Birthmothers adoptee is a adult film star

Hi Shelley, Good for you...you sound a lot better. It sounds like you are finding a way to keep K as an active part of your life and love her, yet not compromise yourself. I just hope K can figure out a way to learn to live a healthy life and recognize that she has you to help her. She is probably really scared to leave this lifestyle she knows so well. She probably feels way too comfortable with you and that scares her too. It's going to take time for things to settle, and it sounds as if you both are going to be there for each other while you work through it. I'm really happy for both of you. I am off to Ohio on Wednesday with my son to spend 2 whole weeks with my birthfamily - the first week with my bmom, the second with my baunt. They live about 30 miles away from each other, and my bgrandma lives right near my aunt so I will get lots of time with her too. I love them all dearly, but I feel like I really NEED my bmom right now...I don't know why. I hate feeling needy, but it's there. My aparents are still in a no-talkie mode about my reunion. My amom started to ask me last week where my bfamily lived, and then said she had to stop herself from asking questions because it makes her upset. I wish we could just put it all out there on the table, and I don't know why I shrink up like a little kid and let her dictate everything. I feel like I'm living a lie sometimes. I don't know what to do other than keep my two lives separate for now and be grateful for what I DO have. Well, tonight is the 1 year anniversary from my first f2f with my bmom...wish she was here to raise a glass with me... :cheers: .....gads I miss her. Hugs to you all :grouphug:

I have seen K. We have talked and its all good. Hard to be so honest about things but essential. Here is a letter I was going to send her, don't know if I will or not - maybe its best to just leave it be for now. IT just felt so good to write it and I also know K would get it. These are just my words. Maybe one day - she will see these words....... K, So, I just wanted to write to you about our meeting last night. I was very pleased at how it went and it was good that we were able to talk as we did. I think, for me, I was able to clear the air on where I was coming from with regard to my thoughts around some of your life choices. I appreciated that you gave me the opportunity to talk and you were such a good listener. For me K, it is important that you know that when I need a time out that it is not about you. It is because of certain situations and its like I have to go way deep into a place so far into myself and really connect with what is bothering me or making me sad and/or scared from the past. I have to go there because its important to really feel it, understand it, deal with it and then let it go - for good. Doing these things takes some time and it doesn't happen overnight. I don't expect I will need a lot of time-outs but I am the kind of person who when the need arises to do some internal "weeding" as I call it, I do it on my own and in my own way. I hope you understand that its not you. I don't want you to worry about me like you did this time. Really, K, at the end of the time outs, I can assure you, its all good. And the best thing is that once I go and deal with my "stuff", its done and over with. I learn so much about myself during these times. I look upon the time outs as a gift to myself. Each time, I am able to reconnect back to a part of myself that was hidden away, protected, since the time of your adoption. I sure did a good job of protecting my heart and soul from anymore hurt for all of these years. It's a real joy to find myself again, the old Shelley, she is still intact and alive - and I love that fact. I probably would never had the opportunity to go on this internal road trip K, if you had never called me. I am so glad that you did. There is a very, very special place inside of me that is all about you. It is mostly filled with joy, happiness, wonder and lots of love. Sometimes, though, it hurts. This is life. This is adoption. But mostly, its life - life hurts at times. Even outside of adoption and those not touched by adoption, people this world over have pain. Sometimes choices hurt. Nothing is perfect. And I am a former perfectionst. From 1984 to about 2005, I tried to be perfect. Live a perfect life. Do everything perfectly. To alleveiate the pain I felt inside of never being able to see you again, I thought, well, I might as well live a perfect life. Never make a wrong choice again. These years have been good in many ways and I come to find out how imperfect these years really were. I am more than happy these days to keep going inside my soul to re-discover the old Shelley, who was really content in being rather imperfect. Thats more real, don't you think? Human flaws - That is all part of the human condition. I would rather be flawed than have the numbness of striving to be flawless. There is a true beauty in some imperfection. Like a butterfly, for example, that is so beautiful, full of colour and graceful movement but on close inspection, it is noticed that there is a small tear in its wing. The whole of the butterfly is beautiful still, inspite of the tear. The tear is a part of the beauty. Perfection does not exist. You are such a good human being K, my antenna's can feel it. Keep striving to walk on the higher road in this life, my sweet girl. Try to not be a follower. Try to live with the integrity that truly is inside of you, the core of who you are. Be yourself. Stand up, strong, tall and proud of who you are and who you will become. You are growing. You are learning who you are. You are so much more centered now. I see it. And it impresses me to no end that you don't shy away from yourself, that you want to know more. You are courageous, to have gone where you have and continue to go on this journey of your life. I am proud of you, K. So filled with loving, gentle, quiet pride. Keep trying to figure out, connect with and get to know yourself, way deep inside. It's exciting, in a way, isn't it? Everything, absolutely everything, is possible when you are aware of "who" you are. Keep seeing me K, for its important for us both to keep doing what we are doing. I am not sure you realize right now, maybe you do, but if you don't, one day you will understand how very important it is to know me. Knowing me illumintes a part of who you are, where you come from - its an area of your life that really deserves to shine brightly. And I want to keep seeing you K, for knowing you, has, simply put, calmed the part of me that ached. Your presence in my life really has calmed me like nothing before has. When I think about you, alone, in my thoughts, I really have the hope that you & I in our own way will continue on in this life, getting stronger in our relationship. Sometimes I think that this present time, is ours and has been given to us because we both need it and we both so deserve it. The way things have fallen into place has the touch of something bigger than us. Call it God, if that is the word, but something very loving from this universe wants us to know each other. I won't question why and its not the most important question anyway. It is what it is and I feel the goodness of this other set of hands helping us. Guiding you and I to a place of connectedness. Maybe it's the umbilical cord between us - it was never broken. You are my child. I am your mother. We are lucky. I am here for you - always.Shelley.END So, that is where we are - it was really good last night. Just one more step forward. And this step was hard earned for me - it was a difficult couple of weeks. Bye for now.Love S.

Shelley~~ that letter to K is awesome....beautiful...incredible... just as you are.Such deep deep feelings, put into words. You are healing, becuase of HER, and I think she should know that. My "vote" ????? SEND IT TO HER !!!!:grouphug:

Thanks Janienj, I am not sure about giving it to her. Not today anyway. But yes, I probably will, just so she can have it. She can read it whenever she has doubts about my love and care for her - she can read how much she really matters to me. Shelley.

Hi, A person has recently come into my life who has ties with the publishing industry - would my story help people if it was turned into a book of some type?Please let me know as I would only consider this avenue if my story would be of benefit to others in the triad but especially bmothers and adoptees are my main interest. Thanks, Shelley.

I'd say 'definitely', but I would make absolutely sure that your dd is on board about it too. Your reunion has been inspirational. :thankyou:

HI Sunny - thx for your reply. In what way ought I consider K in the decision - ultimately this book or book of short stories would be about my feelings/experiences around adoption, K would not be a central figure at all.Really would appreciate your further thoughts on this. Thx,S.

hi shelley, that's so cool that you could get a book out there...i'd love to do that... i do however agree with sunny...asking k if she's on board would be appropriate. why? i really don't know....reunion is such a personal story (even if you don't mention her profession). i don't see why she wouldn't approve, you just have to be ready for a discussion about it i guess.

Hi Healing, thx, for shedding some light there and sunny too, I think I get where you both are coming from-re: adoption being so personal. It is. When it comes to K, I have mentioned in the past that I had a desire to maybe write about my experiences and she thought it would be "cool". But thats coming from a 22 year old who probably has not really thought about what I might seriously do. I would discuss with her, for sure, but really, my main desire to do this would be for the sole reason that there is not a lot of books about adoption around - there are the tried and true maybe dozen or so books but I just don't think adoption gets is understood, really understood by most of society not touched by it. It is not hard for me to put my thoughts out there, from the perspective of a birthmother and one who really does know that my particular adoption story is one where my daughter and I were both profoundly affected by our "loss". I want to talk about that "loss" and how prevalent I believe it is among many bmothers, bfamilies and adoptees. Plus, really, at the end of the day, adoption affected me profoundly. Funny, I sent away,under the Freedom of Information Act here in Canada, all my hospital records for when I had K - not the adoption records, but the actual hospital, birth, care records and I just got them this week. Wow, is all I can say. I went back there to those days and it was good in a way - I got to see others write about me and "babe" as she was referred to in the nurses notes - how we roomed together, the feedings, the c-section, how "good" mom (me) was with babe. We did a lot of sleeping together between feedings. There were notes about how I would cry but would not talk about my feelings, notes from social workers who came to visit me in hopsital - these are my records and don't involve third parties, so they came to me completely uncensored. I even read the report right after me C-section, that described the operation in great detail and how K was "lifed out and breathed and cried right away". How she was a healthy, viable infant. Wow. It was, wonderful to read the actual birth of my baby. I had fetal distress and an emergecy C-section was done and I was put to sleep for it, so don't remember anything except after the recovery room, I insisted on being taken in my bed, down to the infant ICU nursery where she was because of her small size. It solidified to me, in undescribable way - this is my child, I had this baby, I carried her, nourished her inside of me, and birthed her. She is my child - no matter about adoption and to read that stuff was not sad or hurtful - it was joyous. And it was good to feel that joy because in shutting down after she was placed, I forgot all of that. To see it written out by nurses and doctors was so good. I just spoke to K. She is very happy, she found her own apt. to sublet for 1.5 month from a girl who is away in Africa. The great thing is that this sublet situation is through people not even remotely affilited with anyone from the porn/prostituion part of her life. That is good. And she is so excited. The rent was reasonable, she is close to the beach, its furnished nicely and main thing is - she is happy and excited to be on her own. She was living with the person who runs the escort agency she has worked for - and she was always moving from hotel to hotel. Now she has some stabilty for 6 weeks. And she is happy to be by herself, so she can think and be alone. She wants me over PRONTO mom!!! :) to cook me a dinner......ah, life can be so sweet sometimes. Next weekend is the long weekend and we are going to make plans next week to spend some good time together. My partner is away that weekend and I am off work for 5 days, so if I get a day or two in with her, then that will be wonderful. So thats about it. Should go now. Thx, you two, for advices about involving her to a degree about writing. I will most defiantely discuss that with her as time goes along.

Sorry, Shelley, I thought the book was to be about your reunion. If it doesn't involve K, and it's your thoughts about your issues, then I say... go for it! I'm hoping one day to see a TV or movie documentary in the style of the TGWWA book, but covering more 'stuff'. HOW did you get your records? I very much want to know. I live outside that area now and I have a difficult time finding how to get information without involving old friends who have nothing to do with what happened to me and don't understand... probably embarrassed. :rolleyes: Would you mind pm'ing me the address you wrote to? You're talking about BC, right?

Sunny,I pm'd you with info. Hope it helps. If I can do anything else just let me know. No sorry necessary - I just really wanted you thoughts on if writing anything would/could upset K. I don't think it would but I am open to hearing from others on this. S.

Shelley,I tried to PM you asking for that address re the Canada Info Act, but it did not go thru ???? Could you PM me w/ the info?....would much appreciate your efforts in this regard. Thankyou . I send my best thoughts for your reunion adventure ! vicky

WHAT ???? Shelley has been BANNED ?????????????:eek: :eek: :eek: What the heck is going on ?????? I LOVE this thread....and all the conversation here.........what in the world ????????????????:confused:

I was banned for a reason that was not justified or fair and I want everyone to know that. I have enjoyed being on this thread, but will not subscribe to a website that has moderators who abuse thier powers. I was never ever previous to my being banned warned that any of my posts were "kicking someone when they were down" I have always spoken my truths in an honest and forthright way - have been supportive where I can. I have been accused of "getting on my soapbox" and "kicking people when they are down" and "not reciprocating in the all the support I have received here" Pretty awful accusations, in my option, by Brandy Hagz that are unfounded, unjustified and discrimnatory. I will miss you all immensley. My private email address is srackett@canada.com. Feel free to keep in touch. S.

I am closing this thread - debating the reason a member was banned or is banned is not allowed. Members may thing is perfectly ok to kick another member while they are down - our rules say otherwise and if it happens to often, you get banned.