is early days and you have got so much to work through with your own feelings as well as building on that all important relationship. You can never replace the past but you have a long future to work on so focus on that. It's easy to want to rush it but try to be patient and let her lead, I know it's easier said than done but trust me I've been there :) . Anytime you want to pm me you're welcome to, my prayers are with you.
Philippa :)
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Sweetie, just take a step back and take a deep breath. I understand exactly how you feel , the pain and confusion is so distracting and that is just what it is , DISTRACTION. Ok, let me explain, the feelings we have as mothers that come into play when joined with a living memory (reunion) are so passionate, that we can not see the adult for the child that confronts us. We strive to fill in the gaps in a hurry as though we expect them to disappear into the hole of our hearts. So fearful of losing sight or sound of a part of yourself that you drown in torment to do 'everything just right'. And yet the overwhelming need to hold and comfort them is for our own desire to release to them the love we have kept in 'storage' for them, it's what a mother does, she loves even in absence. Take it very slow, and be encouraged that your child has sought you, that's a very good sign. Don't allow your memories of past or present to interfer with a mutual discovery of each other, realize that as adults our children are a by-product of not just genentics , they have moved on and have grown up. Many have families of their own by now and so the time they have to share with you may be very limited in these tough times, be patient most of all.For myself, I try to remember my own words, and leave the emotions that swell and ebb a million times a day in the bottle they are in. It's really tough on you I know, and it hurts more now simply because you've been found and the past is in your face in the present. Many of us didn't know how to prepare for reunion and thru trial and error, we stumble thru it and hopefully we each find what we need . I pray for you and all mothers, whether birth or not. The capacity to love our children is not a blood thing, but the motivation behind that force that nutures.
I think it takes time.. I also think this is about grief.. Grieving what we did not have..
I got angry.. I got incredibly angry after I met my bson..
Please stay with us and keep posting.. It seems to get easier as the years go by..
Jackie
Remember, we cannot change the past, we can only build on the future. I am a birthmother and I can feel the sorrow of not having raised my daughter. I can only feel peace that she was raised well by loving aparents.
Hugs,
Barbara