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I don't know why my daughter pushes all my buttons. I have noone in real life I can say this to, but I really resent how hard my life is with her in it. If I try to vent to my friends or family they all can't understand why we adopted her in the first place. And that doesn't help. I love my daughter, I just don't know how to always do what's best for her, and sometimes I just get really upset. She's 5 and in kindergarten. Last week her teacher called me because she threw chalk at the teacher and picked up the chalkboard, planning to throw that too. Tonight she hit the baby (18 months - her bio sibling). When I said that we don't hit and it's time to get out of the bath and into bed, because it really was late, she gets so mad at me. She is super pissed anytime she's not the boss. And I insisted and so she was just glaring and stomping around, saying that she doesn't like me and she wants to stay up. I kept trying to get her to look at me, even trying to hold her face in front of me, and she just gets even stormier. I wanted to get eye contact so I could explain that it was late, she's tired, we don't hit, we have church tomorrow, etc. and she's so **** defiant that she still won't meet my eyes. So I said, fine, whatever, just go to bed and I kind of pushed her toward the door. Not like PUSHED like shoved, just kind of directed her that way because I was sick of fighting with her and needed her to go to sleep, and she overreacted and thrashed around and bumped her face on the wall in the hallway. Then she screamed and freaked and could hardly breathe and went on that she doesn't love me and I'm mean and I hurt her. And I said to her, "What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to let you hurt the baby, and be rude to me and say these horrible things? I don't know how to be a good mother to you." Which I know in hindsight was a very bad thing to say and probably raises all kinds of fears in her. But it was sincere. I'm not all that good at being her mother, and times like this I wonder why I'm even trying. I'm just so tired of it being hard. We've had her for 15 months and most of the time things are reasonably fine and normal and happy. But anytime someone else tries to be the boss she goes mental. And I know it's a security/attachment/adjustment thing, but I need to vent tonight. I know I screwed her up further because I was angry with her when I "pushed" her, but my intention wasn't to hurt her, and I really didn't, she did. (Anytime I try to carry her or control her/hold her/show her who's in charge she thrashes around and freaks out.) And then I damaged her further by admitting I don't know how to take care of her, which is likely her worst fear anyway. But I'm tired of this crap. I'm just tired. It's tiring. I'm tired of being tired. Please don't flame me. I just needed to talk to people who might understand. I have no intention of abandoning her or giving up or beating her up. I just have no-one to talk to about it. Kerri
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I have had the same exact thoughts and feelings. A support group is a good idea. Some states have buddy systems through DCF or Adoption organizations where they will pair you up with anotheradoptive parent and you could just talk on the phone if that is all you want. Because other people (People who have not taken on a special needs child) are often not sympathetic, and can even be turned off by what you say. Ask about post-adoptive services and support through the state, or if your state knows of other organizations that offer these services. Is she seeing a therapist? If so her therapist could help you with techniques on how to work with her. I also recommend the book 1,2,3, magic.
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Thanks so much guys. I was scared to open the thread in case everyone was going to freak out on me for being so cruel. Things are better today, of course. Although I'm home with two sick little boys (the youngest two) and she and my other son (6) are off to church with Daddy. It's actually a great feeling to get a break, even though sick kids aren't usually my idea of fun. LOL. When she is tired she is just so incredibly difficult, and absolutely can't see that she's tired or that it's a problem. And after running around after 4 little kids I'm tired too. But she needs to know she is not the boss. I know eye contact is important, but when she scowls at me like that I just want to get her out of my sight. Ugh. I cried for a couple of hours last night and resolved to do better today, so I'm sure things will start looking up. Kerri
Hey, Kerri, Welcome to motherhood. I think every mom has those moments, regardless of how your children came to be a part of your family. I fondly call them my "stellar mommy moments" and I have lost count of them by now- my kids are 10, 8, and 6 1/2. I would not worry too much- I don't think that today's events will send your dd into therapy :) Tomorrow will be better... and sooner or later, you will have another "mommy moment". We all do; so don't beat yourself up- just come back here to share! Kelly
I have a 5 year old son who has told me this weekend that he hates me, want a new mom, doesn't want his hamster, the dog, the cat, his toys, his grandma, his papa, no cousins, oh and he HATES me! He wants what he wants, he thinks he can do what HE wants, WHEN HE wants, no what he's told to do or when he's told to do it. We don't have a baby for him to hit, but I've been clocked a couple of times and bitten more times that I care to count. He's on a major control path at the moment and he really needs to get over it quickly. My son cannot be given an inch - EVER! No has to mean no, not well, ok. And it's sometimes a fight. I've thrown out toys, taking them away doesn't really get through to him, because 'I'll get them back!". But when the hit the trash can, he really goes of the deep end and realizes I'm serious. He's turned into quite a master manipulator. When he's too much at school, he goes to the office. Hello, he LOVES that, He and the principal play games. If he's trouble at lunch, he gets to eat with the teacher in his room - again - HELLO! what could be better - undivided attention. He threw a MAJOR tantrum as school on Friday because he didn't want to go to school, so I had to go pick him up. He got exactly what he wanted. He's exhausting. And I'm not always the best mom/dad (I'm single) that I should be. I've yelled at him and beat myself up for it. I've sent him to his room crying because, I just can't deal with him for another second, until I calm down myself. WE ALL SUCK AS PARENTS! Embrace that fact, move on. Vent to us. Get some kid-free time. I know I'm kicking myself for giving up bowling this year. Those 2 hours a week of Q-free were great and I'm really starting to realize how much I really need it! So stop beating yourself up. Apologize to yourself, you're gonna suck again. But most of the time, you are the greatest mom ever!
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q's mom
So stop beating yourself up. Apologize to yourself, you're gonna suck again. But most of the time, you are the greatest mom ever!
Popping in here late... But there is nothing wrong with venting, and anyone who has found their way to this board to read this, has been in your shoes. Control, control, control,... Hmmm. Been there, doing it. Though I don't think we have major control issues as others, but anywhich way it can really take the fun out of being the parent. Hang in there, maybe time to find a therapist who can teach you to work through your daughter's defiance issues. Not really a fan of taking a child this young to therapy, I did it with my DD and saw how quickly she learned to manipulate that environment. Hopefully things are much better since your initial post - let us know.
I know this is an old post, but I thought this might be some good advice for someone just reading this line of thought.... Our therapist gave us a good idea that worked with our DS. We went to the store and purchased a kitchen timer. We started a routine of setting the timer and telling DS that he had 5 minutes of bathtime left. When the timer went off, he knew it was time to get out of the tub. The therapist explained that children need time for closure - even at such simple things as bath, bed, etc. As a note - we did not use this technique only at bath time, we used it for bedtime, getting ready for school, play time, or any other activity that we knew would bring a "why now?" response. It is amazing how well the child can manage his time and how when the bell goes off, he is ok with it. Thought this might help some of you..... Reba
Hello, We adopted a girl last year who is now 6 years old. She goes to kindergarten and her behavior was good most of the time in the beginning. Within the past two months she refuses to listen to us when she is outside our home. For example she came home with a bump in her head twice from school and informed us she hit herself in the head when she was standing on the bus. Our bio son and some other children says she stands up on the bus. We talked and explained to her she needs to sit down and she promises she will. Yet the next day she will stand up again. She tells us she sits down on the bus until our son gets home later and she admits she was standing up again. We have taken away her toys, given her time outs and no TV and still this does not work. Lately she has been telling us she stands up because she wants to. This has been going on for two months and she knows there will be consequences for her actions. Also she has been picking her nose and sticking it to the wall. There are other examples for these two are the main ones. She was progressing well until two months ago and lately it has been one issue after another. We are getting frustrated since we feel we are taking time away from our other children and our work life is stressful to begin with. In addition if she cannot listen to simple instructions, does not learn from her mistakes and refuses to listen what will happen when she becomes older. Any advice will be appreciated. Sincerely.
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Peggy
I have had the same exact thoughts and feelings. A support group is a good idea. Some states have buddy systems through DCF or Adoption organizations where they will pair you up with anotheradoptive parent and you could just talk on the phone if that is all you want. Because other people (People who have not taken on a special needs child) are often not sympathetic, and can even be turned off by what you say. Ask about post-adoptive services and support through the state, or if your state knows of other organizations that offer these services. Is she seeing a therapist? If so her therapist could help you with techniques on how to work with her. I also recommend the book 1,2,3, magic.
Commando Parenting worked for me...but I had to figure it all out myself...Also Parenting with Love and Logic does WONDERS..I have a control freak for a child as well, and I put her in a time out until she can maintain eye contact...NO DISCUSSION PRIOR to or DURING a time out.Also, check into PAD..the link is in my signature line.
Kerri,We would never flame you. Any parent who claims they haven't lost control is lying to you.Over the years when I've had blow-ups (and yes, I've had a few), I find it helps to have a quiet moment later with the kid in question. Cuddle a bit, explain to the child that yes, even Mommies and Daddies get mad and make mistakes and don't always say the right things. Explain that you get frustrated just like she does, because you don't know quite how to make her listen/be happy/get dressed/get in bed (whatever is appropriate for the conversation).I found that my kids, when confronted with the evidence of my own stupidity and their obstinence, will actually come up with solutions of their own to some of the problems. At other times, no solutions are found.. but we get a good cuddle out of the deal.Audrey
Kerri-Jean
And I said to her, "What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to let you hurt the baby, and be rude to me and say these horrible things? I don't know how to be a good mother to you." Which I know in hindsight was a very bad thing to say and probably raises all kinds of fears in her.
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My son is 5 and we've had him from birth. In all our years as foster parents, he has been the most difficult child. When he was not yet four, I went to my older son's former therapist and told her if he was a foster placement, we'd have him removed from our home. She got us into services THAT WEEK. We were with a therapist for over a year with no changes in behavior (though it felt great to have someone to talk to each week) so I finally set up an appt with a child psych and asked for meds. He was only 4 so they tried to work on his hyperactivity but that still left us with an irritable, angry, aggressiove kid. Now that he is 5 they were willing to try other meds which have just given us a whole new kid. He is PLEASANT now, and still crazy smart, still him. When he turns 6, there will be more options. I do not advocate meds but they are changing our life for the better. Good luck!!!