The sins of the grandparent

I am a birthmom from 1983. I was put in the same position by my mother as many other young girls and given no choices in the future of our unborn babies. I was 15, and had no family support. My mother was embarrassed by me and hardly spoke to me through my pregnancy. All adoption legal aspects were handled by my mother and her atty without so much as a signature from me on anything other than a form stating who the birthfather was. It has affected my life in a tremendous way. I had very little relationship with my mother now even though she has "changed". She claims to have found God and now she understands how she hurt me. I have found it hard to forgive. I fought my fears of losing my other children though my rational mind said it would not happen. My mother made me feel worthless and incapable of being a mother myself, and it has taken years to understand that I am not my mothers perception of me. I can now look at my children (19,17, and 13) and I know I am a good mother. I am there for them and I am supportive of them in every way.My love for my children is enormous. It has always amazed me how adoption decisions were made for teenage mothers based on what someone else believed to be the best intrest of the child(baby)when another child(the teen mom) is broken by the calllousness and insensitivity shown toward her. It taught me to always be wary of someone how claims to do something "for my own good". I think open adoption and birth mother consideration is the best thing to happen in the adoption world. To bad is came around much to late for many of us. Sorry if I sound bitter, this just struck a nerve. Kitti

I am mom who supported her daughter's decision to keep her son. They are living with me and her dad while she finishes school. We wanted to help because we "wanted to keep our family intact". At the time, we thought that meant not losing our grandson. This thread and other similar posts from birth moms drive home that fact that keeping our family intact also meant not losing the trust and love of our daughter. She also considered open adoption, and we would have been equally supportive of that decision. The important thing was that it was HER decision - not ours. And had we tried to make that decision for her or not supported her decision, it would have ripped our family apart. I should note that we did exercise a lot of parental guidance to be sure that she was able to made her decision without undue pressure from others. Happy G'Ma

Happygmom................I am so glad you supported you daughter.....Now just think for one moment how your daughter would feel if she had to give that child away...how she would feel in ten years time....how she would feel in 23 years time (the amount of time my mother waited for me to find her...and how she would feel in 38 years time...my age now......I don't think these thoughts were afforded my mother......

Happy G'Ma - How wonderful that you could be so supportive, and in no means am I trying to take away from that with my following comment........However, I think it is like comparing apples and oranges when we talk about parental acceptance in the 21st century vs. approx 40 years ago. Society's perception of "un-wed" mothers has changed sooooooooo much since then. Once again.........not trying to take anything away from what you have done. Even in the 21st century, there are certainly many in your position who would not have been as supportive of you........just making an observation, that's all. Karen

Dear Umbilical Child and Karen, Oh, I know all to well how it was in the dark days of closed, and often forced adoptions (can't share details). My intention was not to equate then and now. I wanted to point that, when considering adoption, people often focus on the loss of the baby, when they need to also consider that they are risking ALL of their family relationships. This thread provides adeqaute evidence of that and these honest posting helped my family ssoo much. And, yes, given my daughter's desire to raise her son, we feel very, very fortunate that our culture is more tolerant of unmarried parents. Happy G'Ma

funnily enough my bmoms parents were begging bmom to keep me. bmom was the cold Bit** who couldn't be bothered with me. Now my bdad's mom knew about me and chose to not tell my bdad. I never met her because she passed before i met bdad and his family but everytime someone in his family goes on and on about how wonderful she was I can't help but sneer to myself. My bdad told me he would have kept me and raised me had he known about me so her actions changed my entire life....its hard to forgive or forget.

Yes, yes, yes!! If my bmom had kept me (1949), I doubt I would have had as good a life as my parents gave me. There's a lot to be said for providing a loving, stable, two-parent home. My parents weren't well-to-do and it wasn't a fairy-tale life but I wouldn't trade it. In those days abortion wasn't as available as it is today but by having me, my bmom gave me life. Then she gave me another gift - the chance at a better life. She knew her circumstances better than anyone and made the decision. Was it motivated by selfishness or selflessness? I'll never know. Then my parents gave me an environment in which to thrive. I do understand 'primal wound' but I try to balance that out with the fact that I was always loved and wanted - by my parents.

I was adopted at birth in 1972 and when I was 21 I found out about the circumstances of my adoption. I was quite frankly put up because of my maternal grandparents. My mother was so controlled by her mother that she couldn't even though she was 20 years old at the time accept my father's marriage proposal. My BMGrandmother was conveinced that her life would be ruined if she kept me before she finished college. She was scared enough of her disapproval that she didn't tell her until she was already 7 months along. She was able to hide it because she was at school 200 miles away. Her sister got mad at her at Easter dinner and told the whole family at the table. Her parents kicked her out of the house when she said she wanted to get married. She then called my father who took her to his parents house.She moved in there but her mother told her if she didn't put me up for adoption she wouldn't be allowed home again. My Paternal grandparents were against the adoption and even offered to raise me until my parents were out of college. My father fought hard to keep me but he could see this emotional trial was tearing my mother apart and in the end relented and allowed my adoption to take place. I have a wonderful family and grew up in a nice middle class home with 2 parents that are still married after 39 years. I also have a young also adopted brother from another family who is married and blessed me with 4 nephews.A few months after my adoption my father was killed in a car accident on the way to visit my mother at her college. When I met my paternal grandparents the only address they had for my materal family was my mother's grandmother. I wrote to my great grandmother but when the letter was replied to it was from her son my great uncle. Both his parents had passed away but he lived in their house now. He didnt want to give me my mother's address but he said he would forward a letter own to his sister for me. Now his sister is the same woman who didnt want me to begin with and forced her daughter to do something she didnt really want to do. So I wasnt to sure about her being my contact. It took two years and I heard nothing. I wrote to my uncle a few times and he seemed like a really nice guy but he was reluctent to get involved to deep. He lived in a different state (FL) then me (IL) and his sister(TX) so distance is a problem.After 2 years I gave up hope about hearing from anyone on that side of the family but in 1996 I got a letter from my grandmother who wanted me to call her. So I did we had a nice conversation but said my mother didnt want to me. She said though she thought I seemed like an intelligent sweet girl and she said she would call again. I never heard from her again though. It was hurtful but in 2002 I turned 30 and thought I would try again and I called my uncle who told me she died the next month of a rare blood diesese that killed her in about 6 weeks after d[font=Times New Roman][font=Verdana]iagnoses. I was suprised no one called me but there you go after all I don't think feeling count to much in this family. [/font][/font][font=Times New Roman][font=Verdana]I realized that she was calling me because she knew she was dying and if that wasnt the case I never would have heard from her you know one of those clear your conscience kind of things. [/font][/font][font=Times New Roman][font=Verdana]I still havent heard from my mother and it is really hard to face the fact I probably never will but I know two things. I had two sets of biological grandparents and I think they both cared about me in different ways. One owned up to their and their childrens mistakes and were willing to make the best of it. The other is to ignore the problem send it away and never speak of it again. The saddest part is I understand both sides of this story and can't blame either one for how my adoption happened.[/font][/font]

princessde72

I still havent heard from my mother and it is really hard to face the fact I probably never will ...

Princessde72,

Do you know for sure that anyone in your mother's family actually told her that you were trying to find her? I think its time to call that Uncle back again and demand your mother's information. Also, you should be able to get some information from your grandmother's obituary. Have you tried those things?

From what you have said, it doesn't sound like your mother knows you are looking.

Thank you for your reply I do think that my mother knows I want to see her but I don't know for sure. I have written to her through other addresses but she and her family move around a lot and have an unlisted phone number. In fact every letter comes back as moved and I did an address trace and she has 15 different address in 10 years. I think that is strange since I have lived in 5 places my whole life. I just hope one day she looks for me. Denise

I think that a bmom that makes a choice of her own free will does it because she loves the baby. The bmom could choose abortion. A bmom should never be forced to give a baby up for adoption. I am so sad this happened to some people.

My adoption took place under similar circumstances. My bmum was under the age of consent and her mum made her adopt me out, my bmum didnt even know it had been organised until she was 9 months preggers and her Dr told her. What made it worse for my bmum, wasnt just that she was unwed and pregnant at 17yo, but unfortunately she was pregnant to a Maori(New Zealands indigenous people). So she was very much the family disgrace, locked inside all day and only let out at night for a walk in the garden when the neighbours couldnt possibly see her.Somehow my bmum was able to forgive her mum, so who was I to judge. Anyway it was 15years over when I met my bmum, so alot of water under the bridge for them, and the way I saw it was that she was pretty much a product of the time for back then. I ended up getting on alright with the Grandmother over the years till she passed away. In fact, in the end, I was the only grandchild who really had much to do with her, and my daughter was the only great grandchild that she ever saw.

[font=Times New Roman]GRUBBY LITTLE SECRET[/font][font=Times New Roman] [/font][font=Verdana]I was a grubby little secret in my mother's mother's eyes[/font][font=Verdana]a grubby little secret, one for to be despised[/font][font=Verdana]a grubby little secret whisked far and wide away[/font][font=Verdana]a grubby little secret not to see the light of day[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]but after years of tears and hiding the secret rose to truth[/font][font=Verdana]this factual incarnation now standing beneath her roof[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]her sombre gaze met mine and I smiled and said hello[/font][font=Verdana]she just sat there dumbfounded, no emotion to let go[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]twas not til later, much later, after her passing that I was informed[/font][font=Verdana]that this quiet cold old lady held scorn for the day I was born[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]well here I am in reunion my sadness compounds distress[/font][font=Verdana]my poor mother had no say in this, as an infant I had much less.......[/font][font=Verdana][/font] [font=Verdana][/font] copyright..Umbilical child 2006

I'm glad that many of you are learning what things were like for us and how it affected many of your mothers as well as the yourselves. It is something that is very hard to come to terms with. I am 54 years old and the experience has colored every aspect of my life. I am still stuned to think that my otherwise loving parents could treat me that way. I realise that it was about appearances. I had committed a crime. Interestingly if the father had married me- even breifly all would have been forgiven and forgotten. My daughter and I would have been welcomed home as a divorcee and child until I could find a way to support her. I do not regret not getting an abortion. (It was illegal but could be done). Adoption was not what I wanted but the only place I could think of where we might be welcome was a hippie commune. In my heart I felt she deserved more. I loved my baby then as now and certainly ment her no harm. I do not judge those who chose abortion. I have had enough of being judged myself.

Princessde72- I think there is an exelent chance that your mother was not told that you are looking. I would press on.