What do you most want others to know?

I once spoke to my 1/2 sister, and she asked me to tell me a little bit about myself and I froze.....I mean just plain froze...I didn't know what to say to her or how to act....But, if I ever spoke to her again, I would know exactly what I would want her to know......I would want her to know that just because our Mother wants nothing to do with me, doesn't mean that we can't share a friendship...I would want her to know that I searched initially because I am the type of person who couldn't live for the rest of her life without knowing my heritage...I would want her to know how painful of a journey it is to go through life always wondering......I would want her to know that I am not a bad person for searching for my family...I would want her to know that I am a mother of 3 children and a wife....I would want her to know that I am sorry if she feels that I hurt her Mother by searching and finding her...I would want her to know that I have the utmost respect for our Mother, and have respected her wishes by never contacting her or anyone else in our family....I would want her to know that I have a great heart, and if she should ever call me...I will be there for her, and anyone else....I would want her to know that it's normal for adoptees to want to search and find they're birth families....I would want her to know that I thank her for being so gracious to me when we spoke on the phone that one time...I would want her to know how nervous I felt speaking with her...I was in shock that we were actually speaking!! Ultimately, I would want her to know that in my heart...I have always loved our Mother for the choice that she made so many years ago....I would of loved to know her...but, I understand her pain!! Brenda

Mom2justynsarah wrote: "I wish people would stop thanking me & telling me how wonderful I am for adopting my daughter. It makes me feel as though adoptive parents are performing a saintly act of saving babies from a life of hardship, and pain." This touched a raw nerve with me (not your fault!). This was exactly how my son's aparents were "sold" adoption over 30 years ago. The info they received on me had me down as an uneducated, delinquent teenager who didn't want her baby, so I guess they felt they were "rescuing" my son from a fate worse than death. It was the amom's letter she wrote me that hurt the most. It was very patronising and condescending - written for a young teenager (btw I was 21 with more educational qualifications than she had!). It talked about how my son "completed" their family. Yet, only 15 months later, they had the son they wanted to complete the family. Meanwhile, I never had any more kids. They had 3 (including my son) whilst I had none. I know that, many people still think of adoption as "rescuing", so I really appreciate YOUR HONESTY. Adoption satisfies different people on different levels and for a host of different reasons. All we can do is hope that things work out for the child concerned because adoption is, after all, a lottery & we all have to pray that it will work out well.

I am painfully aware that there are some adoptive mothers who rarely think about their child's origins & adoption, on a daily basis... to which I say, there are those adoptees who DO think on a daily basis, "my mom has been denied My Firsts." There are adoptees who WISH they had moms WORTHY of those first steps, toothless grins, trials of angst, tantrums, and phone calls from the school... because those are the events EACH mom should experience with her child, just like millions of other moms. Saintly or not. There are adoptees who DO wish it was their biological mother who could describe what it was like "when mom met dad"; there are adoptees who DO wish it was the biological mother who could tell what HER pregnancy, labor & delivery was like. And yes, there are adoptees who DO wish adoption never existed. That frightfully insulting, socially unacceptable, rude, offensive, biased and truthful response said, there are adoptees who feel an injustice was done to them, no matter how sugar-coated the [url="http://by108fd.bay108.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/compose?mailto=1&msg=AAA97E95-AE18-4B0D-AA9E-2D42BDCA3F52&start=0&len=5315&src=&type=x&to=c-@p&cc=&bcc=&subject=&body=&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=1c46cb6800f9fee3c5edc557d16ac9c44cc416565b3f0fa1a0611bf869e0e6e1"]c-@p[/url] is presented in public forums. Censorship exists for one reason: hide the truth that hurts and exists, so no one feels insulted or singled-out. After all, no one wants the opinion of one who has suffered the life in the trenches. What benefit could THAT possibly serve, other than a good old fashioned Reality Check! Shame on those who wish to silence the lambs of adoption. I am fully aware I will be banned, AGAIN, but this time, not without sounding the voice of disgust that TRUE support cannot exist if no one is brave enough to let ALL voices of this wondrous triad feel free to speak, without the fear of silent censored banishment. Has anyone ever put any thought into THAT irony? The adoptee who seeks a sense of Belonging and Acceptance gets banned from the Safety of support & encouragement from ALL members of the Triad. It reads almost as pathetic as it IS. If positive perspective of adoption is the goal, then faults, failures and frauds need to be reviewed and studied with caution and care, because history DOES repeat itself. Irony being what it is, and apropos to my point, we live in a time that reflects the very era in which I was born. After the clouds of dust of human ashes were cleared, it was decided that Vietnam was never to happen again. As an adoptee, who is incapable of laughter, I smirk at the change of name given to the same war. God bless the souls lost to ignorance and denial. May no Next Generation suffer as those who lost their lives. Amen. [print THAT!]

Excellent topic and exactly what I have needed to get off my chest lately ֖ please bear with me: I want people to know that no matter how wonderful your adoptive parents are sometimes those of us who are adopted kids (yes, at 37 I still wish to be a kid) will still suffer thoughts of rejection, thoughts of unworthiness, feelings of having been abandoned, and fears of being abandoned yet again. I personally thought I had worked through all of this ֖ until some point after I got divorced. I buried myself in my work thinking in the back of my mind that if I made myself invaluable enough ֖ I would have my job for the rest of my life and at least SOMEONE would want me. Now please dont misunderstand Җ no one could have told this from the outside I appeared to be just another overachiever. But inside, I was desperate for approval, desperate for someone, anyone to tell me I was worthy, I was special. I even felt that I was never quite good enough for my parents ֖ that I had to be sure over and over to never disappoint them, to never let them down lest I get ֓sent back. Now, I was adopted at 4 months of age so who knew where ԓback was, and at 36 I couldnԒt get sent backӔ anywhere yet the fear of abandonment kept coming rushing back. Perhaps had the divorce been my idea instead of my ex-husband֒s I would not have felt this again perhaps it was his ֓abandonment that triggered it and perhaps that is also the reason I fight so hard to ensure that my daughters do not ever feel they have been abandoned. I was working hard on getting over these feelings, and beginning to believe that I could be honest with my parents (specifically my Dad) when they said or did something that hurt my feelings Ԗ that I was allowedӔ to have these feelings and express them and not be afraid of being abandoned by them. Then, in the middle of it all, my birthfather with whom I had been slowly developing what appeared to be a healthy relationship, tells me that he can֒t handle it all and he doesnt want the same kind of relationship that I want (All I ever wanted was information Җ the relationship came out of an initial need from him). Another shot from out of the blue and BOOM, I֒m back in the middle of an emotional crisis. I thank God every day for my new husband and his innate ability to spot when I am slipping back into these old habits this ֓safety net of ԓEveryone is going to leave me anyway so Im not going to allow myself to be vulnerableҔ. He sees it happening and cuts me off short points out what he sees and makes suggestions on what I should be thinking instead. Oddly enough ֖ hes always right on the money Җ and I never see it happening. I guess the bottom line to all of this is if someone seems to be aloof, or distant, or even needy ֖ it may be their own lack of self confidence that is causing it. And sometimes the people you least believe to be insecure are really the ones who are the most insecure. I can guarantee that none of my employees or colleagues think Im insecure for one second Җ but my professional persona hides the insecurity of the frightened and emotionally needy child hiding inside GE

As an adoptee.... what I want people to understand is that we are capable of loving more than one family. A relationship with a birth family does not subtract anything from an adoptive family and vice versa. I would like my parents to have faith in the way that they raised me and realize that my ability to love is included in that.

I'm a Birthmother - this is what I would like others to know: (1) I would like my child to know that I am truly sorry if his adoption caused him to feel unwanted or rejected by me. He was very much loved by me and I did try to keep him, but failed. Nevertheless, if he ever once felt the pain of being unwanted or unloved, then I am truly sorry. (2) I was told that my baby would bond with the amother because bonding didn't take place until after the baby was 6 months old. I was told that, since I had a boy, it was better for him to have a father-figure so he wouldn't grow up gay (the irony is, that he did - even with a father-figure there for him). I was told he would be happy and would not remember me or think of me (but he did think about me, although it took him 15 years before he finally contacted me). I WAS TOLD LIES TO MAKE ME RELINQUISH MY ONLY CHILD BECAUSE IT WAS "IN HIS BEST INTERESTS". (3)Having a child out of wedlock in the bad old days was terrible. There was a trememdous stigma attached to it and nobody encouraged you to keep your child. Indeed, society frowned on women who tried to do that. In the end, one way or another, even those women who, like myself, tried to keep their child, were manipulated and coerced into "doing the right thing" so their child would not grow up listening to their mother being called names (let alone themselves). (4) Adoption proved to be the worst thing that ever happened to me in my entire life (& I've had some pretty bad things happen in that time). It had a profound negative effect on my psyche. It had a profound negative effect on my relationships with others. I suffered PTSD for many years. I feel as though I have been "punished" with a lifetime sentence - as if I had murdered someone - but that someone is me. (5) Adoptees. Most of us DO want to meet you & have some kind of "reunion". Most of us DIDN'T want to leave you. Most of us DIDN'T reject you and we certainly didn't abandon you (otherwise you would not have been adopted but more likely dead in a trash can somewhere). Most of us have thought about you every day of your lives. Most of us know that, for you, we will never be "Mom".... that is the cruelest punishment you could ever inflict on any mother.

I am so sorry that you have had to suffer like this. I can, however, understand just where you are coming from, even though I'm not adopted. A painful and miserable childhood + toxic parents caused me to suffer from lack of self confidence and a fear of being unloved and unlovable. This was compounded by the circumstances surrounding the birth (& later, adoption) of my only child. Would you ever know that I suffered from lack of self-esteem? NO WAY! You would think I was very confident and outgoing. You would think that I hadn't a care in the world. I never let people see the vulnerable me. Yes, I too have been an "overachiever" (so many university degrees & other diplomas that it's ridiculous) & all of it was for "recognition". I am so glad that your 2nd husband has been so good for you and has helped you to feel loved and wanted. I am sure that he is helping you to heal too. What is just as important, however, is that you recognise what has troubled you and what things have, rightly or wrongly motivated you in the past and have worked to come to terms with your feelings and yourself. For that I really admire you. I hope that your sense of self worth will continue to grow and that you will find the peace of mind and sense of belonging that you have searched for for so long.

Hi! :) I just want to give some advice to parents with adopted children and hopefully they might help in future relationship problems. Never keep your children in the dark. When the time is right, tell them... they will understand and not love you any lesser. If they find out for themselves, it hurts... really hurts. Also NEVER EVER tell them you think they do not love you. It will only hurt them because they love you more than you realise. They will do anything for you because they love you. Lastly, don't blame them if your private life doesn't work out. For example: You and your husband always fight but even if its the child's fault, don't go too far. They are already hurt inside for the hurt they inflicted on you indirectly. Over time, in extreme cases, they might just think that only with them out of your life, will you ever be happy again. Its sad... There is much more i would like to say but thats all for now.

Most people I know think that a birth parent places their child because they don't want to ruin their social lives. I placed my son because I couldn't give him the life that I wanted for him. It was the hardest decision that I will ever make.

[font=Comic Sans MS]I hate hearing how all adoptees have emotional problems, Insulting! And how if, we do not wish for a reunion, we lack maturity and need to get therapy That is So WRONG! If we try to argue our position, we get slammed, because it is not the popular view. I do not make blanket staments about birthmothers, not do I like see blanket statements about adoptees. Not all of us feel that we are victims[/font]

At the risk of sounding anti adoption and getting flamed... I want woman to know that if you are thinking of giving your baby up and there is any way that you can love and keep your baby, do it. My son and I have been reunited now for 2 and a half years and for us, we would have both been better off if we had stayed together. We have eachother now, but we wish it could have been that way from the start.

I want people to know... I am not a broken person who needs pity... I have a hurt about something in my life...And, I can choose to do what makes it better for me...You can never tell someone what they feel... Mostly though I want people to know I deserve to know every nibbet of information about myself if I choose...No one has the right (Judge, state or parent) to keep one's identity from themself. Peace :flower:

I've seen the book that you mentioned (Twenty Things...) though I haven't read it. So, as a 37 year old male adoptee, what I'd like others to know might already be in that book. If so, then my apologies for rehashing something that's already out there. Anyway, I'd like others to understand just how oddly disconnected I feel from most people. I interact just fine and I do well in my job. No problems there. But it is nearly i-m-p-o-s-s-i-b-l-e for me to bring anyone into my private life. Period. I become antsy the minute anyone is in my home. I thrive in my solitude and I always have. I have some moments that I'd like to be with someone, but whenever I try, all I can think is when are they going to get out of my space? One other thing I'd like others to understand is that, once you're in my private life, don't be insincere...don't be a flirt...don't make promises that you won't live up to. These sorts of behaviors cut way too deep for me. I've had a hard enough time overcoming some pretty low self-esteem that took me most of my life to recognize and understand...please don't try to push me back down the slope. I'm in a rush and am not writing as well as I'd like. I hope this all makes sense. -Fekhten

I agree, I often try to distance myself from others in order to protect my feelings. i just find myself isolating myself. Getting to the origional post: Something I would tell other members of the adoption community would be the isssues that come along with being adopted. I think it is very important for adoptive parents to take some kind of class that may even be mandatory that explains how the needs of adoptive children can be different than those of their own biological children. I think sociological studies need to be done to see what needs to be taught in these classes. I also think months of psychological evaluations should take place to see if they are getting the baby for the right reason, not for looks or to fix a marriage or because the mother wants one. I also think parents should know that they have to make a better effort to make adoptees feel a part of their family, at all times, more of an effort than with their biological children

why is this posted as Kerry Lynn, when i had already been banned? Why isn't my FORMER BANNED NAME, Usedto be suddenly, without warning or notice NOT BANNED? and NOT used as Proper Authoring information. In fact, where ARE ALLLLLLLLLL my Posts... public AND Privately sent to members AND Administration folks, alike? [i know we keep copies at the other sites....] WHY did it take my last and final appearance as Pheonix3 to prove once and for all what a bunch of frauds Adoption dot CON really is? SAY IT LOUD, SAY IT PROUD: POUND PUP LEGACY, BABY! DON'T YOU FORGET I REMEMBER EACH AND EVERY ATTACK AND RAPE I RECEIVED THANKS TO BEING OWNED BY CORRUPTION. Take THAT to the bank you thieves! May God have mercy on your souls, because I sure as hell don't! it's 6:19a NJ time. I'll be watching how long it takes to have THIS one deleted, too. I am owed an ANSWER.