Ok, so we were being considered for a beautiful 2 yr old, we all had our hopes up, have spent time with her and then had the rug pulled out. I have cried for a week straight. Maybe I dont have the right to cry for her or to have started to love her as much as I already had because she wasent even mine yet, but it is still really hard. I have decided that god dosent give us anything that we can not handle, so maybe this little girl would have had more than we could have handled. I dont really know. So with a heavy heart we all have to move on.
We are thinking that adopting is still the right choice, it is in my heart to adopt. I have always looked into the Ukraine but it is soooo expensive. Here is my question:
Has anyone adopted through Adoptuskids How does it work? Our family, DH, me and 2 teen DD's have decided that a child no older then 2.5 would work the best, girl, boy dosent matter. What are the chances of finding a child that age through this program? How long does it take? We have most of the paperwork complete, we will have to completly complete the homestudy, the FBI finger prints are already in the works. What are the normal costs for the actual adoption? My husband really wants to check this out before we decide if we should have my tubes untied instead. Thanks in advance for any help you can give!!
Last update on November 10, 4:25 am by Sachin Gupta.
If your MIL dosent treat your dd the same why do you think she would treat ANY color adopted/foster child equal to your youngest dd?If she has a problem with not being blood then it wont matter what color child you adopt .
That's what I was wondering.
Been awile since I have been able to log on, having computer problems.
I did however read your question before I could no longer use my computer and had no answer. So I decided, heck I need to know so I asked.
My inlaws response? Because it would be their sons child. So I asked well what would that make our daughters? She goes into the whole conversation of them having a dad and it is not my DH. :grr:
Whatever............ So my question still remains, how would she really treat a foster/adopt child?
First I'd like to say that I feel very bad about the response that Tracy is getting in regards to her racial 'preferance'. There are a million reasons why someone would not want to adopt outside their race and frankly I think its a very personal choice. I think the fact that you know it would be a hard situation for the child is enough and I commend you for having the courage to see these issues. Sometimes its harder to admit the truth than to do what is politically correct. I don't think you should be made to defend yourself either. The problem would be if you knew there would be an issue but you adopted an AA child anyway.
Personally we are open to any race, but then again, we are a multi-cultural family to begin with, with friends and relatives of many ethnicities so this makes it easier for all involved.
I wanted to get back to adoptuskids, which was what the origional post was regarding. This is basically a photolisting of kids in foster care. There are many more children in each state that are not listed on adoptuskids but are on the individual state photolistings. Its been my experience that the children on this site have very 'special needs' no matter how they may sugar coat it. There is a link on adoptuskids that will take you to a list of each state's listing. Also, you are not going to adopt directly through adoptuskids. They are sort of the middle man. If you have a completed homestudy you can register online. It is very easy and you then will be given access to the child's worker's contact info. It works like this:
*Search the listing and find a child/children you are interested in.
*Request information (you can only do this if you are regestered and its only a matter of clicking a link on their site)
*In many cases you will get the name of the child's case worker and a number to call as well as an address etc.
*Call, email, whatever...the case worker (pray they answer and if you get a voice mail that they will call back before the kids age out of the system.)
*Tell them you are interested in the child and would like to send your homestudy and find out more about the child.
*Many times if you actually get hold of a case worker s/he will tell you a little bit about the child to see if you are even interested anymore. This is also a great time to sell yourself. If the child sounds like a match use this time to tell the social worker what you can offer this child. For example, it doesn't actually say anything in my home study about us being a multi-cultural family but if I were to inquire about a Puerto Rican child I might mention that my cousin is Puerto Rican and it would be great to visit her family in PR with the child so she can learn more about her heritage. Or, I have dislexia (which I do) so I can understand what a child with dislexia goes through. Or, I work in a school for the blind...U get the point.
*Send your homestudy or have your case worker send it to the childs case worker (if you decide to and if it is requested. Also doesn't hurt to ask if you can send it anyway just in case they do find a match) and wait on needles and pins for a possible response while you feel guilty looking at other children and doing the whole process over again.
Something else I wanted to bring up. You said "The CW supervisor that I have been working with seemed to think that there was a pretty good chance..." Well, when we started this whole process in January we were told that we could have children in our home within a few months. Even after the homestudy was done she told me by the middle of summer. Well, its the end of summer and we are no closer now (at least I feel that way) then we were when we were approved. I'm not sure if they are knowingly lieing to get you in the door so they can try to talk you into foster care (which is what they did with us. They really tried to hard ball us on the issue) or if they actually think it can happen and mean well by saying it. Then there is "well, if your accept a larger sibling group." The thing is, I wasn't the one who said 2 is the limit, they were. I had lots of friends who shared rooms with their sisters and they turned out ok, probably better for it, so why can't my kids? These are big rooms too. But since we only have 2 beds (I can buy another bed but don't want to if it isn't a sure thing) they will only give us two kids. Unbeliveable!
I hope I helped. Good luck to you.
I could see why someone might be reluctant to adopt a child of certain races or backgrounds.
With some groups, there is a lot of controversy over the "best" or "fair" way to raise them while still keeping them linked to their heritage. For example, Native American children being raised in a non-native house or AA children in a non-AA house. These are huge issues in the media and communities and perhaps the adoptive parents aren't ready for the pressure of raising a child the way that outsiders feel they should be raised.
With other groups, that sort of pressure is minimal or non-existant. You rarely hear of Hispanic or Asian groups in the media or community fighting over whether a child with an Asian background should be raised "Asian". I hear of it all the time that a black child should be raised "black" or native children should be raised as a "native".
I would feel less pressure from outside influences on how to raise my child properly than I would with a black or native child.
Not that it would matter to me. I generally have a belief that children should know their heritage anyway, and I have a stubborn streak that would allow me to not care what outsiders feel about how I should raise my family. :)
But I can certainly see why some people would feel reluctant.
First I'd like to say that I feel very bad about the response that Tracy is getting in regards to her racial 'preferance'.
I think we were more concerned with Tracy's assumption that bi-racial, hispanic, asian and native American kids were less kids of color. Non-CC is non-CC. These kids all have heritages that SHOULD be included if they're adopted by people of a different race and/or culture.
Tracy: Wow!! You said your DH is an only child and parent involvement is weekly. Why? If anyone tried putting down any of my kids, I would cut them out of our lives. I realize that is easier said than done, but I grew up being my mother's target child and put down for everything. I WILL NOT let that happen to any of my kids.
The thing is, I wasn't the one who said 2 is the limit, they were.
Is 2 the limit because the room is small? In NY, the rooms have a minimum size for 2 and if the room is larger, you can have 3 in it. I've had 2 placements of 2: both were part of a larger sibling group that got split up.
The rooms are not small they are quite large and there would be pleanty of room for two children (teens even) in each room. We also have a 'bonus' room that would make a nice bedroom with the addition of a closet. However, we only have 2 extra beds. We have a sofa bed but it doesn't count and we have access to beds from my parents and have no problem buying a bed for a child if we need to (we are going to have to anyway if we get more than one child 'cause one of the beds is horribly uncomfortable and I wouldn't want a child to have to sleep on it.) but I don't want to go and buy 3 extra beds (one of our beds is a queen size and while it would fit in a room with another twin it would seem a little cramped with the furniture we have in there.) for something that may or may not happen. Then what would we do with the extra beds if we only get one or two children anyway. Point was, that they make promises they cant keep and many people (like us) walk through the door with stars in our eyes.
I understand 100 percent about non CC of any race needing access to their culture. However, I understand why it would be easier on both Aparent and Achild if the child is not full AA. I grew up in NY (Oyster Bay LI) and moved to GA and got a really good education in racism. I never knew racism until I moved here. Until I met my husband (who is from Chicago) I broke up with many a boy-friend simply because of his racist belifes.
We (myself, my family and my future children) would have less issues if they were anything else but full AA. This is both from the White as well as the Black comunity. We weighed the pros and cons and spoke to some friends about it etc. When we started this we told the social worker no AA children but other races and mixed races ok. This was not because I thought I would hide my childs race or try to 'pass' my child as white or make them feel that they have to. And I have always thought I would celebrate whatever race they are. but rather because we felt that it would be easier in this area for a child who is mixed with some form of 'White' to get along. After realizing that we did have some support even from some of our neighbors (one of is still close to many foster bros and sistrs of many races whom his parents took care of) Now, we figure if there are any real issues, we will fight or move. I am so not attached to this place at all. It is, unfortunately a fact of life here and it is something that must be taken into consideration.
It's pretty rare for kids who are young and healthy to be listed on a photolisting or website. The websites are aimed at finding homes for kids who are considered "hard to place" because of age or disability.
It *is* possible to get a young child through your local Department of Social Services. I've had 11 foster kids, and all but 2 of them were under 3 years old. My son came to me when he was 21 days old. Only one of my foster kids was ever on a photolisting.
So I'd say, contact your local DSS.
Problem is, by the time TPR is finalized they are no longer under 3 years old. They also will not (not in GA anyway) place a foster child in a home approved for foster to adopt or to just adopt. If you are looking just to adopt it will be very hard to find a child under 3 (I've heard of it happening but its a long wait. Some states have more babies than others.). If you are foster to adopt, like we are, they will only place a child that they know for sure will be TPR. For example we got a call this morning about a sibling group (They are 9, 8 and 8 months so another way to get a baby is if its part of a sibling group but I hate to think that the only reason someone would take all children is just to get the baby). TPR is expected in september so they are looking for a perm. home for them. They will only really be legal-risk for a short time. We were told (a while ago) about another sibling group that we didn't qualify for since we arn't fostering. They are pretty sure that TPR will happen but can't place them with us because it isn't in stone yet and they will still have visitation with their parents etc. The problem with fostering is that sometimes (every state is different) they will not give the foster family first dibs if they would like to adopt the child/ren. They will give the child/ren to someone else even though you've been taking care of the child for most of its life. I would talk about these issues with the SW.
Oh, and you'll see there were three kids in my age list. We got asigned a new social worker and she seems to understand that the limit was set by the other SW and not us. I think she is working for US more than the other one was. My fingers and toes are in a constant state of being crossed these days lol
So I'd say, contact your local DSS.
If you can get anyone to call you back, you're a lot luckier than we were. We placed numerous calls and the only time we EVER got any response was when we called in reference to a specific child, and that was only a message on the answering machine.
I Would Look Into Foster Adopt,you Can Sometimes Adopt A Younger Child That Way.also It Depends On What Area You Live In .try Looking At The Northwest Adoption Exchange,especially Oregon,they Place Alot Of Young Children And Sibling Groups,and Many Are Cc.good Luck.
Ususally, I am on the foster care & adoption network for NJ, and rare that I flip to another forum. I am glad that I did this morning.
I agree with about 95% of the comments out there with regard to race --- my husband and I have 4 beautiful children, all adopted, all of different race (my son is african american & hispanic, my other son is african american, hispanic and indian, my oldest daughter is 100% hispanic and my younger daughter is caucasian and latino ..... and, yes, we are white! Does color make a difference in our eyes? Absolutely not. Does color make a difference in eyes of people looking at our family. Most definitely, yes. But the real question is this ......... DO I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK??? NO! My children are my life, my pride and joy, and I would die for them. If other people have a problem with the color of my children's skin, then they can stay away from our family.
I do have to admit that my father had a very negative response when we told him that we were adopting, and that the child (now children) would more than likely be of african american race, and or a bi-racial child. He raged up and down, and threatened not to have anything to do with my children. Then, when we brought our first home in '99, he was the 1st one out the door! When we brought our 2nd son home, he was very laid back and didn't want to be involved (since my son is darker skinned). How did I put an end to him treating my one son differently than my other son?? I stopped all visitations and communications! I told him that if he could not treat my boys equally, on the same ground, then he would have no contact with either child, and he was (and still is) very attached to my oldest child (bi-racial child, but light skin tone). That proved to be the BEST thing that I could have done for both of my children. When my daughters came into our lives, no prejudice at all coming from my father. It may have taken a few years to have him "come around", but come around he did, and not only for his benefit, but also for my children.
It is a rough world out there, but you need to ask yourself one question: Does the color of the child's skin matter that much to you?? All children need to be loved, regardless of their skin tone. If you feel that your families would have a problem with the color of a child's skin, then I would tell you to adopt a caucausian child -- no bi-racial child, no child of any other ethnic race. When it comes to persons having problems with the color of other peoples skin tone, that problem will be there no matter if they are african-amerian, native indian, chinese or japanese.
I wish you luck in your endeavor, and I hope that you take eveyrone's advice and comments to heart. You want what is best for your family (immediate and extended), and I think the best would be to try for a private adoption, domestic maybe, for a caucausian child.
All the best, Tammi
Very well put, Tammi!
I have to say, I think it's good for people who are unsure about adopting/fostering kids of different races to admit to it. If you aren't sure if you could handle a child of another race, or if you're afraid of what people might think when they see you with a child of a different color, then you probably shouldn't have one in your home!
I grew up in a family affected by prejudice. The area my grandma grew up in, and raised my mom and my aunt in, was very single-cultural. So when my aunt grew up to marry a black man, it was a shock to her family. But they got used to it. And they loved her bi-racial kids, too. I saw prejudice as a kid- when my aunt took me to a store one time as a kid (I was blonde and blue-eyed) with my cousins, these two ladies near us were whispering and pointing and one said to the other, "At least she had ONE normal kid before she had those animals!" Nice.
I have to admit... I had my own moment of prejudice, only against my own color!! I got a call for our first foster placements, and we accepted them. When they came the kids were both blonde and blue-eyed, and I was DISMAYED! I don't know... I guess I had always thought I would get kids of minority cultures, and I looked forward to it! With my bio kids having their dad's Portuguese genes, they are both olive-skinned, dark-haired, and dark brown-eyed. I never thought I would be disappointed about ANY color. So why did white bother me? I don't know!
I DO think it's odd to say you don't want black but you'd take other minorities... That's interesting... But admitting you wouldn't accept kids of one race or another is good, because if you didn't want them, I'm sure they wouldn't be happy with you, either! :o
I have gotten quite an education, just reading the posts on this site, and the responses to my questions. So here is what has been happening in my head and believe it or not my husband is agreeing:clap: .
We have talked, I have researched, talked to a friend who has adopted, talked to another friend that fosters and has adopted 2 through foster care. We have decided that a boy/girl or siblings (2 at the most) from ages 0 to 8 is what we could handle.......(handle not the word I am looking for here). We have talked to our bio daughters and they want to know what we are waiting for.
As far as the race issue goes, I honestly do not have a problem with any race...... But that is only me, not my husband. He may come around... Time will tell, and he has REALLY suprised me here lately.
In the mean time, we are going to do foster/adopt, my husband is still scared about this about the placement, falling in love treating them like our own and then having them go back to their bio parents. He says he doesent want to see me go through the heartache, but I think it is him that is scared of losing someone that he may love. This is where my heart truely is, this is something that I have talked to him about doing for years (I do mean years). He has finally come around.
We still have not decided what county to go through. This county is fairly rural yet, but I live in the corner of the county and there is a LARGE county/city 15 min to the north, so I need to contact that county to see what their requirements are as far as residency. I am going to re contact the supervisor in the county we live in and talk to her some more also, I know they are looking for a new foster home for a 6 yr old a sib. to the little person that initially brought us to the point that we are now.....
Thanks for all of your responses I really appreciate it. I am learning more and more about myself and opening myself up more then I ever have. :thankyou:
I DO think it's odd to say you don't want black but you'd take other minorities... That's interesting... But admitting you wouldn't accept kids of one race or another is good, because if you didn't want them, I'm sure they wouldn't be happy with you, either! :o
I have actually thought about this before. I want any child that comes into my home to feel at home and like he/she belongs no matter how short or long of a time they are with me. Home should be a place you can let your gaurd down and not worry about being accepted.
As far as someone asking why the involvement of the inlaws so much...... I guess I have to say guilt on my husbands part, his mom calls him and chews on him about not spending time with his dad, not calling every day. Alot of times when I know they are coming (most the time they show up with no call) the girls and I will find somewhere else to be. We have done this for years. The prob. with that is sometimes I will come home and there she will be folding my underwear or re-cleaning something or complaining about my house cat and letting him outside.(he has NEVER been outside), or complaining about my dogs, or the cattle or sheep or the dirt on the floor of the garage (you get the idea). If you have ever watched "Everyone loves Raymond" it is almost EXACTLY like that. Even my husband has said and told his mom that she acts like Rays mom. She has gotten better, and I have prayed for myself to be able to forgive her....