ADD at age 20?!

GRRRR....! I just mentioned my concerns for B to my husband and how we should think about finding a psychologist or counselor for him to talk to, and my husband said, "No way!" He insists that B is just lazy and unmotivated, and that now that the pressure of college has been lifted from his shoulders, he'll "be fine." I disagreed, saying that when B begins to lose his motivation to get up and go to work each day (filling orders at a warehouse), he'll end up back where he started. I pointed out that this is not a NEW phenomenon with this child, and that even if he just talks with someone he has no emotional connection to, he might be able to get some direction in his life. (Everytime B is confronted with his lying and failing, he ends up crying and tells us that he doesn't know why he does it.) I then reminded my husband of a high school friend who was a staight A student, but she was kind of a sloth. She never wanted to go out with friends, and would sit at home watching movies. She knew the lines to every movie (just like B), and basically had no life. When her parents shipped her off to a university, she fell apart. Without them there to keep her going, she became depressed and lethargic. She began drinking heavily, and flunked out of school. So her parents sent her to a different, closer college---same thing. Finally they had her tested and she was diagnosed with adult ADD. They put her on meds, including anti-depressants, but no changes. She and I shared an apartment the year after I graduated from college, and I could tell that her meds weren't working. She was a slob, would sleep all day, drink vodka while I was at work, and lock herself in her room when I was home. She finally moved back in with her parents and I lost track of her for a while. She did manage to go to a tech school and got a degree in computer programming, and now she's a programmer for Texas Instruments! What happened? She finally "came out" to her family. Growing up, we all knew something was up--she never had a boyfriend, had masculine-looking hair and clothes, would get teased mercilessly by a few mean boys in our classes. Finally she worked up the courage to tell everyone in her life who she was, not who they wanted her to be. When I ran into her at a high school reunion a couple of years ago, she told me that she has never been happier. She has a life partner now, and together they are raising her partner's teenage daughter to be a smart, confident, self-assured young woman. I'm not saying that I think my stepson is stuck in a rut because he's gay, but something is causing him to coast through life with no direction. He hates confrontation, which is why he'll fake going to school until we finally get his grades. Then he'll just sit there like a deer in headlights while his parents question, prod, yell, and cry....I just wish somebody could get to the root of this problem and help him out of it. My husband thinks it's pure laziness and lack of motivation. I think it's something deeper. Unfortunately, I'm going to lose in this battle (well, actually B will be the real loser).

You can call your insurance company and ask for a recommendation. Then ask your pediatrician and your own physician. From that group you will be able to locate a good person. regards

Get him some brochures on joining the army or marines or other military services. they can prepare him to be a firefighter.Yes he may have some sort of disability but I side with your DH, I have seen many young kids come out into the world after being spoiled by their parents that did not take the time to teach them how to be more responsible for their actions. these kids are given everything that they wanted, numerous electronic devices to keep them occupied so the parents do not have to deal with them and simply get lazy and expect money to be handed over to them for their needs.Sorry to spout off but you would not believe how many times I have had these youngsters come to work for me at my golf course only to find out that their allowence was almost as much as they earn for working 40 hours after taxes. SPOILED only begins to touch what I have seen. I understand your concerns about the direction he may turn if not guided properly, but it may be too late for these concerns in that they should of came back when he was first showing signs of this laziness. Tuff love may be your only recourse, but not giving him the first and last months rent! it just another handout. set good fair solid ground rules for living under your roof, charge him monthly rent (my parents put it into a account for medical expenses that I did not even know about), make him buy his own food, take away all toys unless he is working full time and making his bills. Do not give away the cost of rent trying to be nice about it, it will not get him ready to live in our real world. it is now your responsibility to teach him how to live on his own. this includes budgiting, buying food, cooking meals, washing luandry, doing the lawn. everything one would have to do if they could not afford some one else to do it for them. if you are to give him anything extra (like wash his clothes for him one week) charge him for it in either cash or exchanged work. This is how the real world works, and it is your responsibilities as his parents to teach it to him. Forget about the doctors for now, what he needs first off is a good kick in the pants to get him going in the right direction. all the doctors will do is give him an excuse for not doing what is expected or needed. if he does not care to start off with, the doctors will not change his mind.

I thought firefighting could be offered as a program through community colleges? (They were at the one I used to work at.) Wouldn't that allow him to continue to be a "student" and, therefore, on your insurance? It seems to me you have two or three issues here. One is possible ADD (or, in my untrained opinion, depression). The other is how to help the child succeed. As you have already pointed out in your example of your friend, even a diagnosis of ADD, etc. will not necessarily make a difference in his educational pursuits. I teach college English and have worked with students for many years... and I am a firm believer that children should not necessarily be sent to college right after high school, regardless of their intellectual abilities. I am also someone who flunked a semester in college -- and I was pretty old, a 22 year-old-junior... I was very homesick, depressed, and not in a field of study that I particularly liked, despite making all A's in that subject -accounting-the previous years of college. (I also tell all my freshman students that half the battle of life is often just showing up. If by chance some teacher would give you a second chance, etc., why would they do it for someone they didn't even know (who had only come to class a few times?) Since your son is feeling like a failure, why not set some ground rules about what firefighter training would entail/cost (both in time and money) and what the RULES will be in order for you to pay for it? And/or, work with the college adviser (usually you are on probation when you fail all your classes, right, or is he actually kicked out?) The adviser might be able to set up an appointment in the career center so that he can fill out paperwork to see what kinds of jobs his personality, right now, is suitable for. Also, MANY community colleges have certificate programs that would allow him to accomplish something in a short period of time, and the classes required would involve direct training of the subject matter. My sil went through a similar first semester of college (she was living with us, majoring in psychology, but not really wanting to go to college, and not interested in the general studies part - required core classes like English 101, college algebra, etc,). Anyway, after a horribly dramatic semester involving all sorts of excuses and mucho mucho money... she was enrolled in an automotive program. She has been doing great for a year and a half (with a few setbacks, maybe some due to her ADD, but mostly due to her personality and being a kid). At least she has begun to learn the value of a dollar, since she has had to work and pay for anything other than the essentials (mom and dad don't even pay for cable tv). (also, when she went to work full time for low pay, she realized she didn't want to be in that type of work for her whole life). Just because your son is bright doesn't mean he is ready to do the work of a college student (it is work... especially if you are expected to do better and better each semester to bring up a low GPA). Even if he studies a short period of time to become a firefighter, a welder, a manicurist... he could quickly get some skills to have a nice job (better than minimum wage, anyway, and maybe with his own health insurance benefits), and he could STILL go back to college, although maybe at that point he would have to "work his way through college" ... my best students are those with jobs and/or families who struggle to fit college into their schedule. (I also say this as someone who decided to quit and get a full-time secretarial job at a college and went to school for free there... I didn't graduate until I was 29 years old, but in the meantime I got married, kept getting promoted, then quit and went to graduate school -- and earned university-wide awards with a 3.9 average, and presented papers at national conferences). I hope you all find balance together and that he can find something that makes him feel accomplished. Good luck. Your son obviously has a lot of people that care about him, and I think that is a great asset. D.

Ugh, if only using consequences and teaching self-discipline were as easy for non-custodial parents as it should be for full-time parents! Like I said, these issues (laziness, "forgetting" homework) started back in 4th grade. And despite our begging the teachers each year to NOT give this young man 2nd and 3rd changes to turn in late homework or allowing him to play on his basketball team with D's and F's on his midterms, nobody would listen to us. The teachers all called it a "phase" that he would surely outgrow, and his mom refused to work with us with the consequences and accused us of being "too strict." On our weekends, WE required him to re-do assignments he had flunked; WE made him stay home from football games if he had "forgotten" to turn in any assignments that week;; WE were the "bad guys" and his mom was the hero for not punishing him and buying him all of the toys. And now mom is ready to kick him to the curb without having ever taught him any life skills. My husband tried getting joint custody of the boys about 8 years ago when he saw this train wreck coming, but his ex-wife didn't want to lose her child support check. And in our state, unless you can prove the mom is a crack addict, you stand no chance trying to modify the custody agreement. Sorry I got distracted there... I have no clue what's going to happen with my stepson (his mom isn't saying--other than her threat to send him to live with us), but we just got the report card for his 13-yr-old brother who earned two F's the last 9 weeks!!! (He usually finishes the year with B's and C's.) Something has got to give!!! To think that we had our lives poked and prodded, every detail examined, social workers scouring our home and interviewing us about every private detail of our lives so that we could be approved to adopt. And here two boys are headed to nowhereland because their mom doesn't have to be accountable to anyone. UGH!!!

If I could speak from experience, too, I have a 23 yr old son, who was diagnosed at age 12 with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and just 1 year ago possibly with ADD. Over time along with psychologists and thereapists, these disorders are known to have peaks and valleys. Things may go along for awhile, maybe 2 years or so, which everything seems to be ok, and then they take a turn for the worse. Some children seem to fall between the "cracks". If one is not educated on what to look for, it can be very frustrating to parents and siblings. These disorders effect the entire family. The more information one can receive either from the Internet or practioners, the better. The more research I do on my own, I am noticing that a mojority of the problem is with nutrition. And if one changes his diet to eliminate sugars and colorings what a difference it can make. I would suggest find a good therapist, not a social worker to evaluate your son. Then get a second opinion. At the age of your step son, it won't come overnight, but with patience and understanding, your step son will likely thrive and please you beyond words. darrc

Wow! I was just reviewing all of my posts over the past 4 years and came across this one. So I thought I'd update it: Sadly, stepson B never received an eval (psych), and he hasn't "outgrown" his laziness/depression/?, either. Instead, he'll turn 22 next month and is still living with his mom, stepdad, and now 16-yr-old brother (bro was 13 when I first posted and is doing MUCH better now, thanks in part to seeing his older brother become an overweight, lazy alcoholic!). So, yes, it likely was alcohol and probably depression (that he's self-medicating). B now weighs about 300 lbs. (was around 190, 6'1" at age 19 when he graduated from high school). According to younger brother, he comes in at daylight, pukes in his bed and sleeps in it until dinner when his mom and stepdad return home from work. Occasionally he'll go into their office and do paperwork/filing for them when 1) he needs cash for booze, or 2) they put the hammer down on him. (He also has to mow and do his own laundry.) However, his stepdad gave the ultimatum last Fall: "If you don't have a job by your next birthday, you're out!" So with only a few weeks to spare, B finally put an application in at a fencing company down the street from his house. But with only ONE steady job that lasted 3 months on his resume, he's not very likely to get hired. At this point, all Dad and I can do is shake our heads. B won't listen, his mom won't take advice from her ex-husband (Dad), and stepdad won't do anything because his wife (Mom) won't let him. It's all very, very sad and frustrating. :(

Oh Golly, what a sad update... As I was reading your posts, my jaw dropped and my eyes popped because I think you have a CLONE of my daughter! That is until I had her evaluated after her first semester of college when she started flunking out of her classes. Seriously, your dss's story is exactly like hers, until she went on a med for ADD. She has absolutly turned around. A few months after taking the med she said, "Mom, my whole life I've known that I'm not as good as everyone else. I try so hard just to do what everyone else seems to do effortlessly, and even then, it takes me so much longer. It always took me 10 times longer to vacuum the floor at the store than anyone else. And now after being on [the med], I have a clarity in my thinking that I've never known before. And I don't get distracted, I can actually focus, and now I'm finally on a level playing field with everyone else. It's amazing and so much better." He needs to be evaluated. He feels worse about himself and has given up. Even when he's tried his best, he's failed. And he doesn't know what to do with that.

Aunlanpo, Did your daughter do well on exams in high school? My stepson would ace his exams, but never turned in homework (lost it, forgot it at home, in his locker, etc.), so he'd get D's and F's. We wondered about ADD and had him tested back in 4th grade. He also scored fairly high on his SAT (I'm wondering how he could maintain focus for that long). I wish he would be evaluated, but he's now almost 22, so if he doesn't want to do it, we can't make him. Plus he lives with his mom, and she won't listen to my husband's suggestions anyway. ...Hmm, maybe that could be a condition of his pending kicking-out...that if he gets evaluated (not just ADD, but depression, etc.), then they might extend his living arrangements with them. I'm not sure how open they'll be to that, but it's worth asking if they'd consider it. Thanks for your input. By the way, what was the one thing that finally got you and your daughter to consider having her tested? Thanks!

My daughter did not do well on high school exams. But she has always been a B-C student, even when she tried her absolute hardest. We started being concerned about her in 6th grade when she started having to change classrooms, from homeroom to science class. All the other kids came to a focus right away, and she just did not transition easily. Science class was 1/3 over before she came to attention and task. We met with the special needs coordinator then, and decided to let her try to get through without special accomodations or coding. I didn't know then that the school has a vested interest in NOT coding kids. But it was a very small school with only 13 in her class, so that gave her an opportunity to try to learn the skills required to succeed without medication. And she did pull it together with the help of a really committed teaching staff who taught her how to transition. But there were always the "I forgot"s. I forgot my planner with my assignments, I forgot to scoop the kitty litter, I forgot to start the 2 week project until the night before. And she was tardy more than half of the school days in 8th grade, because she walked to school. Out of my ignorance, I didn't attribute any of that to ADD then, but it was. So, when she got to high school, she absolutely plummeted. But sadly, I didn't remember the ADD piece then. (How did I forget that?? I'm so mad at myself) She did all of her homework, because I continued to check, but she always did so bad on tests, because of anxiety and an inability to focus. But I didn't realize that then. So, she has always been a year behind her peers in everything. She absolutely refused to get her license for a whole year. What teenager doesn't want to start driving as soon as possible? She would NOT get a job to start saving for a car, for a full year after we insisted. What teen doesn't want to start earning their own money? So she finally got her first job at a pizza place, and just before they got totally fed up with her, she got a different job at the corner store. She is such a wonderful girl, with amazing people skills, so they kept giving her warnings, but kept her on. Their complaints were always about follow through and focus. For instance, she'd start something, get distracted and leave that to do another task, and forget to go back to the first thing. Over and over and over. Or she'd start vacuuming the floor, and it would take her 4 times longer than anybody else. Her body just moved sloooooooow. I don't know how to explain it really. In all things, she moved sloooooooooow. It drove me absolutely crazy! But she could sit and read for hours. Or she could maintain focus forever on things of interest. (Also very ADD... but I didn't know that then.) She was highly motivated to do well at that store job; she really liked it and badly wanted to stay. And she started getting really honest with me about what was going on there. She was so down on herself, and finally confessed that she didn't know why she couldn't just... whatever it was. And her first semester at college was awful. She tried so hard at the beginning, and when she didn't do well, she gave up. That's when I remembered about the ADD question from years before. I sent her to the doctor, and he said she is not even close to borderline ADD, she is VERY ADD. He gave her a med, and after several months, it changed her life. She's a solid B student now, and that slow body is moving at a normal pace now. She can vacuum the floor like anyone else. But even more wonderful, is that she is on a level playing field with everyone else now. And now, when she doesn't take her med for a couple of days, I get thrown back into those early years when I was pulling my hair out. I literally timed her folding a towel once... ELEVEN minutes! So the things that I thought were character flaws (lack of self-control, sloth, poor work ethic, etc) were magically cured when she started medication. I wonder if you told your stepson that it's not his fault, that you know how hard he's tried to be like everyone else, and you know it's not his fault that he can't. If he had a heart condition, he'd have to take a heart med to function like everyone else. This is no different. My dd did notice a change right away, but it took several months for her to really stabilize. If I had it to do over again, I'd INSIST on testing, I'd RUN to the doctor for medication. If you could only hear her talk about her life without medication... Sorry this is so long, and a life story, lol. I just wanted to give you a glimpse into what ADD really does look like, so you would have some comparison base. Feel free to PM me, I forgot to come back to check this until now. GBU,Aundrea :)

B will be 27 in a few months. He still lives with Mom and stepdad, but he has had a steady job for a few years now working for his Mom. She encouraged/forced him to become licensed in the field a few years ago, but so far hasn't let him actually use his license. I believe he is still doing clerical work for her instead. I also think she has begun to charge him a little for rent, but he has free reign on the laundry, dishwasher, food, computers, gaming system on parents' TV, etc. No real motivation to move out. But we noticed a huge change when he had his first girlfriend about a year ago! He started losing weight, talked of going back to college to take one class at a time. (Hasn't materialized.) Then gfriend graduated and pushed him to get married (after only 4 months of dating!). Thankfully B said no and they parted ways. :clap: Everyone was sad for him, but understanding. She may have been "good for him," but he's not ready to start a family. Good grief! He still lives in his mom's basement! But the positive energy train was rolling, and B continues to eat better, dress better, is more active, and more self-assured. Still drinks and parties, but seems to be more controlled now. No more dragging in at daylight, puking in bed, sleeping 'til dinner. :D This isn't to say things won't turn south, but for now, it's looking good...emotionally healthy. But meanwhile, younger bro also flunked out of college, lives with Mom, but is now working full time in a factory. However, he has started smoking and drinking heavily due to new "friends" he has made at work. He claims he wants to become a police officer...because he wants a gun. Ahh! :o Not likely to happen, tho, because he'd still have to attend classes and pass tests. He, too, found it easier to skip classes and flunk. So for now, the $7/hour factory job seems to be meeting his needs. But Dad's child support just ended (youngest turned 21), so Mom may not wait long before insisting both boys get their own place(s). (fingers crossed)

progress is progress! we tell our students this all of the time: no life-altering decisions until 25. why? because our brains aren't really baked enough to make good decisions about long-term stuff until then. my own daughter told me at 18 that she was too stupid to be in college and then proceeded to prove it by magically turning all of her Bs into Fs. now that she's 25 (and paying for her own education) she has mostly Bs lightly seasoned with Cs. her money made ALL of the difference. hope it continues to improve!

Thanks, greenrobin. It looks like things will continue to improve. It's amazing how our kids mature exponentially when they're suddenly having to pay for everything themselves...and drag themselves out of bed to be at work by 6 a.m. day after day! ;) The 21-yr-old is looking into going back to college part-time. And it took less than a year of the working life to convince him. :D

I don't know about that. I'm 42, ADD--have a job, do really good work, went all the way through PHD level studies (before I ran out of money)....but still very much ADD. I still realize hours later that I didn't finish any of the things I started, that I'd glanced at a page in a book---10 chapters ago....that the phone bill I specifically remember paying isn't paid...that my room is a mess....And that when I'm stressed it all grows exponentially worse added to which I've seen the outcome of ADD in my life so dread the consequences...which adds to stress. The difference? Now I have a job in which I can decide my duties---I enjoy what I do, so it becomes my focus. My co-workers remind me to go to lunch and when it time to leave. For important things--like LG's medicine, I have triple back ups in place, and even then at least once a school session I have to take his medicine to school. Sooo I don't know that it gets better, so much as the "real world" is more flexible then school or "home life" with parents and its easier to compensate to an extent. From a parents point of view, though, I think its more that the consequences become less relevant as the child becomes more independent. That doesn't mean it goes away, though. During the time LG was reunified, I was under a LOT of stress worrying if something really bad would happen. The ADD symptoms were bad enough that my family started suggesting I go on medication.

Sounds absolutely like ADD. I want to add that I have it and was diagnosed at the young age of 50. I went to 5 colleges, no degree, and did average. Please tell him; I so wish I had been tested when I was younger.