BirthMom: Who am I? and what do you want from me?

[font=Verdana]You know when I started this thread; I really struggled with the questions: Who am I? And what do you want from me? I have learned since reading these posts...I am a bMom. I can never be my daughter's mother because I did not raise her...she has a mother. So who am I? I can be a friend...a close friend...who can perhaps be like a mother. The second question: what do you want from me? I still haven't figured this out yet. But I feel to blame because she may have really been seeking heritage and identity but instead I perceived she wanted another Momma. She kept saying she had two...so wasn't I supposed to try? But in reality, I can never truly be her Momma because we didn't share a past...I wasn't there for her to help shape who she has become today. Reunions are too scary. I think all involved should make it clear what they anticipate from the new found relationship...it definitely helps eliminate misinterpretations.[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Songbird: My heart mourns for you. I know you want to find your "people". It is not right that this important piece of the puzzle be kept a secret from you or any adoptees. I understand the right to privacy and there may be some people with the sole intentions of inflicting harm. But there needs to be a better way to provide vital information. I pray someone will read this thread and provide you with direction and/or answers.[/font]

WELL, I AM HOME. MMM, lets see, everyone who has posted on my thread is here. A storyteller extrodinaire (songbird), Jackidjadada who makes me think. Jessido - you will never know how much you helped me. Ani, well, ani, I sure would like to know you better. You have spirit, kiddo. I am sticking here. This is comfortable to me. Mammabee, I KNOW how you feel. OKay, so I;ll say it - this is my adoption.com home. Problem is cansomeone pm me and tell me how I can subsribe to this thread so that when it gets updated, I know. Holy toledo, I am glad I stumbled here.................... S.

It's been a few days since I have posted here...I have a new question? Everyone has offered me the advice of taking a time out, which I have done. I was ready myself and since my daughter wants no contact with me, she was ready to do so too. My new question is this: How do you take a time out without closing the door? I mean there is no door opened on either side at this point...I don't guess. Everyone says take a time out but don't close the door....what does this mean?

Everyone says to take a time out but don't close the door. Mamabee: It in my opinion means take a break from each other but still love her,do not give up on her & yourself having a relationship. I have not been keeping up with this thread lately so I hope I have not missed anything. Sandra :grouphug:

Thanks for posting...I was beginning to wonder if everyone had left for another website... I am in time out...but at present I don't see how or if we will ever begin again to have a relationship...it hurts too bad. I mean I feel it has took me over a year to finally let my guard down and stop being depressed...but I don't foresee any possible contact. It does make me sad but I really don't know what else I could have done.

Dear Mamabee: I read your question. I was adopted as a child. I have registered with the state where I was born, so if my bmom registered and wants to be found we can be connected. I believe God gave me two mothers -bmom and amom, both are the perfect mom for me. You said your daughter asked you to treat her the way you treat your other children. does she treat you the way your other children treat you? I believe my bmom gave me up for adoption because she loved me and thought it was the best for me. I thank God she gave me life and loved me enough to give me to my aparents who loved me and taught me to love and respect others, including my bmom. I pray your daughter will realize she owes you respect because she is your daughter. because you gave her up for adoption is no reason for her to take her negative feelings out on you. hope this is helpful. May God richly bless you and give you peace. Jean

Dear Mamabee,I feel the same way Cute does about time out. Taking time out without closing the door means to step back from the issue until one or both people involved has time to grow and present their feelings the right way - i.e. without hurting each other with our words, lying about our feelings or feeling obligated at that time to discuss an emotionally "hot" issue. Time away from the situation isn't necessarily a BAD thing............I think it could be a GOOD thing if it leads that person to coping better later on. As long as you continue praying about your relationship, you really haven't shut the door at all, you're simply expressing feelings to God that you haven't been able to express to her, in the meantime.............that could offer a far greater reward for your concern than banging your head against somebody's wall. It gets frustrating when our most heartfelt feelings fall on deaf ears. Yet, if you share my faith in a God who works for our good, you know, there is no better listener when it comes to the deepest feelings of our hearts. Sometimes, to pray about someone else is all we can do. I know, I'm in a similar situation when it comes to my children. Here's an honest heartfelt story from the one "dubbed" story-teller: The decisions were made. I was divorced and I didn't get joint custody. I have been reduced to feeling like a "visitor" in my children's lives or being called by their teacher's names. Even though myself and my two boys don't believe the decision was fair or in their best interest, only their Dad will be able to change it. He has to learn to get over his bad feelings for me and think about what will ground my children to a more normal, comfortable existance and make them happy in their own lives. It isn't normal to live without your Momma reading you bedtime stories, if that had been what brought you peace. (We have to remember that our children have different perceptions about Mom and Dad, regardless of how Mom and Dad see each other). It breaks my heart to hear my eldest son plead to be with me. I, in turn, feel as though my divorce released me from a prison, an emotional hell, and my children got left behind. What I was given in a life with my new husband, after being treated so unfairly by the former one, was my IDEAL and exactly what I'd always wanted - an emotionally solid place to share our loving feelings as a family..........I can have this love and security but my kids are still being treated the same way I had been. Nope, no guilt there!!! I honestly can't do anything but pray about it. It gets hard because I can already see the damage his choice is doing to our children. Yet, to spare my children the ugliness, I must be content to wait for his change of heart. I have to pray that he's LISTENING to the wants of our kids. I have even drawn boundaries about how they should express those feelings. I've told them that it's o.k. to disagree with their Dad's idea about custody but confronting him about it in front of me might be embarrassing to him, so they shouldn't do it that way. My son said he didn't have the courage, to disagree with Dad, WITHOUT my being there, those were scary words to me, I know exactly how he feels. He's confronted Dad, politely, a few times in my presence, and I don't disagree with those feelings, I just don't think it's fair to put Dad "on the spot" in front of Mom. Anyway, I usually save my feelings about my divorce for my journal but I wanted to make a point. I am very guilty of wanting to right the wrongs NOW, not later. As a human, it is most tempting to impart a few truths about what Dad was doing BEFORE the divorce. Not Fair. My children will learn their Dad's true colors on their own. They will have their own relationship with him based on their own perceptions. I also wouldn't want to be responsible for destroying any dreams of their Dad, he may indeed grow, change and become someone I might have respect for in the future. Most of my worries about the children are fear-driven, but as a christian, I HAVE to put their well-being into God's hands because at the moment, mine are tied. I can only change the things I'm able to change. When it comes to my ex's heart, I can't change it. For a decade of my life, I sincerely hoped I could, or that God or anyone else could, but if not for having mistakenly prayed for patience, I am doomed to wait for the right motivation of heart from this person. YES, this IS a very important need in my life. Certainly, there is more than his own needs he should consider but until he gets a clue about that in his own mind, the rest of us have to be patient. Oh sure, I could tell him that what he's doing is simply "crapping in his own nest", but that would only cause him anger, not a change of heart. Until he sees, with his own eyes, what his choices are costing him, there will be no change. There WILL be a price to be paid. I only hope that my children will overcome their part in having to pay those dues. As their Momma, I feel fiercely protective about what their heads and hearts experience. Yet, if they grow up angry and resentful, I will try not to blame myself for the things that happened while they weren't under my care. As for now, I am just praying that all of this will change before any of these foul predictions ever come to pass. Sometimes, just living life can be sheer and utter torture.I empathize with you in not being able to change another person's behavior - wholeheartedly!!!!! While I, again, probably shared more with you than the average person could stand, these were the thoughts in my head and I did feel they might be worth sharing.No, you don't have to be so frustrated by wanting to change them now or to change things for their own good. We're all old enough to figure out our own answers. Only they will accurately identify what situation brought about that change of heart, if they ever find one. I also believe that God is the master at creating a necessary change of heart. He also knows the right timing, far better than we do. I see my current oasis with my new husband as my time to heal. It's so unbelievable to feel that I had been given something healing and wonderful just for me, because I don't see myself or my needs as being that important - it's that "MOM" syndrome still in effect. However, a happy Momma will provide it's own oasis for my children. What if I DO heal, get over the past and become better able to cope with these sorrowful feelings I've been having? - there was alot of anger because I was truly maligned in how things turned out - I would just be better off as a person from having grown and overcome this crisis. Maybe not by my timing but by trusting in God's timing. One day, this will not be such a painful topic to me. One day, I will be able to sit in worship without wanting to blame myself, God or anyone else for my ex's decisions. Some day, I will walk outside, with my face turned up to the sun and thank God for growing me past this current crisis. Unfortunately, it won't be today. I'm still pretty bitter and angry about the whole thing. I take heart though, because God's not done with me yet. There's always room for positive change. I have alot on my plate to digest. I know I went through a severe identity loss and I wanted to find myself again. Maybe these feelings were the motivations for my search. If I ever do find my birthmother, I hope to be able to deal with all the things I've experienced in my life so that I can offer her an honest view of me. I wouldn't want to offer her a pre-judged, inaccurate view of myself or for her to see me through incorrect assumptions. My assumption was that I failed miserably in my marriage AND in motherhood.........that I bit it.........that I "dropped the ball"!!! That's really not fair or true. It takes two people caring to make marriage and parenting work. I tried, I cared and I prayed. I wasn't responsible for the outcome if my partner wasn't on that same page with me. He had other wants and needs and how I felt wasn't part of that reality. I am guilty of having lost respect for him and considering that he was my mate, I'd say that I'll have to answer to God for my own part in the loss of our marriage. I understood his motivations were fear-driven (that I would divorce him first) but I didn't think they were very fair to the children, or me, at all. I don't know if my post was helpful to any of you. It is much of what I wanted to reaffirm to myself, after having the kids over this weekend and much of what I wanted to share with Mamabee about time-out........... stepping back from the situation and praying about growth and needed change. It's hard. Sometimes waiting for others (and self) to grow and change can be hard on the heart. I relate well to those feelings, so I thought I would share. As for Rain Rain 63's request for help in site-navigation - I'd like to say I was computer-literate enough to have those answers but I don't. I find my way back to communications with birthmother's and adoptees. Before I realized it was in this forum, I had a hard time finding my way back. I did though, they same way I live - through trial and error! HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! To everyone else: if you sometimes get stuck having to do things the hard way, you should feel right at home! I'm personally glad you're here to share some more ideas and feelings. To Cute: No, you didn't miss much. I'm still long-winded and still hurt when I can't do things exactly the way I want to. Like I said before, there's always room for positive change.

Ryansexpress-Thank you for your perspective as an adoptee. And please, keep praying...I can never have too many people praying. You asked me how my other (kept) children treated me. They are the most loving bunch of kids...I am not just a bragging Momma...they are really good kids (oops adults and kids). They have respect for me and treat me with so much love and respect. We are all not only Mom/Daughter but we are friends. Songbird--I never tire of reading your posts. Your own mistreatments signify our desperation for equal treatments. You were so mistreated by your ex...I was mistreated....others were mistreated...we gave our hearts and they took them and trampled them and left us belittled and broken....but slowly we are surviving...Oooh I feel a song coming on...I will survive!!! Remember it is good to laugh every once in awhile!! I was talking privately with songbird and I came up with another question and I thought I would put it here and see what kind of responses I get. Anyway, as you know my reunion hasn't went well with my daughter...when I discuss her, do I refer to her as my daughter? Is there another proper name I should use?

Today has been a little sad...my daughter's birthday is today...and I cannot be a part of it although she lives less than five minutes away. Since she has sent word to my oldest that she wants nothing to do with me...I, painfully, decided not to do anything other than send her an ecard for her birthday...even with that I struggle with the thoughts I should have just left it alone...but I am still sad...she will never know the love that I was so ready to give her....

Mamabee...congrats on the b-day of your daughter! I am sure it stings to have heard those words..but, there is hope, right? She's young and as she matures will hopefully be ready someday to accept your love. I think sending a card was good..keep the door open for her so she's never afraid to come thru it...I know you'll be there with open arms. Give it to God...it may well be out of your hands for now. Peace and healing...

My 7 year old grandson asked me today if my daughter's daughter (she is 8) would be coming over for Easter. It saddend me to tell him no. Then he asked me if I went to her birthday party...I told him no; then, he replied, "we didn't get invited either". I told my husband that this is really having an impact on the children and he said, "without a doubt". I am finally accepting the realtiy of knowing I may never have a relationship again with my daughter and her children...but I never thought about the children and how this will affect their lives.

Oh my God, this is so sad. A fake wedding ring? It makes me cry. Why are women so tormented by doing one of the most beautiful and natural things in the world--making new life? Why are not men tortured this way?

Onceisenough, there was a time when if you were pregnant and unmarried, parenting was not given as an option. Any help or encouragement in keeping our child was nonexistent even when we desperately wanted to. The push was to have our babies adopted, with parents, social workers, clergy, doctors and others working on us simultaneously. I didn't read the post about the ring, but when girls and young women were sent to and confined in maternity homes, they were often given rings to put on for when they were outside of the building. For a society which cares only about appearances, well, the expectant mother is the obvious one whereas the father isn't. I wasn't in a maternity home but my mother told me not to let any of the neighbors see me (I didn't care if they did but she did) and once when I went to see the father of my baby, he shunned me away from his apartment as his family was there. Those were horrible times, dark ages... and if you have a real choice now... think long and hard about how your baby will feel once s/he is older if you do decide on adoption. (I've read other posts of yours). There are usually issues in being adopted, and for some they are huge, as they were for my son, who was not able to understand how times were different in the 70's when he was born (they were changing, yes, but not in my family) and it will be even harder now (when your child is older) to give him or her a reason for why s/he was adopted. My son considers adoption as abandonment and usually the mother is the one the anger is focused on. Just a dose of reality as you need to discover not only the seeming positives, but also the possible consequences. If I knew even a fraction of those things then that I know now, I'd have had a leg to stand on and say NO, even if I had to go to a shelter with him. Please don't rush into any decision but wait until after your baby is born and spend time with him/ her. In the first days of life your baby needs YOU as you are a part of them and they are a part of you... separation is a HUGE Loss for both... like a death and in some ways worse. Merrill

Everyone has to do what's good for them and what's good for the other person. The whole idea is to be happy. Best of luck. Gina Edited to remove retail URL

Onceisenough---I am sorry but I have no idea what you are talking about!!:o